Celebrity Daisy Match...

We all love a bit of competition right? Well how about a showdown to see who can don the sexy short skirt and kick ass cowboy boots to be Miss Daisy Duke in the Dukes of Hazzard sequel?

The two contenders are:

The incumbent Miss Jessica Simpson

The challenger Miss April Scott

Before you get out your voting buttons, know that the competition is moot since Miss April Scott is already the winner and has replaced Simpson. This isn't life changin news but it might change how you spend the next 5 minutes of it...

You saw it here first...


Are those UCT rugby socks???

RSLJ Article 11: It’s over...

It is said that even Satan can find quotes in the Bible to give impetus to his arguments and I suppose the same applies to songs. You can easily scroll through the playlist on your ipod for ten minutes and find lyrics that will support your position in regard to any argument. It is from the adroit lyrics of Sugarcult that I find impetus for this article.

“Look around if you ever miss me, look around cause it kills me, its over there is nothing you can do, there is nothing you can say to keep me here, its over. To say we are just friends, we’re playing pretend, to keep me here.”

Most things relating to relationships are difficult to communicate to your partner, however it is more difficult to communicate those things that don’t want to be heard. This is why I advocate that in future when tasked with ending the relationship you should employ Sugarcult to assist you in getting the job done. Of course blearing it from your car stereo from the road beneath her bedroom balcony isn’t exactly any better than say smsing her the lyrics or say mms-ing her a video of her best friend giving you a lap dance to the tune; so I think it is best you decide how it should be done.

[A good friend of ours, Boyd, who happens to be considered a bit of a guru holy man in regard to relationship once quoted that ‘if you lead with we’re talking past each other she doesn’t stand a chance’ so probably try that]

However getting the job of breaking it off done is not the hard part. The hard part is dealing with the “ex” for the rest of your life. Exes come in varying degrees of severity and it is worthwhile to evaluate these degrees. If you wondering why its worthwhile to evaluate these? It is so that when we have to call Grissom from the crime lab to identify your charred remains we can tell your parents we ‘told him so’…

Before we get into these 5 degrees it is important to note most ex-girlfriends settle into one of these categories but they all start out in degree 1 and follow the incremental phases until they reach the degree she settle in. So if she doesn’t progress past 1 she is the low-key harmless version but if she progresses all the way to the end we have a stage 5 clinger psycho she-bitch.

Degree 1: This is the recently broken up with girl or the one that gets over you the most. She is characterised by being excessively emotional (that’s excessively more than she usually is) and she will without fail try her best to dissuade you from implementing your decision by crying excessively, screaming excessively, apologising excessively and then crying again. Please understand she knows no concept of the term excessive! Since she has no reason to hate you besides the fact that you want to break up she doesn’t really have a reason to get over you. Suggestion: Give her one! Either fabricate a story about how you hooked up with another girl or better yet you do so.

Degree 2: Not far removed from Degree 1 this ‘ex’ shares the same excessive emotional outpourings but realises she has one tool to reignite the extinguished flame that existed between you; The sex card. After failing to convince you to stay she will then tempt you with ubiquitous offers of sexual gratuity including practices that were taboo when you were actually with her. If you held any suspicions during the term of your relationship that she was in fact a bit of a crackwhore this should confirm them. Suggestion: Gladly accept such sexual offerings and enjoy them to the fullest. Just before she then attempts to rekindle the flame use the same tactic you did with degree 1.

Degree 3: Be warned you are now entering into dangerous territory. This is where the emotional and desperate ex becomes bitter. After now believing your story that you hooked up with her best friend, (the confirmation of photos can be useful) and after been embarrassed by the sex card offering she is deeply bitter at losing you and her competitive streak kicks in. She pines to have you back just to prove that you should never have had the power to end it. These are the girls that will flirt/dance with/kiss or dry hump guys in full view of you. If such a girl has origins in Fishhoek she will even go as far to spread her dirty legs for the guy in the back of his Polo. She is doing this as a ploy to get you back my firing up your jealousy. Suggestion: Buy the lucky couple a round of drinks and throw the guy a high 5 as he passes you on the way out. Then proceed to court her best friend.

