Make your own comments...

I really don't like australians, merely for the fact that they are annoyingly good at achieving in sport and especially their ability to keep a cool head in a pressure situation and take the win. I however am 1 of a very few that hate them to such a reserved degree. The rest of the world probably hates them, but what gets me is that the sporting public berate their commentators.

What a load of dunny? SA sports commentators, particular rugby ones, are an embarrassment to live television. The great thing about the Super 14 is not only the rugby teams from 3 countries are pitted against each other but so are the commentators. I think it is safe to say that New Zealand and Aussie whip SA in the commentry box more so than on the field...

Real commentating:


"And I believe this weekend is the gay and lesbian mardi grad in Sydney. I wonder who will be on the Greg Martin float his year...?" - Phil Kearns to co-commentator Greg Martin.

"Crumbs, they sure breed them big in SA. Look at the Cats forward pack! It looks like they’re been gnawing on the sides of a wildebeest!!!" - Phil in awe of a hefty SA tight five...

"Ah...here we go! This is the interesting part of the game. I want to see more of this" - Phil remarking on a reset scrum...

"This is pretty. It’s a thing of beauty. These guys are great!" - Phil lauding a Cheetahs rolling maul.

"Quite frankly I don't know why it was taken out of the game in the first place?" - Phil remarking on the legality of a shoulder charge.

"Well it’s good to see the Reds girls are back after coming under heavy criticism and being banned for wearing revealing outfits..." Greg Martin.
"You're right there mate..." - Simon Poidevin (the 3rd wheel aussie guy)
"I don't see what all the fuss was about in the first place..." - Phil's stand point.

"It's not touch footie Earl Rose. It's too late!" - commenting on Rose's last ditch attempt to tackle Mat Roger's opening try in the Cats 43-3 thrashing by the Waratahs

HUGH BLADEN:

"I definitely think if they outscore them this afternoon they will win the end..." - Hugh stating the obvious."

There is NO way you can give that! Really I just don't see how a TMO will see this as a try. There is NO doubt in anyones mind that he didn't get that down..." - Hugh stating the not so obvious. Seconds past and the TMO gave the ref the go ahead to award the try.

"That is a severe knee injury if I have ever seen one. I am no doctor but that has to be a ligament tear right there. What do you think Joel?" - Hugh telling it how he sees it.
"I am inclined to agree Hugh! Probably out for 6 - 8 weeks with surgery." - Joel Stransky agreeing."More like 6-8 months Joel...!" - Hugh proving that he is no doctor as the Bulls player and subject of debate, gets up, dusts himself off and runs to join the game...

"Joubert, Marius Joubert switches with Pitout, Anton Pitout. Pitout runs it back in field and is brought down short of the half way..." - Huge confusing Cats wing Anton Pitout with Stormers wing Gus Theron. Sure they both are big, can't catch, very stupid and have a small head but come the fuck on they are wearing different jerseys...

"Falie Oelshig!" - Repeated consistently by Huge for 20 straight minutes everytime the Cheetahs number 9 picks up at the base. A co-commentator then politely points out it is in fact Michael Claasen.

JOEL:

"Look, it is straight out in front, with no pressure from the flanks and the wind on his side, but take nothing away from him it is 3 points!" - Joel (aka the King of Drop Goals) taking nothing away from Derick Hougaard’s 52m drop goal.

Lord, I apologize...

Blogging is not the newest thing around but has certainly spurted into a huge trend of late with just about everyone having a shot at their own page. Thing is with trends that explode like Mount Vesuvius is that unthinkable repercussions and spin-offs emerge as the phenomena grows...

It is no surprise that blogging then became a wonderful medium through which to bring porn to those of you at home that need it but it has been a surprise that blogging has pushed its way into the world of litigation:

A recent lawsuit in the UK, in which a man successfully sued a woman who had called him names in a blog, has highlighted issues that will become more prominent as Internet usage grows and blogging becomes more popular. The Guardian reports Conservative Party member Michael Keith-Smith sued lecturer Tracy Williams, with whom he was debating the merits of military action in Iraq, after she began a campaign of name-calling that started by describing him as ‘lard brain’ and culminated in labelling him a ‘Nazi’, a ‘racist bigot’ and a ‘nonce’. The case is one of the first of its kind between two private individuals to go to court. Legal experts said the case should be taken as a warning to the millions of people that the laws of libel applied just as they would if the comments were published in a leaflet or newsletter.

