RSLJ Article 11: It’s over...

It is said that even Satan can find quotes in the Bible to give impetus to his arguments and I suppose the same applies to songs. You can easily scroll through the playlist on your ipod for ten minutes and find lyrics that will support your position in regard to any argument. It is from the adroit lyrics of Sugarcult that I find impetus for this article.

“Look around if you ever miss me, look around cause it kills me, its over there is nothing you can do, there is nothing you can say to keep me here, its over. To say we are just friends, we’re playing pretend, to keep me here.”

Most things relating to relationships are difficult to communicate to your partner, however it is more difficult to communicate those things that don’t want to be heard. This is why I advocate that in future when tasked with ending the relationship you should employ Sugarcult to assist you in getting the job done. Of course blearing it from your car stereo from the road beneath her bedroom balcony isn’t exactly any better than say smsing her the lyrics or say mms-ing her a video of her best friend giving you a lap dance to the tune; so I think it is best you decide how it should be done.

[A good friend of ours, Boyd, who happens to be considered a bit of a guru holy man in regard to relationship once quoted that ‘if you lead with we’re talking past each other she doesn’t stand a chance’ so probably try that]

However getting the job of breaking it off done is not the hard part. The hard part is dealing with the “ex” for the rest of your life. Exes come in varying degrees of severity and it is worthwhile to evaluate these degrees. If you wondering why its worthwhile to evaluate these? It is so that when we have to call Grissom from the crime lab to identify your charred remains we can tell your parents we ‘told him so’…

Before we get into these 5 degrees it is important to note most ex-girlfriends settle into one of these categories but they all start out in degree 1 and follow the incremental phases until they reach the degree she settle in. So if she doesn’t progress past 1 she is the low-key harmless version but if she progresses all the way to the end we have a stage 5 clinger psycho she-bitch.

Degree 1: This is the recently broken up with girl or the one that gets over you the most. She is characterised by being excessively emotional (that’s excessively more than she usually is) and she will without fail try her best to dissuade you from implementing your decision by crying excessively, screaming excessively, apologising excessively and then crying again. Please understand she knows no concept of the term excessive! Since she has no reason to hate you besides the fact that you want to break up she doesn’t really have a reason to get over you. Suggestion: Give her one! Either fabricate a story about how you hooked up with another girl or better yet you do so.

Degree 2: Not far removed from Degree 1 this ‘ex’ shares the same excessive emotional outpourings but realises she has one tool to reignite the extinguished flame that existed between you; The sex card. After failing to convince you to stay she will then tempt you with ubiquitous offers of sexual gratuity including practices that were taboo when you were actually with her. If you held any suspicions during the term of your relationship that she was in fact a bit of a crackwhore this should confirm them. Suggestion: Gladly accept such sexual offerings and enjoy them to the fullest. Just before she then attempts to rekindle the flame use the same tactic you did with degree 1.

Degree 3: Be warned you are now entering into dangerous territory. This is where the emotional and desperate ex becomes bitter. After now believing your story that you hooked up with her best friend, (the confirmation of photos can be useful) and after been embarrassed by the sex card offering she is deeply bitter at losing you and her competitive streak kicks in. She pines to have you back just to prove that you should never have had the power to end it. These are the girls that will flirt/dance with/kiss or dry hump guys in full view of you. If such a girl has origins in Fishhoek she will even go as far to spread her dirty legs for the guy in the back of his Polo. She is doing this as a ploy to get you back my firing up your jealousy. Suggestion: Buy the lucky couple a round of drinks and throw the guy a high 5 as he passes you on the way out. Then proceed to court her best friend.

Degree 4: She is emotional. She is hurt. She is bitter. And now she is obsessive. It is this type of girl that Richard Branson introduced Virgin Mobile into the country for. Change your number and change it fast. If you have a land line disconnect it. She will show up at your door unannounced sporting the most random reason for popping by. She will sms you constantly and follow it up with why one asking why you won’t reply. You will then get a missed call off private number; she is confirming that your phone is on. She will send you messages meant for someone else just to trap you into replying. Beware she is resourceful and obsessive. She will sms to tell you she loves you still at 4am whilst drunk. She is drunk because she spent the night at home with a bottle of jack alternating between shots and sniffing the jersey of yours she never returned. Beware, this girl will befriend your next girlfriend and try push her under a treadmill at gym or something. Suggestion: Either get in touch with the guys at nip/tuck and consider your disguise options or phone Will Smith and see if that laser red thing that erases memory actually exists.

Degree 5: The stage 5 clinger is more dangerous than a wounded buffalo in a dense reed thicket: hurt, bitter, obsessed and pissed off. You broke her heart; she now wants to break your jaw. This is the reason restraining orders were invented. Thankfully she is easy to spot. She is the one on the CCTV security camera replay from last Saturday night sporting that very familiar blue hoodie (complete with Jack Daniels stains) that is seen deflating your tyres with a pitch fork, smashing your windscreen with a brick, removing and swapping the T and I on your GTi so you are Mr VW git and engraving on your bonnet in bright red spray paint ARSEHOLE. Suggestion: Thank ADT for their sterling work and send her pictures of you making out with her friends whilst she spends the next 2 to 4 years in prison.