Well, you know...

Read anything good lately?

Corny jokes...


Depending on what your funny bone is attached to you may find this hilarious, or just plain average. Just don´t forget vegetables are good for you...and apparently laughter is the best medicine. For what we are not to sure.

Monday Girl...

The prestige...

Blessing in Disguise ...

My uncle used to say that a blessing in disguise is not so much a blessing as a candy coated kick in the balls. At least, he would have said something like that if I'd grown up in Boston. With Matt Damon and Ben Affleck.

Mind you, here it kinda applies. Excpet you get all the candy, and I'll be taking the kick in the balls.

Like all rockstars, I'm readily aroused and never satisfied, so when I got invited to climb Everest (Mount Everest to ordinary folk) I jumped (at) the opportunity. Not wanting to miss too much of the Cape Town summer, however, I figured I'd just make it a quick jaunt arount Tibet, grant the Dalai Lama an audience and check out Base Camp. Any longer and the groupies might get restless. So as of Saturday, I'm going to be getting a routine kick in the balls from my custom built RX-7 mountain bike for a thousand or so kilometres and you'll be getting the candy.

Yes girls, it really is that big

Don't worry I'll bring you back something nice. A rock or something.

No, that's not a proposal girls. Get off the phone with your mum.

Spear...


Make as many javelin jokes as you want, I know you now regret not having watched the ladies event...

Yam-ming...

Today at 16h20 SA time, Usain Bolt will jog the 200m men´s final in an attempt to be the first dude since Carl Lewis in 1984 to win the sprint double. The kid turns 22 tomorrow and his brazen youthfulness runs riot when he performs on the world´s biggest sporting stage.

I´m yamming..!

Watching him run the semi-final yesterday was a joke. It made me admit that this guy should be tested. Not necessarily just for steroids but more importantly for human DNA. Can you be stripped off a medal for testing positive for extra-terrestrial origin?

His Dad attributes his pace to a diet of yams. By jupiter my fridge is now full of yams. If he breaks Johnson´s 19.32s just now, I am replacing my blood plasma with yam juice. His PB is 19.67.
He has also had an impact off the track, with his antics causing the comment of the Olympics: ´He is going to be in hot demand in the Olympic village tonight..!´

Lucky man...

Paris...



Only because we miss her...

In and around the pretty Republic...

These were worthy enough to bring to your attention...

Fur on the dashboard no longer in vogue..!

This dude in Durban has found a unique way to ensure no one breaks into his Audi TT. He has to get marks for creativity but when you read his name, choosing snakes to guard your car pale in significance to his name. Get this: The businessman is known as "3-cent Ohlangene".

This is pretty crazy. "An athlete from another country who sat next to Gerhard came to me afterwards and told me how shocked he was to see Gerhard openly celebrate the result with a big smile on his face". This was written by Roland Schoeman referring to Gerhard Zandberg the Captain of SA swimming after Schoeman placed 7th outside of the medals in his 50m freestyle final.

That is like Victor Matfield clapping if Puke Watson was beheaded by a Loo-auki swinging arm...actually it isn't similar in any shape or form.

This will just blow your mind:

A school boy stabbed a fellow pupil to death with a sword at the Nic Diederichs technical high school in Krugersdorp on Monday morning, Johannesburg police said.

The matriculant, wearing a black balaclava over a face smeared with black paint, entered the school premises with the sword and stabbed and killed a boy just before school assembly,

Krugersdorp councillor Alex Raubenheimer said school children on the scene told him the boy was high on drugs and was dressed like Joey Jordison, the drummer of the band Slipknot."He said Satan told him to kill the children," said Raubenheimer.

Are you kidding me? This sounds like a newspaper editor's sick attempt to get online hits. The story just evades all belief. Wow wee...

Made of fast...

We were have been saying it for months now but to sit down and watch Bolt perform this weekend has been something very special. The kid is a true Rockstar. Chilled, relaxed, jovial and so quiiiick its ridiculous. He destroyed his world record on Saturday but did so running for Olympic gold. The only thing he worried about was placing first, not his time...





One thing is for sure. When this guy settles down and decides to break his world record by perfecting his start, concentrating on himself and not glancing to the other lanes while he runs and then running all the way through the line, he will run an incredibly special time. Only one man will ever to be able to break that time, and that will be him...


Bolt first, daylight second and third, the man is made of fast...


And just to add some speculative spice. He is 21. Looking at home he runs, I reckon he'll clean up the 200m this week and possibly break Michael Johnson's record BUT I don't see why it isn't possible that in London 2012 he doesn't fetch the gold in the 100, 200 and 400m. His victory lap on Saturday was a sub 50 and he was carrying a flag and stopping for photos. Watch this space...

Great Monday...


Just great..!

Round 1:

For some reason supersport didn't show the first session of today's athletics but here we are:

Usain Bolt - 10:20s - No comment.

Asafa Powell - 10:16s - The former world record holder said he had suffered with stomach problems after his breakfast but was happy enough.

Tyson Gay - 10:22s - "It feels good," he said." "I felt a little sluggish but my body has woken up now."

AND, who who who are you? - Tyrone Edgar - 10:13s as the fastest runner from Heat 1.

The final is tomorrow at 16h30 SA time. Yes, that is during the rugby...

What we´re waiting for...

The Olympics so far has been sensational. I don´t actually think that, nor have any factual basis to prove that as I haven´t watched much yet. However, any event on the world stage that advocates good looks over other talents is my kind of sensational. Faster, higher, stronger...and better looking..!

Fat opera 6 year old singers aside, the Games are getting taken the fuck over my Phelps and his frictionless swimsuit. His name is in every headline, the only performance that will reach the news worthiness of Phelps gold string of medallions will be Roger Federer´s non-performance by getting asswhipped by James Blake. Until Saturday that is...


The Athletics kick off in the Bird nest tomorrow and the first hour of events include Round 1 of the men´s 100m. Oh fuck me this is going to be pretty. The men´s final is on Saturday...


This is what we´re waiting for...

Poverty doesn´t cause AIDS either...

For all Thabo Mbeki´s famous and infamous actions his legacy will never contain anything bar one particular statement he made. The magnitude of it was so controversial it will go down in SA history as the hallmark of his presidential tenure. He has para-quoted (like paraphrased but orally) as saying, ´HIV doesn´t cause AIDS, poverty and no education do!´

If you look at the issue of causality he isn´t a hundred percent incorrect, just taking a very ambition step toward generality. I am sure Edwin Cameron would argue that poverty and a lack of education didn´t contribute to his status. However, it is fair to admit that part of Mbeki´s remarks were correct.

New information has come to light disproving Mbeki´s claim.

Sam Kikine – head of the International Traditional and Medicine Research Council – at a KZN public hearing on legislation disbanding the Scorpions had this to say:

Why have the Scorpions not investigated Wouter Basson and the CIA, who have created this AIDS?

Let´s keep the Scorpions debacle and the Basson investigation aside as separate issues and rather focus on the submission that the CIA (that is short for the Central Intelligence Agency, as in the one from America) have created this AIDS?

THIS Aids? Give us our free? As if his organization the ITMRC isn´t enough of a linguistic conundrum he then rubs us up with a quote concerning THIS Aids. Well, strap me to an ambulance stretcher, take me to a state hospital, bind me in bedclothes and feed me garlic and African potato I have never heard such an outrageous unsubstantiated conspiracy theory in my life.

The CIA started Aids? I suppose they start Aids to confine Africa to 3^rd world debt, an international oil crisis to keep the middle East at war, hiphop to keep their local african american population from revolting and country western to keep the Rednecks from crossing the northern Louisianna border.

No doubt...

Monday Girls...

Our insightful overseas Rockstar readers are always so abreast of trends in current affairs, hence our direction for today obviously been Olympically orientated. People say 7s rugby and 20twenty cricket should be part of the 28 Olympic sports, but at the expense of what? I hope they don't intend to axe synchronised swimming.

Go Brazil.

Irony is the lowest form of humour...but its still funny..!

Andrea Pininfarina, head of the family company that designs cars for Ferrari, Fiat and Ford, has been killed in a road accident in Italy while riding his Vespa scooter.

For those of you who have had your brain beside you on a desk in a jar of formaldehyde you won't be privy to who the Pininfarina's are. Anyone who hasn't had a lobotomy will know they design some of the most beautiful, and subsequently most expensive, 'motor vehicles' in the world. I use the term motor vehicle with apprehension, the only manner they can be defined as being vehicles in is when they take you to heaven as a burning Nordic eulogy pyre.

Alanis Morisette used to be the linguistic queen of ironic prose with her catchy song lyric phrases and she emphatically entrenched her title when her boyfriend of many years dumped her for Scarlett Johansson. (if the irony is lost on you it is because Alanis is officially the worst looking female celebrity whereas Scarlett is in the top 3 on the other end of the scale) However, step aside Alanis, or just be joined on your regal throne by the king of irony, Andrea Pininfarina.


A designer of the most amazing cars, dies on a scooter!

I am not for a second advocating that it is cooler or more prestigious dying in a flaming Ferrari that you've smashed into a Mediterranean cliff face at 350km/hour than being sideswiped whilst doing 60km an hour somewhere north of Turin by a delivery van commuting Italian bread! But that doesn't change the fact that it is. Fact.

Ashrak strikes back...

I am not entirely sure whether I have mentioned this to you - I may have in passing - but I have definitely mentioned this to myself countless times. Cape Times rugby 'writer' Ashrak Mohamed is a fool! Not just your typical foolish man, but a full blown village idiot.

Third Force as he is affectionately known is celebrated for his subjetively, factless rugby journalism that makes a mockery of the your early morning sports read. His stupidity is so far fetched its actually funny. I think they should take his opinion column and place it between Calvin&Hobbes and Madam&Eve. Yes, thats it. In place of that weird slug and duck cartoon.

Injured: deeply hurt...

This mornings gem is about why he thinks PDV is a fool (so far correct, but why is where he loses sanity) for not letting Ryan Kankowski play against the Pumas on Saturday. Newspapers and the interweb have been reporting Kankowski's current injury layoff since Sunday.

Nice one Ash-fact.

And here is a picture of a fake Ronaldo just for fun...


And his ex-doll for more fun...

Rockstar Quote of the Moment ...

“Let us so live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.”

- Mark Twain

monDAY...

Own it.

No heading...


No words...

Seeking legal advice...?

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reebok's.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you kiddin' me?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh.... What do you think?

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Are you kiddin' me? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Guess.

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral?

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.