To be honest, if some retarded bitch called me a lard brain I would be pretty bleak but I wouldn't go through the admin of instituting a defamation claim against her. I would just reply and call her a retarded unpatriotic bitch that doesn't support her country in military operations. Of course in our law we have the defense in defamation that 'if its true its justifiable' so I guess its on my side...

However, this does open the floodgates problem that any 'tom, richard or harry' (dick might have encouraged an action) can threaten legal action if we berate his ability as a person. Hence we are working on a disclaimer...

The Countdown has begun…

The time the SA music fraternity has been waiting for is nearly on us. The support for this massive event is greater than that for Chuck Norris one-liners except the masses will remember this for years to come.

To my (admittedly limited) memory no superstar of such repute has touched foot on our mainland to perform since they let Madiba off the island. You could actually probably advocate that he is internationally better known than our great ex-leader, albeit hardly for deeds of an equal moral caliber.

News this morning that Robbie Williams was kicking back at the Planet Bar of the Mountain Nelson last night has, as I like to call it, started the count down. In just 2 weeks today he will be serenading us with his tunes, rocking us with his hits, making us gasp at his arrogance and making us jealous at the fact that he has filled Greenpoint stadium with more panty-throwing hot women than if the Women’s International World Cup for Panty Throwing was held there…

TOUR ITINERARY

Monday 10th April – ABSA Stadium, Durban

Thursday 13th April – Green Point Stadium, Cape Town

Monday 17th April – Loftus Versfeld Stadium, Pretoria

Monday's Girl ...


I know what you're thinking. We forgot your Monday girl. But if there's one thing we've taught you it's that we're never wrong. So, while it may be Tuesday, she's still the damn Monday girl. Get over it. Move on. She's so hot, I might even consider booking two days a week for her.

Martha, we've created a monster ...

Just when it seemed that Michael Jackson would finally fade away into a quiet retirement of prescription drugs, seedy motels and kiddie porn the self-proclaimed King of Pop(sicles) has got weirder. Digital Spy reports that:

"Michael Jackson is reportedly keen to make his comeback by recording with 50 Cent.The star apparently proposed the idea to the rapper's DJ Whoo Kid at the Bahrain Grand Prix last week.A source told The News of the World: 'Michael was talking to 50's DJ Whoo Kid who spoke to 50 there and then about it."The track would catapult Michael back into the limelight, which he is desperate for, and 50 has always been a fan.'

In hindsight, however, this may not be as strange a duet as one would initially think. Michael would undoubtedly bring new meaning to 50 Cent's lyrics of "take you to the candy shop" and "go shorty, it's your birthday".

RSLJ: Article 9 To whom much is given, much is expected…

There is a fundamental difference between your average guy and your not so average rockstar guy. The physical manifestation of this difference is the ‘card’ either carries. You see they both carry their ‘man cards’, whereas only rockstar’s carry the additional ‘rockstar card’. Okay, that’s not entirely correct you see they aren’t actually physical cards that you carry in your wallet but rather an apt vehicle to transport my metaphor. (if there was a physical manifestation of a ‘rockstar card’ it would probably be the glint in his eye as he walks past you with the woman of your dreams on his arm…)

Back to the difference between the two: The key difference is every guy upon birth gets his ‘man card’ and as previously mentioned rockstars have to earn theirs. The result of this difference is that guys spend their entire lives trying to keep their ‘man cards’ and trying to ascertain their ‘rockstar cards’. Now ‘rockstar cards’ aren’t just issued willy-nilly and are very difficult to get. If you’re expecting a dissertation on how to get one you immediately are disqualified from the race to get one. However what this piece will give you is the way is which you can lose your ‘man card’!

You see ‘man cards’ work on a similar basis to driver’s licenses in the UK. Your card comes with a 10 point margin and points get deducted from this total. If within a 2 year periods your margin gets reduced to zero, you lose your card. Unfortunately the problem is you can’t get points credited to your total. It’s a negative system. You do something unbecoming of a gentleman and wham…points gone and you’re on your way to using the longer bathroom queue at social gatherings.