Degree 4: She is emotional. She is hurt. She is bitter. And now she is obsessive. It is this type of girl that Richard Branson introduced Virgin Mobile into the country for. Change your number and change it fast. If you have a land line disconnect it. She will show up at your door unannounced sporting the most random reason for popping by. She will sms you constantly and follow it up with why one asking why you won’t reply. You will then get a missed call off private number; she is confirming that your phone is on. She will send you messages meant for someone else just to trap you into replying. Beware she is resourceful and obsessive. She will sms to tell you she loves you still at 4am whilst drunk. She is drunk because she spent the night at home with a bottle of jack alternating between shots and sniffing the jersey of yours she never returned. Beware, this girl will befriend your next girlfriend and try push her under a treadmill at gym or something. Suggestion: Either get in touch with the guys at nip/tuck and consider your disguise options or phone Will Smith and see if that laser red thing that erases memory actually exists.

Degree 5: The stage 5 clinger is more dangerous than a wounded buffalo in a dense reed thicket: hurt, bitter, obsessed and pissed off. You broke her heart; she now wants to break your jaw. This is the reason restraining orders were invented. Thankfully she is easy to spot. She is the one on the CCTV security camera replay from last Saturday night sporting that very familiar blue hoodie (complete with Jack Daniels stains) that is seen deflating your tyres with a pitch fork, smashing your windscreen with a brick, removing and swapping the T and I on your GTi so you are Mr VW git and engraving on your bonnet in bright red spray paint ARSEHOLE. Suggestion: Thank ADT for their sterling work and send her pictures of you making out with her friends whilst she spends the next 2 to 4 years in prison.

Rockstar of the Moment...

Ever wondered what those people on TV mean when they say "I'd hit that..!" whilst simultaneously clutching the crotch of their baggy jeans and moving the tip of their trucker ever so slightly more to the side?

Well we here at Rockstar Journals believe that you don't need to be sporting aforementioned baggy jeans or sideways trucker to put the phrase to use. You see our latest rockstar of the moment has drawn our attention to a different usage of the phrase.

Not since the valiant and plucky effort of the 'Lonely Finger' has anyone produced an effort so laudable that it warranted been bestowed with this honour until now. Yes, Richard Green you are our latest rockstar of the moment...

--------------------------------Richard's threesome.

If you happened to read the back page of Sunday's paper or spend more time on the internet than Ronaldo spends eating pies you'll know that Richie boy is world famous because he convinced his brainless girlfriend to enter into a 3 way carnal passion fest if he got 5 million hits on his website...

You guessed it. He got the 5 million and is currently on 7 419 139 and counting. If he gets to 15 million his 'missus' has committed to a foursome. His young lass the 21 year old Katie Greenwood who is famous in her own right as the girl who shagged Shane Warne.


Now Katie is not exactly the best looking lass on the planent and doesn't cut the high standard set by the RSLJ picture filtering committee, (although this time we'll let it slide) so Dickie doesn't get the award for any efforts in that department but he sure does for pulling the wool over her eyes long enough for him to 'hit' another a chick. Good work Dickie.

Check him out on www.pleasemakethiswork.com and once you've read this post, browse off this page and then click back on us. [we have our own reasons to up our hits...]

Catch 22 Monday...

I am definitely riding the "Go Ghana" craze right now since after all the Black Stars are representing our little continent at one of the biggest sporting events in the world. However my loyalty is divided as they square up against defending champions Brazil in Round 2.

I would love Ghana to be the under dog success story of Germany 2006 but Brazil is one of those teams that just about any neutral observer will support just cause they have such a history in the game and bring so much to the game. They birng their (rock)star players with their (rock)star skills, their flair, their entertaining approach and of course they bring this little angel...



Go Brazil!!!!

The road to glory...

I just watched Glory Road. It didn’t inspire me to jump up to take an active role correcting past racial injustices and ameliorate the position of people faced with inequalities but I certainly enjoyed the movie.

For those of you that spend your hours in lightless rooms it is about the Texas Western College basketball championship season of 1966 and that fact that they were the first team ever to start 5 black players in a NCAA championship game.

