Tuesday, July 07, 2009

A tribute...

Great beaters great ads...

You can´t make up this shit. I have been wanting to pass comment about P Divvy lately but like any terminal illness it is inappropriate to talk about it in front of the dying person, and I know the springbok reads rockstar.

However, I famous P Divvy, has had is inebriated tongue curtailed by the most unexpected source. Sports Minister Makhenkesi Stofile has told P Divvy to sober up. Sober up? Fantastic.

Stofile told the Daily News that he liked De Villiers very much and knew him as a good player from his days in Boland, but suggested the more the Springbok coach talked, the more he got confused.

"The role of the coach is to prepare the team," said Stofile. "The role of the spokesperson is to represent the union."

Drink what in front of you?

The slow death..

Monday, July 06, 2009

Fantastic British Humour...

Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester.

Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with *What A Wonderful World*?
Contestant: I don't know.
White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand
and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song *What
A Wonderful World*?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy?
Contestant: France.
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question.
In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris.

*Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all
written books about their experiences in what - Prison or the Conservative
Contestant: The Conservative Party.

DJ Mark: For Pounds 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey?

*GWR FM (Bristol) *
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

Presenter: What is the name of the long-running TV comedy show about
pensioners: Last Of The ...?
Caller: Mohicans.

Phil: What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five?

*Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
A: Forrest Gump.

Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er .....
Leslie: He makes bread.
Contestant: Er .....
Leslie: He makes cakes.
Contestant: Kipling Street?

*Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.

Question: What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific

Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a
famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta?

O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth .... er....
er.... three?

Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan.
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I
can let you try again.
Caller: Er .... Mexico?

Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after a long pause): Fourteen days.

Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant: No.

Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er .....
Wood: It's got two syllables ..... Kor ....
Contestant: Blimey!
Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run.
Contestant: ..... (silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I .....?
Contestant: Walked?

Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer
can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia.

Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant: Jewish.
Presenter: That's close enough.

Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character
clad only in a loincloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus.

I look forward to Supersports Hilights reel of Piddy Divvys rugby comments..
Monday Girl...

Hi five? And begin.

Friday, July 03, 2009

We have a new leader...

This was sent in by a rockstar friend. It is an incredible thing to witness the naming of Afrikaans children. Roll call at koshuis must have been a hoot. This is the Griffons run on side to face the A& G Lions in a Currie Cup warm up this weekend. Look out for numbers 7 and 4.

Teams: Griffons: 15 Tertius Maarman; 14 Darryl Coeries, 13 Eddie Fredericks, 12 Werner Griesel, 11 Fabian Juries; 10 Kennedy Tsimba, 9 Clayton Gawie; 8 Nicky Steyn (captain), 7 Bioplus van der Merwe, 6 Marnus Briedenhann, 5 Isak van der Merwe, 4 Windpomp, 3 Sewes Oosthuizen, 2 Ashley Johnson, 1 Petros Methula.
Replacements: 16 Herschol Johnson, 17 Gert Greyling, 18 Kevin Stevens, 19 Albert Parsons, 20 Henrico Schultz, 21 Tiaan van Wyk, 22 Shane Hancke.

Thanks Roy.

Thursday, July 02, 2009

Trench Day 153: Surfing...

My employers are fuckin sneaking. They found we have scant aptitude to work all day so in our entire building there is one photocopy machine, two phonelines in working conditions and absolutely no access to email, the interweb, a printer, a computer...it is a friggan miracle there is even cellphone reception in my building.

Please see 25 Feb below!!!

Fuck it is a miracle the building itself isn't condemded. Needless to say I work for the South African government (and you the citizen at home by extension) and come to think of it when the government bought the building 30 years ago it probably was condemned so they could get it at half-price (although they probably said they paid full price and then kept the other half for personal fun) and de-condemned it so we could work in it.

Anyway I suspect the lack of email-interweb access is so the already wayward lazy employees - myself occasionally included - can't play truant on the interweb all day instead of doing the little work we pretend to do. Well didn't we stick one to them when we slipped past security and out of the building an hour early today. Security consists of special forces trained covert military tacticians armed with battaryless handheld communication consols and expired pepper spray. I managed to sneak past and into the free world cause they were all cosily huddled around a hot plate sleeping. Seriously...a hot plate...not a heater...a fuckin hot plate.