Here are some ways to lose points and the amount you will lose:

- 2 pts: Not knowing who wears the captain’s armband of your national rugby/cricket/soccer team and who the tradition rivals are.
- 1 pt: keeping right and passing left.
- 3 pts: drinking cider when beer is available.
- 1 pt: Allowing your mom/girlfriend/female digsmate to dictate the shirt you wear, the shoes you buy and the way you style your hair.

- 3 pts: wearing the pink shirt and white shoes she chose.
- 4 pts: wearing the pink shirt and white shoes you chose.
- 2 pts: having an audible ringtone on your cellphone that you downloaded from gangsterblingblingrapbeats.com.
- 2 pts: not having the balls to chat to the cute blue eyed angel that eye-fucks the hell out of you in every lecture, tutorial and coffee queue.
- 4 pts: chatting to the angel and talking about your pink shirt and white shoes.
- 2 pts: playing internal league rugby and thinking your opinion on player’s selection outweighs that of Jake White’s.
- 2 pts: hitting on a girl of lesser aesthetic means because she is less of a challenge than her prettier friends. (additional 2 pts if you take her home)
- 2 pts: hitting on every girl in the club scheming that the law of averages will work in your favour.
- 3 pts: smsing another guy’s girlfriend. (get your own ugly)
- 3 pts: asking another guy’s girlfriend to go to a Super 12 game with you. (cause its 2006 and 12 changed to 14 stupid)
- 9 pts: smsing another guy’s girlfriend to go to a Super 12 game. (cause stupidity and being ugly add up exponentially)
- 4 pts: staying with a girl after she has cheated on you (additional 10 whippings with a sharp cane)
- 1 pt: wearing a cap backward and sideways.


- 1 pt: going to an NSync concert.
- 3 pts: wearing a cap backward and sideways, going to an NSync concert and lip-synching the words.
- 1 pt: going to gym in a spandex nike breathable black vest and white puma tracksuit pants with: an ipod strapped to your bicep, an adidas armband below your elbow, a USN waterbottle under your arm and a loudly ringing cellphone complete with 50 cent ringtone attached to your puma tracksuit pants.
- 9 pts: attending gym in aforementioned outfit and loitering around the watercooler ambushing any unsuspecting thirsty girl and asking her to guess your body fat percentage.

The rules don’t exactly require you to go out of your way but merely request a modicum of social behaviour. If you can’t keep to these and have your card revoked, it’s probably cause you deserved it…

Harsh, but fair.

Ready, Steady, Go...


What better way to start the week than from directly behind Jessica Alba's great bum...?

Happy St Paddy's Day...


I guess we are all obliged to go get hammered on Guiness, even if you're not even remotely Irish...

If they beat England tomorrow, the streets of Dublin will certainly be fulled of people hammered on Guiness....

Giving you Wiiiiings!

I must admit I have always been partial to a refreshing can of Red Bull. Sure the price of one is not far off what you pay for 2 litres of unleaded high grade petroleum but it is still worth it. I love the taste, some people hate it. However distain for guarana doesn't put trend slaves off it as a drink of choice.

So why do people love to buy it? Well it seems 'cool'! I think the reason you are perceived as cool while lunging over the bar screaming '2 double vodkas and red bull china' to the barmen is not because everyone knows its an expensive choice or because drinking urine coloured drinks are stylish but because the Red Bull brand stands for things far beyond a simple energy drink...

Brand awareness for Red Bull is phenomenol and thats cause they sponsor just about everything. From F1 teams, to campus girls driving around in Mini Coopers Red Bull has a logo on any event that is in the public eye. And whats more is the events they sponsor are usually pretty hardcore extremist sports like wakeboarding, kayaking, snowboarding, sky diving, downhill racing, Formula 1 etc...

However the marketers at Red Bull have stepped it up a notch and are sponsoring a (get this) a world wide paper jet contest. (clever little marketing ploy on jet there: planes are for pussies) I didn't really believe it at first but its true. Check out redbullpaperwings.com and you might even be keen to participate in one of the 3 categories at the next competition near you.


Here are the world records:
Longest Distance: Toni Fletch (US, 1985) with 58,82 m / 193 feet.
Longest Airtime: Ken Blackburn (US, 1998) with 27,6 sec.