I wasn’t really sure what I wanted to say about the movie but was certainly moved enough to put finger to keyboard. However when I googled the film name to get a picture for my post (many posts start out picture first) I stumbled across this dude’s review of the movie and it certainly made me want to write something.

I am not going to give him the pleasure of revealing his site name as you will know that even bad publicity is good publicity but instead I’ll steal the opportunity to berate his berating of the film without him being able to rebut my points hence ensuring me the victory. Okay so Glory Road might not have inspired me but it has taught me sneaky ways to win.

So who is your daddy?

This nameless film critic is an absolute pounce and it wouldn’t surprise me if he was Barry Ronge’s gayer son or at the very least the equally queer son of Michael Moore. He wrote this long piece that turned into a polemic about how Jerry Bruckheimer (GR producer) was just being a typical white bigot by trying to cleanse himself of racial guilt and attach the “I’m a white guy that cares and detested racism” name to his.

Now I am not going to try justify that because I have lived my whole life in one of the few countries that has succeeded in discarding the evil white robe of racism I have the authority to write on such things. But since I am one that has lived in the generation after these injustices, making me part and parcel to the healing process, I can say that the prick on the other end of the film critique is an utter wanker.

It is the attitude like the one he has that retards the process of any progression toward the goal of getting over such an abhorrent history and moving toward a cohesive and successful future. Unlucky for him it also makes him the guy that doesn’t get over the girlfriend that dumps him so he will spend the rest of his life phoning her at 4am with a bottle of MY KINDA cane in him professing his, literally, undying love. Wanker…

Good News Anchor...

Okay so our posts of late haven't been filled with reams and reams of interesting textual content which you as the reader craves to scour over and extrapolate interesting and insightful hidden deeper meanings from but give us a break we aren't in a happy place right now...

One contributor is slaving away trying to break into London's picky adult entertainment industry (with little success or atleast less than his gf), one is away in the transkei trying to understand the value of life whilst adhering to his vow of silence so as to better understand the meaning of a whisper and I am suffering from serious post-traumatic exam stress and trying to pack my bags for my 3 week stint to thailand.

I do feel our collective excuses for only posting things with visual content will fall on deaf ears once you check out this little angel...

Monday Soccer Girls...

If Showers Could Cure AIDs ...

The Beautiful Game
(A Brief Guide to Britains ASBO Generation)

A week into the most watched sporting event in history, and there have been few surprises. Aside from a couple of unexpected draws (the mafia-sponsored Italy - US match springs to mind), things are proceeding much as one would expect. Rascist neo-nazis have threatened minority groups and warned them to stay away from certain towns, hookers have flooded the cities looking for business, and thousands of chav's have been spotted in and around stadiums.

When meeting the parents becomes incredibly awkward

For those of you unfamiliar with the above terminology - your folks probably wouldn't be blown away were you to bring home a working girl, slightly less so were they to prove to be a violently pro-aryan, swastika-carrying skinhead - but were you to bring home a chav (or chavette) they would be hard-pressed not to disown you.

Chav's are a completely British invention, although they are distant relatives of the Irish pikey and Johannesburg Ghei. Though they are someone difficult to define, they tend to exhibit loutish, anti-social behaviour and can often be heard shouting football chants and involved in street brawls. Aside form behaviourial traits the chav can be identified by it's strong tribal affiliation - manifested by a slavish devotion to brand names, jewellery and sports wear.

Your average chav is between 14-24 and will usually be found in a combination of Burberry clothing (a chav staple) and sports wear, have at least 1 diamond/hoop earing and be wearing either a hoodie or a baseball-cap to hide their identity from London's many CCTV cameras. In the wild, the chav will cover in groups - all the better to mob unsuspecting innocents and be accompanied by a chavette who will exhibit much the same characteristics and will generally expose both stomach and legs, and have far too much make-up on. If encountered they should be avoided at all costs, unless of course you like that sort of thing - in which case you should.

What’s your flavour…?

I really thought the race for the award of the most annoying aural entity right now was so far gone we had a closed list. In the skimpy outfit and the equine-nose we had Nicole Fox as the leading contender; not just her semetic-esque nasal drain is friggan annoying but also the frivolous content of what she finds as a quality radio entertainment.