How will Dad contain his pride?

Anyway (again) my free stolen hour of truancy allowed me time on the interweb and this is what I found. www.thechive.com. Fuckin fabulous. Two things. The dudes have acquired a library of shit. They basically surf facebook stealing photos of hot chicks that were dumb enough to post themselves in little clothing to the entire world (except china and SA government employees). Go check this shit out! A taste below. They also have this archive called photobombers. Priceless! Guys who sneak into photos. Some funny shit...if you're bored in the trench with interweb access...


Fucking classic...
Thursday's car...

Car of the day. Hey, it checks your blindspot..!
Blackberry is better...roger that..

This is undisputed photographic evidence that a blackberry is better than the old Iphone. (if you're not packing the 3GS you might as well call that fuckin thing an ipod) You see this photo taken at Wimbledon? It cut Roger's arm off. Impossible to this that a blackberry could do that! Although, also impossible to think the blackberry's battery would have lasted into game 2 for Federer to swap sides to be closer to the east side of Centre court to actually take the photo.

Exhibit 1: "Old" Iphone:

Having caught Nadal's contagious uni-arm-atosis, Roger's one arm grew smaller than the other.

Exhibit 2: Blackberry Photo:

15 love?

The war continues. Thanks Button.

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

Memoirs from the Trenches: Part I

At the time of graduation I was totally oblivious to how unlucky I was to earn the cap and the robe. Although the time was accompanied with much relief and a fuzzy feeling of achievement I had scant idea of what was to follow. It turns out graduating was the biggest white elephant I have ever pulled into a room - and has history will show I am not that big on pulling white elephants...golden hued angels yes, white elephants not really.

I have now realised - as it has been bashed into me relentlessly for the past 152 days - that with the accomplishment of graduation comes 10 hour working days, no holidays to speak of and the withdrawal of parental financial report like if communist sponsored South Africa granted the Dalai Lama a tourist visa a Confed tickets.

Here´s lookin´ at you oppression.

However, my spiraling into the trenches of the working world have been ameliorated somewhat by some humorous day to day incidents associated with working for the government. I give you Memoirs from the Trenches.

Part 1: Day 152.

The heat is surprisingly stifling in the room given that it is Cape Town in the middle of winter. The matter before me is one of a simple consultation between two feuding parties. Background will explain to you that sometimes I encounter situations where you have to try talk to people to resolve a pending dispute in the far-fetched hope that we can solve the problem before the next step.

Usually the disputes revolve around unfulfilled maintenance obligations, the damage to ones ________ (insert anything from microwave, car windscreen to favourite pot plant collection) or physical family disagreement. This one revolved curiously around the enforcement of a civil contract.

Aggrieved complainant!

Very simply the complainant was seeking action against the accused/defendant for not paying the full amount on the contractually agreed price for services rendered. Interesting conundrum this in these tough economic times but the enforcement of contractual obligations has always been the backbone of a thriving economy. The con part of the conundrum comes in when I add that contracts are not enforceable if they are contra bonis mores or against public policy or if they are illegal.

You try explain to a toothless 43year old divorced mother of 3 that the fact that the said contract defaulter agreed to pay her for sexual services actually means little in the face of the fact that prostitution is considered illegal. Interesting things going on in this trench..

Harsh but fair...

*Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question
Asked was:-**

The United States of Africa?

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food
Shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

And Finally....................... In Australia they hung up because
They can't understand an Indian accent.*


Some momentous things have happened in recent times. We finally got
rid Puke Watson. Pi Diddy is on the cusp of hanging himself with his
own whistle lanyard and Michael Jackson faked his own death.

Also South Africa managed to succesfully host a world class soccer
competition. The jury is out as to what exactly was the hilight of the
Confed Cup was but we're confident - more so than in our usual annoying way-
that we know what/who it is. Unfortunately its on our pvr and we
can't show it off. It involves Fernando Torres. It wasn't Torres - although he was good - but it was what he that bought our gift to us...