I am happy if the continue to sponsor things like these, no matter how arbitrary, if they quit those damn annoying animated TV ads. Fuck it, I would register to participate in the Red Bull Tiddlywinks World Champs if I didn't have to hear that annoying voice over again...

Some people...!

Having said before that it takes a lot to get me really peeved, some people find the ability to take that lot.

While minding my own business on campus, I walk past these girls and one (whose face might have crossed my vision at some point, or maybe she just looks like my favourite pornstar) stops me mid-stride and throws out the usual, "What is the best birthday present to get a good guy friend who is your ex-boyfriend?" I nonchalantly suggest that a subscription to Mens Health may be a good idea (although why you're buying an ex a bday present is beyond me in the first place)...

She looked over at her friends who were casually milling around in awe of my guns, or of my insightful answer, and proclaimed in a shrill, annoying, sarcastic, undermining, condescending and just all-round painful tone: "Oh, so I should just buy him porn...!"

A good friend once told me he very rarely believes anything that he didn't read from Men's Health. Any guy or girl who has read this hallowed publication will know that it is straight out of the 'anything with pages' top draw. In fact a pristine collection should be shelved next to works like the Magna Carta, the 7 Dead Sea Scrolls or a autographed first print of the Little Red hen (it's a classic).

Porn - useful, but not classy

Sure, some of MH's content can be repetitive but to have the audacity to make a remark like that about it nearly made me kick her in the tits. Luckily for her MH strictly prohibits violence against women. However that doesn't prevent me from wishing she finds her beloved ex-boyfriend screwing her best friend at his birthday party. No wonder he broke up with the filthy crackwhore.

What a weekend...!

After a weekend of such magnitude it is kinda hard finding a girl that can do Monday justice. I now fully understand Monday blues. The weekend is such a ripper that anything Monday can bring pales in significance...

The abatement of breath for Tiger's opening night was a waste. The queue didn't get much shorter than two hours long the entire night. The lure of 'comps' for many was as unfounded as the promise of Scotland winning the 6 nations. The quoting individuals that strutted around chests out flaunting their personalised invites for the big opening were not alone...tiger handed out 9000 such invites.

A club that can accomodate 200 people should not hand out 9000 comps. I have seen Main Rd taxi with bigger interiors than that. However 2 things were made clear from friday nights happenings. Firstly Tiger is not going to follow the Claremont underage trend and allow people below their 23 age to enter, except those that look older enough. (see photo below as proof) The second truth that friday uncovered for the people at Tiger was that they should have built it a shit load closer to Durbanville and save the patrons they attract the commute... [testament to this would be a picture of the 90kg Tannie I saw wearing (yes you guessed it) a Tiger print outfit...leopard prints are so last year...]

In terms of the sporting element this super weekend provided it is kinda hard to put it into words. A late try by the Hurricanes to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat, (or more like the Stormers snatching defeat from the jaws of victory) was epic for me as a huge Canes fans. How a team loses 8 of its own lineouts and still manages to win is a mystery... The cricket well... was the cricket. I don't assume to have even a glimpse of the authority to write about what can only be described as the most amazing thing in sport since Roger Bannister ran the 4 min mile...

My absolute highlite was finshing the Argus though. I take my hat off to anyone who has spent more than 2 hours sitting on something that only accomodates 40% of your ass. Its remarkable that people do this for fun, let alone professionally. I now know what Edward Norton felt like in American History X. Anyway I am patting myself and my tandem partner on the back (a slap on the arse would be too painful) for managing to do it with a bike chain that broke more often than the stormers defence...


I will relate one interesting anecdote that might bring humor to you. My beloved tandem accomplice led me to the top of the gruelling Chapman's Peak incline and we had a agreed that I would stop to get my cramping quads rubbed down at the physio tent on the summit. We stop. I hop off. I change my mind and say: "Butty, I will just grab some water and have the rub down after the descent!" My breath must have been flailing or his ear blocked cause he just continued to ride...

He took our beastly blue excuse for a bike 600m down the descent before a roadside spectator chirped, "hey boet where is your partner..?" I was now 400m behind him sprinting down the hill screaming for a lift...

Oh and beware. Today is the Ides of March...

Burning Bright...

I don't think I am the first person to bring you the news that today sees the opening of the Cape Town branch of the national 'super-club' Tiger Tiger, because with the amount of money they spent on a 5fm national advertising campaign I am sure you all already know.