Contrary to popular belief crass sexual jokes, the latest in fashion indiscretions and any information about celebrity eating habits is not interesting stuff to hear. Nicole is definitely starting to stamp her name all over the title but for the surprise challenge from the music coordinator of Virgin Active

I’ve never seen him but just know him for what comes out of the speakers above the rowing machines. You know what I’m talking about? Take nothing away from him as I am sure his mixing board skills are right up there with Carl Cox as it must be difficult to take a pretty decent Coldplay song and overlay it on one of those songs from one of those CDs that gets advertised during currie cup halftime ad slots when the Pumas play the Griffons. Doof doof doof Let’s Taaaalk doof doof and then the concertina cuts in for a solo.

However, recent events have caused concern for both Nicole and DJ Roodepoort as neither is secured the silver, let alone the gold, medal. What is amazing is the origin of this aural irritation as it comes from a brand that has a reputation for being funny, impressive and pertinent.

Now they have a radio ad that is so possibly nauseating it rivals the wave that hit me when England won the 2003 World Cup and they sung ‘Sweet Chariots’ and so irritating it rivals the gentleman of African decent that used to announce awaiting phone calls to other students in res during first-year.


If I ever have to hear the words, ‘Nandoes Flavour chicken’ in that exasperating voice again I will tear the speakers our of my car fill them with rancid chicken livers and hide them in the air-conditioning duct of the abhorrent advertising agency that made the ad. Not only is the jingle lank stupid but they use this arrays of voices that would make any sane person book a week holiday in Valkenberg as opposed to the Sheraton. The main voice sounds like a garbled amalgamation of the Portuguese chapter of the chipmunks and the guy who does the voiceover for those Michael Naicker inserts.

I must admit I detest the ad but do have the power to switch off the radio however the friggan idiots who step out of their car and then hum this jingle to the outside world (in the words of Garfield) need to be “dragged out into the street and shot…”

Into the wilderness...

After so recently joining the Rockstar Journals, I have decided to take a sabbatical in an attempt to find myself. I will be in a location so remote that i won't even have cellphone reception let alone access to the internet. Fear not though loyal followers, it is only a seafood and alcohol binge week in the Transkei and its not as if my posting has been prolific anyway. I do plan to come back with a bang however so prepare yourselves.

Monday Rocks...



A girl sent this to us, suggesting Kendra should be our monday girl! This girl? A very pretty girl! A very sexy girl! A very clever girl! A very very very nice girl! We like this girl. We would put a photo of the girl sending the image up but then I would have to share her with you. I'm not very sharing...

Lie about this...

Someone should write a piece about why they hate people who lie! I hate people who lie to me cause it creates inside me an impression of something that is fallacious and it pisses me off. On Friday I was lied to…



The newspapers were saying the whole week that Carlos Spencer would be starting for the World XV when they appeared against a pseudo-Western Province Currie Cup team to play in Corne Krige’s benefit game. I hate Corne Krige but that’s a different story. The bottom line is I only paid to go watch because the World XV gloated a star studded line-up.

Needless to say those ticket scalping bitches that advertised the starting 15 and the game, lied in that Spencer didn’t start and more so he never was going to. He only played the last 26 minutes…



As I said the WXV was sporting a star studded lineup and I would have gone even if Spencer was only benching but the point is they instilled in me the belief that I was going to witness 80minutes of the Carlos show. Do build things up and then have them anticlimax. That’s like a girl inviting you back to her place to play hide the toy soldier and instead you play monopoly. Not cool hey.

Thankfully Sebastien Chabal (also down to start but benched) came on early cause Toutai Kefu has got so fat his shadow is twice what his normal self used to be. (I think that it is how the euphemism is meant to work) Anyway Chabal has to be the mainest (maniest?) guy playing in any loose trio right now.



He came on and immediately broke off the base and steamrolled over Corne Krige. Not sure how that was too his benefit but whatever I was there for Spencer and now Chabal. The guy is phenomenal. Bernard Laporte would be a fool to omit him from his French squad. He is only 30 next year but if you saw the 60m try he scored, the massive hits he put in and the crap he took on the chin literally from bonehead Dutchmen like Pietie Ferreira you would have no doubt over his age.