¨I want to see Torres, and the champions of Europe¨

I can only describe her as 13´s hotter little sister. Infact the sound bite is so sexy I am thinking of appling to Supersport to buy the rights to the ad so I can share it on metube. I would post her on youtube but I kinda want her for myself not for everyone else.

Hi 13, can I please speak to your hot little SA sister?

She is South African though - she must be - you see her, you email us.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

The Comeback...

Just like the Lions after 46minutes in test match 1, like the Boks after 45 in test match 2. Like the Spanish 88th minute assault and the Brazilian 75th minute insurgence. And just like checks world wide, we are making a comeback, no so much a rebirth but more of a reminder.

Checks: In

We considered dying in an effort to allow all our records to retake pole position on every Billboard chart but that act was taken. We are going organic with a good old fashioned comeback.

Come back.

We have taken time away to relax, reflect, grow up a bit and we are coming back more rested than the All Blacks after a World Cup campaign, and a truckload better looking...

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Rockstar Drinks ...

We've been keeping this up our sleeves for a while now, waiting for the right moment to unleash it on you, and now, that time has come.

&Union, located just around the corner from Heritage Square is where you're likely to stumble across a Rockstar relaxing and taking in the vibe (no doubt with a few adoring groupies in tow). Specializing in beer (yes, beer) and meat it already sounds like it's got a good thing going.
Although it's been featured in GQ already, it's still one of Cape Town's best kept secrets. The best part? It'll probably stay that way. Started by the same crazy kids who started Vida e Caffe - &Union takes a new approach to the fine art of a drinking a beer. With seven beers in the range - each brewed by small family run breweries in Europe - you'll be blown away by the originality of the flavours and the passion of the guy's who run the place.

The Rockstar Journal's popped round there last night for a tasting and had the finer points of the beer explained to us. We won't bore you with the details, suffice to say, it's the best beer you'll ever drink.

And it's only available at three places in the World. &Union, the old Cafe (Caprice - if you're confused) and Rik's Cafe. Oh, and have your ladyfriend try the Brewers&Union dark blend, or the Rafael - served in a champagne bottle - it's never been this classy for a girl to drink beer.
Get there now, and next time someone asks you whether you drink Heineken or Peroni, you'll be ready with an answer.

Tell them Rockstar sent you.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Monday Girl.


Monday, March 09, 2009

Pool Party...

Darwin had a theory. Needless to say these blokes wont have kids to throw pool parties...
Monday Girl...

I will take this lying down...

Friday, March 06, 2009

Fri-day monday comes around...

I´ve noticed something over the past few weeks that needs a mention. I have taken to tossing into a gym session between work finishing and supper on a Friday night. As a pre-work restricted student the WOD was either at a lazy 9amor even better just after lunch. Work doesn´t allow this.

Monday through Friday...

I have however noticed something incredible and decided to point it out. Monday through Thursday the after work training session is bulging from spinning studio to weights section with fit toned muscle bound exercise freaks sporting Adonis six packs or Aphrodite curves. Fast forward to Friday and you have a different cross section of society.

Only fat and ugly people gym with me on a Friday.

It is true.

I usually don´t notice ugly people but they are so many in gym on a Friday that I was forced to take notice. I then tested the theory and it is true. Obviously however there is a perfectly good reason.Friday´s only...

All the pretty people train Monday through Thursday to get into shape so they are invited to attend events that involve socialising and then sex, whereas your ugly people aren´t invited. Your ugly people are upset at not having anywhere to go, so they go try train off the ugliness. Makes perfect sense.

That leaves me with the horrible possibility that some social event somewhere is doing pretty badly because I am such a nerd that if a WOD falls on a Friday, I go fraternise with the ugly people...

Red and light Blue:

This week in the news.

Quaid Cooper: I think the Tahs play a very boring unimaginative style of attack.

Lote Tuquiri: I would rather not entertain the crowds in a semi-final, than my mates around for a barbeque...