But do you know what this entails for us?

Well the kicker for many of us is finally a club has come to Cape Town bringing the offer of real drinks special and maybe, just maybe, even a pigs night! Now don't confuse my excitement to this as testament to the fact that I am claiming to be a heavy drinker. Instead as with any young man whose early introduction to the going out scene happened in KZN will tell you that an 'all you can drink' evening has fantastic repercussions that make a night very enjoyable. It is amazing the lubricating effect a hefty entrance fee and refillable glass can have on an evening. (read pussycat doll post below to see desired such results.)

However even such a 'hefty' entrance fee pales in significance to the door charges of other Cape Town night spots where you still get charge R14 for a not-so-bitterly cold MGD. Sure the 50ZAR entrance at Ignite is equated by the amount of hot chicks walking around, but their pretention at being 'uber cool' and model-esque is rather nauseating.

Instead (hopefully) Tiger might bring us loads of such hot women liquored on aforementioned cheap drinks and eager to act in debaucherous and prurient ways...

Got this from Tiger Rivonia's website: You see plentiful drunk ass. Sure they not the hottest girls around but remember they are Joburg chicks...

The kicker? Well the big question on everyones minds is which angle are Tiger going to go for? With a no under 23 friday door policy at a club that is situated in the heart of the countries den of underage drinking I wonder how it will survive? I ensivage one of two results: (1) They will concede defeat and turn a blind eye to anyone under23 or (2) anyone in the market of producing counterfeit ID permits will have enough money to buy a house in clifton...

The other thing Tiger offers? Well they do have the world's most notorious bouncers in the stupidity and criminal activity categories so I am sure we will have a law suit before Winter. I just hope I am not the guy who get launched face first from the balcony into Main Road for carrying a fake ID and faker moustache...

Rockstar of the Moment ...

Although this he may not entirely epitomise the Rockstar values espoused here, Lonely Finger certainly has managed to garner plenty of fame and notoriety in the last few weeks, by doing nothing of any apparent value. Sex Pistols anyone? Good on you. We'd buy you the chicken burger, but it's probably pretty difficult to handle, only being a finger and all. That's gotta bite ...

Back in the real world, LonelyFinger.com can be traced to marketing giant bbdo, and is more than likely a teaser campaign for the launch of Virgin Mobile in South Africa. Pretty boring, I know, but don't blame me, it's been a slow couple of months.

UPDATE: I'm not saying I was wrong, although I may have temporarily been not exactly right. Lonely Finger was in fact a teaser campaign for 5fm. So that make's 2 good things they've done in the last couple of months. In case you've been dead, they're firing Mark Gilman. That's the second thing, in case you've been retarded. Who knows, maybe they'll start playing some good music.

The Owl and the Pussycat ...

I don't know if this is going to come as a surprise to anyone, but it seems that the Pussycat Dolls are what you could call "loose women", "women of ill-repute" or "filthy crackwhores". Just like the kind your momma used to warn you about. Either that or they have a healthy disregard for underwear.

I know, I'm shocked too, a breast and a crotch 'accidently' exposed and Paris Hilton isn't anywhere in sight. Go figure.

Thanks for WWTD for the images. Just don't tell him, it'll be our little secret. Sssh.

Why we insure men only ...

Having claimed for aeons that they can multi-task, there now seems to incontrevertible proof that women can in fact do several things at once. The Flintshire Chronicles reports that:

"A MOTORIST is facing disqualification after police video cameras caught her using both hands to put on make-up as she was driving at 32mph. Crown prosecutor Ian Evans presented photographs to the court showing that Donna Maddock had an eye brush in one hand and a compact in the other as she drove at 32mph in a 40mph area. Mr Evans said: 'She was not speeding, but she was doing 32mph more than she should have been because she had no hands on the steering wheel.' "

Ms. Maddock may not have seen the 18-wheeler, but at least she was properly groomed for the head-on collision

That sure puts paid to SA insurance company, 1st for Women's claims that men are higher risk drivers. Of course, there was that time I had the 3 Swedish models in the car. Although I prefer to think of it as sharing, not multi-tasking.

Monday's Girls...


I figure that since there are very few pretty things in SA rugby at the moment we better focus on those good things...and even then the blonde one is average...