Oh and he was man of the match against the Springboks last week. He wife must be the physically unluckiest girl in the world... I hope all the people responsible for the little media charade about the starting fifteen wake up in pain every morning for the rest of their lives feeling like Mrs Chabal after a passionate night with Sebastien....

Tall, Dark & good-looking ...


Well, 2 out of 3 ain't bad.

As befits every true Rockstar - a christening. A baptism into the world of sex, rock n' roll and well, more sex. An initiation into Tom Wolfe's 'true brotherhood' and a sign of the Right Stuff. Though his occassional dalliances with women from the other side of the track would have scarred the reputation of a lesser being, they slide off the big man's shoulders and add to the air of mystery the twinkle toed, lion-hunting DocStar.

So, when he's not out wooing the ladies, saving the lesser spotted Mac1 from fights and scoring doubles on (and off) the field where can this elusive figure be found? Right here at the Rockstar Journals ladies. Ready to answer all your questions with a gentle bedside manner and a soothing guitar solo.

He burst onto the scene 23 years ago to the day, and they say he has a grown a foot for each one. Personally I've only seen about 6'4" of those, but if you're a goof-lookin' broad, and up for a good time, I'm sure he'll show you the rest.

Welcome to the world DocStar.

Tribute to a rockstarlet...

Now I'm not big into woman's liberation, feminism or female rights but some members of the opposite sex deserve credit and I am one for giving credit where credit is due. Today is the 23rd birthday of a girl who is smart, beautiful and athletic. Being the girlfriend of a founder of the Rockstar Journals doesn't hurt either. Recently awarded a degree in actuarial science, she is by no means a geek and could on occasion be seen storming the dj box at caprice or corrupting other rockstars' girlfriends before moving to the greyer pastures of London Town. Cheers to the Lynnuar...

Hate mail 3...

William from the greatest club on earth... "I hate the sideline commentator. The guy who arrives and actively participates at every internal league rugby game irrespective of who is playing. He heckles the ref and shouts instructions to players like it was Rugby 2006 and his voice was the playstation control. Go wide, skip him, early ball, hold the line, look blind, hit him, ruck, fuck sakes man! Are you Bill Maclaren’s son? The thing I don’t understand is you shout instructions to both sides! Who are you? You are not a fan; otherwise you would be supporting only one team. You are certainly not a player, cause you wouldn’t be sideline in those siff snakeskin loafers, (Which aren’t very practical I might add, the sidelines are notoriously muddy so stop bitching; dressing like its Sunday night and you are going salsa dancing at Buena Vista is your own fault) and besides you can’t weigh more than 62kgs. If you are Graham Henry’s prodigy who is on an SA fact-finding mission in borrowed shoes I forgive you, but you’re not. You’re a friggan idiot who talks about rugby like he writes for the back page of the Cape Times and you need to be forcibly removed. Hell closes in 10 minutes, hurry you can still make it…"

[Not sure what you meant by greatest club on earth Will but loved the loafers bite! Oh and we know who you talking about, except if he is anyones son he is probably Huge Bladen's.]

What is this world coming too?

I had some free time to kill so I decided to spend it searching the internet for tasteful pictures of scantily clad women. Now hold on, don't assume this was for a sordid personal purpose, it had the altruistic purpose of finding a nice little angel to be our Monday girl for next week. You see my weekend is busy and I was thinking about you… (if you believed this excuse you are no better than JZ judge, cause its no better than, ‘she wanted it honour, look how she was dressed!’)

So I typed “hot new famous nude babe” into a very well respected search engine and I was happy to see I got 4526007 hits. (Apparently if I mention the sites name I could be held liable so it seems it would be google, sorry I mean frugal, to omit the name) How horrified was I when 4526006 of these were all of a totally sordid, disgusting, degrading, despicable depictions of what can only be described as the worst case of child pornography ever heard of. (the other picture was of this Albanian guy and a horse but lets not go there) I was horrified. You search for the softest of softcore tasteful entertainment of an adult nature and get this:

What is this world coming too? This from a tool that is meant to spread education to the entire world and revolutionize communication. Those dirty fuckers in Silicone valley should be ashamed…

I was expecting this: