Protective clothing...

I can see this leading to all sorts of trouble for the Jacob Zumas of the world. "I don't know how I got Aids, she was wearing her condom dress."

The French Quarter...

In a bid to supply you with frontline reporting, I have managed to secure myself a ticket to South Africa's quarter final in Marseilles. Don't say I never did anything for you. We've got a tough weekend planned. Flying to Nice, visiting Monaco, party bus to the game and Monday off work. Lovely.

The view from our villa in Nice...

Despite a run in with a particularly rude French waiter recently, we have decided to have the French versions of our names printed on the back of our jerseys but will still be carrying some South African heritage with us in the form of a banner bearing the words "Wie's jou Papa?" Look out for us...

Cropdusting...

FHM Magazine featured an article in 2005 which listed and outlined the "100 Greatest Games of All Time." It was a very diverse list which included classics of our youth such as Uno and Monopoly; more recent favourites like Poker and coinage and then went on to baffle me with its inclusion of the self professed Rhodes originated "Goat" and "Cropdusting."

Hold onto your seats kids. Goat is an intricate game of skill which involves going out and pissing in your pants when someone says goat....Uh. Alright. I've heard of the one which involves having to lunge at whichever female you happen to be conversing with if someone says Macadamia nut but this is a new level. Macadamia nut carries the disobedience penalty of jeering from your mates and perhaps Goat carries the same. Ooooooh I think i'll take my chances thank you very much.

Cropdusting involves trying to rub Kroll the Warrior King (I know you've seen How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. A real man can admit that) on as many girls as you can in a club without being slapped. FHM has never claimed to be a high brow read but come on. Cropdusting was actually the inspiration for this article because if there is any doubt that London is being overrun by South Africans who think photocopying makes them bankers, Cropdusting is alive and well on the Underground.

Morning congestion forces people to cram into trains and today, as much as I'm trying to convince myself it was an umbrella, I think there was a knob on my knee (I'm tall). I can't wait until I get to sit in the back seat of my Bentley reading my paper rather than shoulder charging chavs out the way just so I can get a seat and avoid being indecently assaulted...

South Africa: Leading the world stage...

You have to be proud of our nation! We have this impressive reconciliation after one of history's worst oppressive regimes, we have Idols in its fourth season, we have competitive national sports teams and we have a Heritage Day that is eclipsed by a day dedicated to our famous traditional style of grilling meat outdoors, which also happens to be the only remaining legacy left by the previously mentioned oppressive government. It's great.

We also have great weather and belter chicks...

However, beyond all this we have another great south africanism. We have an amazing ability to make headlines. We dominate world press like Tiger Woods does sunday final rounds when in the lead. It must be admitted that I think the people are laughing at us rather than celebrating us...

Police Academy was a breeze..!

Take our Chief of Police for example, Jackie Selebi. He is a celebrated struggle hero that has the tough job of being head cop, he carries a pistol AND he is President of Interpol. That's right people, go check out www.interpol.int. Our man, Jack is the President of the World's Police force! Ie: Aliens hijack a shuttle, he arrests them... However, he also is rumoured to be heavily involved in SA's underground crime syndicates...



Meet Vusi Pikoli. An advocate that now heads up the National Prosecuting Authority. In other words the big dog that decides who should be prosecuted in this country. Rockstar...

Then we have our President, the quietly diplomatic Thabo Mbeki and our Minister of Justice and Constitutional Development, Bridget Mabandla. I am not sure exactly what she does (or him for that matter) but she does get a cavalcade of black BMWs with flashing blue lights which has to be the mainest job perk imaginable.

Now here is where this becomes international media. Old Vusi gets fired by Big boss Thabo for having an irretrievable breakdown in his working relationship with Bridget. It then becomes known that Vusi was actually on the verge of arresting bigman Jackie for his involvement in organised crime.

Speculate what you will but something is seriously amiss here...

If you're not first you're last...

I am steering far clear of predictions for this weekend as so far my judgments have been a tad off the pace but will give you a build up for how important this weekend is for the RWC and the possible permutations.

In all 4 Pools there are battles for who will take 2nd place. Originally the 2nd place spot (and place in the quarters) was taken for granted but we have had some interesting pool performances that has opened the door for contention.


Pool A: Tonga could make the biggest RWC upset in history and oust the incumbent William Webb Ellis holders out of the play offs. Both sides sit on 9 points from 3 games. The winner goes through. If it is a draw, Tonga go through, unless England score 4 tries and Tonga don't. Very interesting. And after watching how inept England has been and how Tonga can push you to the line (ahem, the boks) it could be one for the history books.

Pool B: This was meant to be set in stone but people are tipping big underdogs Fiji to upset Wales. It is a moot point as the winner plays the Boks in the quarters but both sit on 10 points so again winner takes all, and Wales take the draw. It is highly unlikely but Fiji can score tries, making it worth a watch.

Pool C: No one really cares but Scotland and Italy show down to take 2nd spot in the pool and the honour of playing Australia. These sides are 6nations wooden spoon rivals but Italy have gotten the upper hand of late, but Scotland have been stronger in the pools and the Azzurri will be without captain Bortolumi. Expect the Scottish to triumph or fall on their own broad sword.


Pool D: Oi halo. This is where it gets complicated. After 3 games Argentina are on 14, France are on 10 and Ireland are on 9. But France play Georgia so make that 15 after 4.
Hence; (1) if Argentina win, they go through 1 and France go through 2.
(2) if Argentina lose with a bonus point, they tie with France on 15 so it will go to points difference and France will be way ahead after clubbing Georgia, so F1 and A2.
(3) if Argentina lose sans bonus point and Ireland don't get one either. F1 and A2.
(4) if Argentina lose sans bp, but Ireland get one it goes to PD, but Argentina is already 64 ahead so Ireland would have to beat them by that to end. F1 and I2.

This is all premised on France winning with a bonus. Of course the repercussion is 1 plays the winner of Scotland/Italy (and will meet SA in the semis) whereas 2 plays the All Blacks in the quarters, and then Australia in the semis.

Hence, the tournament turns on this, the last game of the pool matches. Heavy stuff..!

Friday Girl...


We have been bad haven't we? Well so has she, deal with it...

My blood is blue...


Probably got about as much chance as WP do in winning the Currie Cup but it might be worth your while to hang around upper Kloof street. Althought when Italy play Scotland in the crunch decider for the silver place in Pool C when they meet on saturday the place will be overflowing with hot italian ass.

Nothing gets girls as inhibition free as when they have a shot of grappa every time the comment mispronounces Bergamasco...

Sucker...


Ha!

Monday 404



What is small blonde and fierce? And probably drives a silver opel...

Duck and Cougar Mascot Beatdown

In the wild, ducks don't often go one up on cougars. Luckily for duck-kind they have the Oregon Ducks mascot to look out for them.

Make sure you watch out for the part where the Duck literally 'facefucks' the cougar.

It's too much. Really.

Quote competition


Guess the rockstar that uttered this truism recently:

"I hope the game doesn't lose aggression because then I'll stop playing it," he said.

Straight from the horses mouth! Guess the man, and you could get an invite to the increasingly famous 'bring your own topping pizza evening' to be held concurrently with the screening of the Springbok v England game at the Largo Road house of hedonism.


This may be a tad tricky so I will give you a clue. This man is more dangerous in the collision than Nic WA at a Pink concert...

PS: And just for the sake of clarity here is IRB Law 10.4 section (e) that refers to foul play specifically at a tackle. Please try count how many of the parts to 10.4(e) that Burger infringed! Oh, wait he infringed all of them...

"10.4(e):
- Dangerous tackling. A player must not tackle an opponent early, late or dangerously.
- A player must not tackle (or try to tackle) an opponent above the
line of the shoulders. A tackle around the opponent’s neck or head is dangerous play.
- A ‘stiff-arm tackle’ is dangerous play. A player makes a stiff-arm tackle when using a stiff-arm to strike an opponent.
- A player must not tackle an opponent whose feet are off the ground."

If you're still adamant Burger didn't deserve to be cited please admit you're seeing the game through a green lens..!

And in other news...


I have been touting a 200 point winning margin between the All Blacks and Portugal on Saturday! Many people have scoffed at the idea but think again.

"Rawsonville 100 - Tries: Kat Myburgh (4), Alwyn Hugo (2), Francois Januarie, Johnathan Schalkwyk (3), Ricardo Jones, Whalied Heyens, Johan Botha, Raven Lotter (3). Conversions: Ricardo Jones (10)
Wanderers 0
• Match stopped at half-time"

I know this was at Club Champs and not the RWC but it is possible. 16 tries and 10 conversions before half time. The only thing is Nick Evans is a better kicker than Ricardo Jones so it might be 112 at half time... Oh god...

Rugby World Cup Hype...

I love how things like this appear in response to world media events.

And in other news, George Gregan was arrested by French special forces:

Rockstar Photo Momemt: 2

Want to know what it looks like to be a rockstar? A picture can say 1000 words, but so can results. However no amount of time spent looking at results or photos can do justice to how main these guys are.

Are we happy ? You bet your fuckin life we are..!!! Ahroo.

Any Given Monday ...

For those of you with any more than a passing interest, you'll have noticed that the NFL 2007/2008 season kicked off this weekend. Obviously RWC '07 is going to take priority for the next couple of weeks, but hey, the more the better.

Oh, and RWC doesn't have Becca. Who just happens to support Rockstar's choice for this year's NFL champs. The Dallas Cowboys - who're packing both Tony Romo (back with a vengeance: 4 TD's thrown and one scored this weekend) and Terell Owens (87 yards and 2 TD's). Bring it on.

South African Braai Etiquette

I actually heard about this a while ago and just never got around to having a look at it. Now, that I have, I can't remember what kept me for so long. It's brilliant, and it's especially poignant if you've been toughing it out in the London 'summer'. Enjoy, and oh, I wouldn't bother showing this to any women. They wouldn't understand.

M O another O doodlie Y..!

I heard this on 5fm yesterday and it was funny enough to repeat.

Naidoo Senior: Hey son, I have the perfect girl for you to marry!

Naidoo Junior: No man uncle, I want to marry that hot Indian volleyball player!

Naidoo Senior: Relax son, she is Bill Gate's daughter!

Naidoo Junior: Okay, I am in...

Naidoo Senior: Hey Bill, your daughter must marry my son, eh?

Bill Gates: Are you joking? She is only 17 and can choose who ever she wants!

Naidoo Senior: But check this hey. My son eh! He is vice president of the World Bank!

Bill Gates: Really? Done. It's arranged.

Naidoo Senior: Hey Robbie man, I have someone you should make VP at your Bank!

Robert B Zoellick: I have 26 Vice-Presidents! Why do I need another..?

Naidoo Senior: Cause this larnie, is Bill Gates' son-in-law...!

Robert B Z: Done. He starts tomorrow...

3rd Generation...




This is so awesome it warranted a plug. Smaller and bigger. The new Ipod Nano with Video. It comes in 4GB and 8GB. That is crazy...

Slow Ball: At the Break down or end of the over?

Please can someone explain this to me otherwise I think I might be retarded, alternatively someone else is retarded...and since we all know I am not, that someone else definitely is..! Who is that someone?

Please tell me if there has ever been an Olympic Games during Soccer World Cup? IRB 7s during World Cup Cricket? Miss Tiger Tiger during Miss Clifton Summer? The short answer is no.


Then why is the inaugural Twenty20 World Cup Cricket (11th-24th September) during the IRB Rugby World Cup 07 (7th September - 20 October)? Obviously it won't impact audience attendance the games but still. And the cricket is being held in SA during Spring.

Imagine sitting in the Cape Town summer sunset at Sahara Park watching SA take on Aussie at Twenty20, ice cold draught in hand, thick cut karoo biltong in the other reminiscing about Dan Carter's excellent solo try to clinch the RWC! Imagine...

Lesbians ...

As contributing editor of the Journals, I tend to do more editing than contributing. And quite frankly, very little of both at times. Take for instance, right now. I should probably be regaling you with tales of the very recently attended Full Moon Party on Koh Phangan island which may well be one of the most commercially successful drug binges in the world. I can't of course, because I don't remember anything. Yet ... but I'm sure it'll come back to me.

What I am going to do is run you through a quick argument I've been having with myself lately. namely lesbians. Incidentally, I won the argument.

Now the argument runs as follows, non-lesbian females are attracted to me. I mean, attracted to men. Ergo, by definition, lesbians are attracted to women. I think our Monday Girls have probably given you some idea as to why certain women swing this way. Hell, if the criteria for being a lesbian is liking women, I'm the biggest damn one.

So point 1. Lesbians like women. Can't go wrong there. There is a certain appeal. Namely T&A. And personality, of course. Please examine exhibit number 1.


Aha, but I hear you cry - you're wrong the Whip. You're wrong because the only lesbians I see look like mechanics, plumbers and other tradesmen types so masculine they make my balls crawl up inside of me. This is however, the crux of the argument. By definition, lesbians like women. They like the womanly things about women. They do not like men (unfortunately, less for me and you)

Women who date 'women' who look more like men than any man has a right to, are dykes. Not that that's a bad thing. They happen to have a annual NYC Dyke March. Just a matter of definition. So next you throw the word lesbian around, do it with a bit of care lads. Words hurt. And who would ever want to hurt Marrissa Cooper's feelings?



DISCLAIMER: This article is fully intended as a joke. I offer my sincere apologies should you take any offense and suggest, respectfully, that you probably shouldn't be reading this website. My representative can be reached for comment on the above supplied email address

All the Best...



Springtime is meant to bring with it a revolutionary change. Spring hasn't disappointed...

The new Engen in Claremont might just become the 'sitcom' set for just about anything from 'How I met your Mother!', to 'Heroes', to 'Fight Club', to 'Friends' and eventually even to 'Prison Break III'! Caprice's face lift is subtle but very effective. We snuck over on Sunday just to make sure everything was fine, and it certainly is.

But spring has brought us something else. The IRB Rugby World Cup 2007! Technically however, Autumn is bringing it to us so I'll quit the spring references. Summer references are fine though...


So here we go. What may or may not happen at the RWC07!

I support the All Blacks, France are at home, there has never been a better prepared Springbok side, the Aussies are BMT knock-out specialist...and no one else is even threatening. One of these four sides will win it, although if we get an upset, not all may reach the Semis.

Pool A: Springboks, England, Samoa, Tonga & the USA

The Boks will clean up this pool. England have a forward pack but not one that would dominate SA. Johnny Wilkinson can be on fire but without a pack he will have to keep his fire to defence. The Boks under any other coach would stand a chance of handing the pool to England but not under White. Samoa and Tonga will just be there to hand out big late hits and probably cause a few injuries but nothing more. The Eagles will give a Tonga a run but take runs from the rest.

Headline game: SA v England 14th September 9pm.

Pool B: Australia, Wales, Canada, Fiji & Japan

Wales have showed pre-season that they aren't the RWC force they were in 2003 and were aiming to be. There old dangerous attack is no where and at best they are an average 2nd tier nation. They do however play Australia at home in Cardiff! Canada, Fiji and Japan should have fun amongst themselves.

Headline game: Australia v Wales 15th September 3pm.

Pool C: All Blacks, Italy, Scotland, Romania & Portugal

The All Blacks won't be tested in the Pool stages. Hence, they will go into the knock-out stages, fresh but without hardship, which can be fatal. They won't concede a try in the pool stages as, besides Portugal, none of the other sides even have the pace to score an intercept. Italy play Scotland to see who goes through in 2nd.

Headline games: Italy v Scotland 29th September 9pm. And the All Blacks v Portugal 15th September 1pm. They might score 200.

Pool of Death: France, Argentina, Ireland, Georgia & Namibia

This is where the pool stages will be interesting. I reckon, France will beat Argentina, Argentina will beat Ireland and Ireland could beat France. Some one isn't going through a it looks like Ireland. However, Ireland and Argentina are just fighting to see who plays the All Blacks. It makes it a moot point.

Headline games: France v Argentina 7th 9pm; France v Ireland 21st 9pm; Argentina v Ireland 30th 5pm.

The quarters: 6-7th October.

If SA beat England they go and play Wales, where as England play Australia.

The All Blacks will play the winner of Argentina v Ireland, and France will then play Italy assuming they beat Scotland.

SA will pump Wales. Australia will have a tough job beating the English tight-five and Johnny's boot should be on song. The All Blacks will struggle without having any pool stage momentum, and France will cream Italy.

Semis: 13-14th October

Anything can happen!

SA v France, All Blacks v Australia.

Final: 20th October.

France v All Blacks, SA v All Blacks, France v Australia, SA v Australia. This is my probability order.

Monday 2 Ball...


Just because we're feeling sporty this week!