Was your day tough...?


So if you think you had a hard day, try think about old Bobby here. He spends his day on his knuckles and then gets ejected at halftime from his High School football game cause the officials ruled he wasn't wearing the necessary regulation knee and thigh guard equipment. They cited his safety as their primary concern.

"Good one Mr Ref (aka you fat striped prick) very thoughtful of you to look after the safety of my thigh muscles, can I just point out I don't have any friggan legs???"

Rockstar of the Moment ...

The oddly named Kenrick Brown scoops this week's award for his outstanding dedication and commitment. Described as ' the fittest man in Western Cape rugby' and self-described as 'the best looking man in Western Cape rugby' Kenrick's hard work paid off when he found himself picked out of the relative obscurity of UCT 3rd XV to represent the 1sts. Just desserts for the guy who only refers to summer as 'the off-season'.

"Kenrick Brown will play 'rep rugby' if he puts on 15-30kg"
- Alan Solomons

Instrumental in this week's triumph over Maties and this season's 8 and 0 run, Kenrick definitely deserves the title rockstar, irrespective of what those many broken-hearted females (whose names start with an A) out there might say.

Kenrick, this week there's a chicken burger on us. Provided you can figure out how to print out this nifty little voucher (should be no problem for someone with your experience in INF102S).

Lose Lose Sex Situation...

My mate Joey says this happened to him but he might have just got it by email…

He was in bed with his girlfriend and things get steamy, then she stops it all of a sardine and says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
Joey said "Sorry??!! What are you on about?!"
So she answers in true chick style... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She followed that up by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, he went to sleep.

The next day he took the day off work to spend some QT with her. They went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. He walked around with her while she tried on numerous very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so he told her we'd just get them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so he said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. She must have thought he was one wave short of a shipwreck. She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." He replied, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?"
He replied, "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill him, he added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

I don’t think he’ll get sex tonight either…

Changing the World: One Step at a Time…

Here at The Rockstar Journals we realize two things. 1: We know we are better than anyone who cannot sport the rockstar cloak as we do, (they used to be capes but we looked like batman…not that batman isn’t a rockstar but anyway) and 2: that it would seem unfair of us not to give those of you non-RS pointers so you can either make necessary life adjustments or just feel killer pathetic cause the task of making those adjustments is insurmountable.

However it seems we are being successful…

Yes fans, that’s correct! Not only are we brilliant at, inter alia, our sneaky yet effective use of ellipses… but we also get people to make changes that affect their lives. One of our valued readers, who is obviously blessed with more free time than ourselves, brought this interesting news to our attention.

Cast your mind to a posting awhile back concerning the incredibly stupid Dutch-settler name of a potential Idols III contestant. Remember then how pretty 17 yrs Vero-NEEK was cast from the Idols race? Well the pretty little poppie has had a makeover and is back in full force. Turns out she dropped the hideously maties-esque prefix (no doubt thanks to our article) to her perfectly good Anglo name and got a second bite at the Idols apple by getting re-selected in the repecharge stage to make it back into the Top 12.


Thank the Rockstars for bringing back the new and improved Nicky le Grange (I know but we can change that through marriage…) and her gorgeous rack back to our Sunday screens. Unfortunately she still looks like a bonehead with all the make up. Thanks again, to our Anonymous reader for bringing this to our attention, must buy you a beer when you get down here…

Great News… Anchor

A couple of months ago while blogging my little rockstar heart out I fell in love with a little french news anchor babe that did more for my little (everything is little today) soft spot than J.R. Tolkien did for Peter Jackson’s not-so-little livelihood. (except this - a blockbuster trilogy has an effect on your bank balance that is by no means little)

The powers that be have once again smiled on us rockstars and created her a website. I allow you to look but if you look in a manner that displeases me in even the slightest way I’ll end you…

Wedding invites will be available shortly after I organize a trip to France…maybe RWC2007. Kim Smith is going to be gutted...

www.theuriau.com - wow!

RSLJ: Article 3 How not to be a rockstar.

You’re only lying to yourself…

I’m a real man 'cause I drink a fuck load, I spend this much cash each night, I drive lank quickly and my golf handicap is in single digits!

There are many traits that separate rockstars from those other exceptionally un-rockstarish people out there but none more so than the virtue of honesty. Rockstars don’t feel the need to pretend to be something they’re not, they don't need to lie about who they are, or where they've come from (I think I feel a song coming on). Non-rockstars tend to do more pretending than Bangladesh does as a Test cricketing nations.

You can easily spot these 'quote machines'. They’re the one sporting the vest and the sideways trucker ‘quoting’ to some doll about how much of this they did or how hectic they are at that. Interestingly enough, this self-same technique is used to garner the affections of the opposite sex. They create these ‘amazing’ fabricated tales with more spice than a 17th century Dutch merchant trading vessel and relate them to any unsuspecting female while leaning against a bar counter and pensively staring off into the distance.

------------------------------------Quote Machines: Brainless

But, they're not only lying to the naïve chick at the bar, they're lying to themselves. They quote with such conviction that it seems they actually believe it themselves. Clearly they consider themselves inherently so worthless that they need to fabricate this alter ego of a harder-core image and masquerade as that instead. (This, of course, only goes to show that they were right all along.)

Now, I do not assume to have the authority to claim I understand the intricacies of the female mind, nor what they want from guys! But, do they want the guy who ‘got fucked drinking tequila through a straw all night; ended up staying so late he was the last to leave; got into a street fight with 15 guys from which he escaped without a scratch; drove himself home; managed to lie (very convincingly - obviously) his way through two road blocks; had an hour's sleep; woke up and had a beer for breakfast?'

Let's be perfectly honest. If you feel you have to engineer a character in order for a girl to like you, then is she really the type of girl who’s affection you so badly need? Surely if you have to lie to get something its not worth the getting? And if you have to lie to be liked you’re not worth liking. But, and we'll give you this - you're doing a damn fine impression of how not to be a rockstar.

No accident…

The other day whilst sitting at a red robot the car behind me rolls forwards into my rear bumper. [Need I mention it was a female driver? Giving them the vote was our first mistake. Look where that got us - now our roads are no longer safe. But I digress]

I got out to survey the damage (virtually non-existent) and ‘oh my, stop the show’ the offending driver was an absolute belter. Being no school-boy at such rare opportunities (rarer for non-rockstars, I bet) I jumped at the opportunity to exchange particulars, just in case she wanted me to return the favour and bump her rear end. (returning a favour is chivalrous…)

Anyway, I managed to lose her number and her insurance details and only salvaged a copy of her drivers license from the incident. I was hoping any of you who know Janice could forward me her number again.


Much appreciated.

UCT RFC hosts Maties…

This weekend at the Greenmile of Groote Schuur sees the ultimate fixture on this seasons rugby list for many and the line-up of matches is so impressive it will water the mouth of any rugby enthusiast.

Marching Bands: Talented

The main game is UCT 1st XV hosting their traditional rivals from the other side of the Boerewors curtain at 4pm. UCT is yet to be beaten this half of the season, or since the Alan Solomon’s ‘whatever it takes campaign’ while Maties are fresh off their victory at club champs last naweek.

However the rest of the highlites include Martin Bey’s mighty UCT Eagles (aka the 2nd team) who have already secured the league title plus the two internal league finals, dancing girls, marching bands and enough short skirt to water the mouth of any lady enthusiast.

See you on the mile…

Motman is my Hero...

This weirdly named fellow has opened a little window in my life and the warm ray of sunshine that is Kim Smith is now shining brightly through it...


The guy, who's pseudonym inexplicably links him to the female sex in a 'weird' way, was spot on with his info about Kim Smith being the same doll that rocked the boat of many a man in her Van Wilder cameo. It is Kim Smith and I just, again, want to thank him for bringing Kim Smith to the attention of us rockstars here so we can share the Kim Smith phenomenon with the rest of the world... Kim Smith, Kim Smith, Kim Smith....

Have a Kim Smith day, and if you're lucky a Kim Smith night...

Found Cat Day Count: Day 1

So the princess returned today. She is such a ‘showstopper’, she even managed to keep her ladylike poise while being frogmarched into the apartment by the police although sans those mencacing paw-cuffs.


I sat her down and had a long talk about the whole event and sorted everything out. It was all her doing, she was running away in an attempt to regain my attention that apparently had been lacking of late. She was the one who sent in all the hoax pictures and the doctored ransom note. She was trying to lead us off her trail...

She is home safe now but again I reiterate how deeply in gratitude I am for all your support throughout the entire saga.

The mother of...

So necessity is rumoured to be the mother of all inventions. Fair enough, but the adage doesnt end here. Its seems that invention can also be the mother of all indirect quotes...


Dubbed the 'Liquorlock' this nifty little invention is the brainchild of some 'serious' drinker who is, obviously, of the impression that his tipple is so damn important to him that he needs to secure it in his fridge. However the quotes dont end there! These three beauties were actually posted as comments on the page revealing this flava-safe prototype:

- "it'll work until I want the booze so bad I'll just break the neck off" [wow]

- "Whats the point if the bottle is empty?" [double wow]

-"I'll be so hammered I wont remember the code..." [okay stop now]

Candid Camera ...



An outtake of the alleged video of Diego. Looks like he's getting catatonic. Get it? CATatonic.
Okay. Sorry. I couldn't help myself. Good to know he's on his way back though.

Fresh Meat ..

Sorry about the title of this post. It might be mildly inappropriate. It might not. Who am I to judge? In fact, who are you to judge me?

Anyway, on Friday Wonderbra (bless their souls) announced the new face and breasts of Wonderbra. Drum rolll, please ... Lieschen Botes. Not an unknown by any means, having appeared in SASI Swimwear Edition [pictures courtesy of] , but certainly easy on the eyes. So out with the old, and in with the new. Let us know what you think.

__________ The Old _________________________ The New_____________

Take a long walk, off a very high Cliff ...

I'm sure of it now. I've always known, but now I have proof. Gareth Cliff is an idiot. Now, this is probably no surprise to the majority of you, but just to hammer the point home, I'd like to draw your attention to the October interview with the Cliff in FHM. To avoid accusations of plagiarism (which seem to be flying thick and fast lately) I'm just going to paraphrase. Note, however, that I am not - in any way - exaggerating. He really said this.

When asked what his drug (read alcoholic beverage) of choice was, the Cliff responded that it was without doubt, tequila. The reason? The square bottle means that it doesn't roll away from him when he passes out. Furthermore, he used to drink water, but it has just begun to taste like weak tequila. Honestly. Who says this kind of thing? Where are we - in a public junior school in the south of Joburg? Who tries to impress people by bragging about how much they drink? [Although this quote does confirm the findings of renowned celebrity-baiter, Mac1.]

I'm going to break with tradition here and not post a picture, just on the offchance that people start associating the Cliff with the RSJ. In fact, I vow to never again write about him. Unless he does something even more monumentally stupid. So, maybe.

Lost Cat Day Count: Day 9 – Eureka

The feeling of loss and regret is being replaced by elation and hope! The Cape Times reported this morning that the ongoing lost Diego saga has taken a turn for the positive and that the nation wide search is close to coming to an end.

In a strange twist of events the AWOL feline has been caught on camera (this time for real) drawing an undisclosed amount from a 'borrowed' credit card at the ATM outside a strip club in the popular Pat Pong district on lower Silom road in Bangkok. [no presumptions are been made linking the money with the club]


Interpol, along with Thai police, say they have apprehended the absconded pet and are having it deported on charges of credit fraud, along with unconfirmed charges of possession of banned substances, indecent exposure and resisting arrest. [the Bangkok Post rumoured the substance to have been an anabolic steriod]

Diego’s coming hope.

Found Her....


I know who Kim Smith is, and I know what the gorgeous little showstopper playing the cameo in Van Wilder looks like but I hadn't made the connection. Thankfully one of our readers (self named Motman) is the type of guy who is very knowledgeable in the sphere of life that concerns such pretty angels. We are now going to e-stalk her and bring you all the necessary info... The things we do for you.

Kim Smith you belter....

Rockstar of the Moment ...

Against all odds, and despite his critics, that institution of UCT, Andrew Thurston Button has secured a landslide victory in his bid to be given the opportunity to provide staplers to all students, through a position on the UCT Student Representative Council. While the final results are not yet in, it understood that Button beat off some pretty intense competition - garnering more votes than the ANC Youth League Chairman.

Just goes to show what a rockstar can do when he puts his mind to it.
Read more about it here.

UPDATE: Final results 1. Some other guy - 2200 votes
2. Andrew Button - 2145 votes

Lost Cat Day Count: Day 8

Nothing, sweet, nothing. Thought I heard a meow last night while I was drifting to sleep. Turned out to be cockroach the size of a rat. (it was big enough to meow, mind you it could have been a rat)

I just want to take this lull in my quest to 'find my cat' to thank the public and you the reader for all your overwhelming help, support and empathy so far. (and to guilt trip those who havent) Some people are so nice. Who said altruism is overrated? Although I just want to dispell any rumours now as I am getting too many pictures from people asking if the cat shown is mine. So I just want to say my cat does not look like this:

We all aspire to be famous...

One of the biggest perks of being a rockstar is that you're famous and everyone knows who you are or has heard about you. The problem with fame (besides getting inundated by advances of less than appealing females) is that you have no control over your posthumous famousness...

Control of fame is super important. If you let your brand build too much you are left with something that can potentially get out of your control and that can get ugly. However some of us are just unsuited to posthumous fame. Take Jim Cummings for example. Nice guy, did wonders of the community so they build a community hall in honour of him... Nice right? Wrong!!!

Sex with an older woman???


Apparently its meant to be great and you'll learn so much but the question is where do you draw the line? Van Wilder's dean or Stifflers mom...

Public Transport, Public People…

A mate of mine caught a train the other day. (yes he’s quick) Anyway he snapped a shot of a sign on board. I found it hilarious and worthy of being shared. However my mirth doesn’t stem from the content of the sign alone, but on the fact (or maybe coincidence) that when I phoned Metrorail and enquired about the sign they stated that it is only to be found on trains that travel to and from Fishhoek…


Why are we not surprised!!! Actually the use of 'ladies' suprises me but then I guess a 10 letter word wouldn't fit...

Lost Cat Day Count: Day 7

It’s been a week now. How long can a cat last without the necessary sustenance that it’s owners so lovingly provides? I really thought the weekend would give me a decent enough break in my busy schedule to look for the bleedin thing beyond the boundaries of my palatial estate! It turned out to be too sunny and I had to take my mates to the beach. The beach wasn’t the same without Diego, I had no one to return my glorious beach bat forehands...

We have had two break throughs! The latter far more important, I think. The first was the photo of the peanut butter jar, which was obviously the perpetrators of this ghastly pet hijacking taking the piss by rubbing in the pain of losing one’s feline companion. Or was it?


The lovely people at Caprice sent this in. It’s from the CCTV security cameras installed above their premises. It was taken on the day Diego disappeared. From what it seems the poor little thing strayed down to the Camps Bay strip for a dip in the Atlantic and was heading for sundowners at Caprice when an unknown man in a bird suit (clever) abducted her…

I am confused between believing the kidnappers jestful condiment jar jab or giving up hope that the end has come and so must the tears. I think I need professional help!!! Does anyone have the number of an ace pet detective?

Oh The Horror ...

Sent in today, as a purported clue to the mystery of the missing feline.

Who is this evil? Will the madness stop? What day is it?

Note that it's crunchy.

Summer Panic ...

As we are confronted by a new season, full of flowers, allergens and the awakening of hibernating bears, some among us are confronted by another, more terrifying phenomenen - summer panic. While you may not recognise the term, the concept will be nothing new to you. Living by the sea has it's advantages, girls in bikinis, sunsets, cocktails at the ocean, fed to you in girls in bikinis while overlooking the sunset - the list goes on and on.





Bears: Terrifing





For those of you, and we're talking to mainly to guys here (but I guess also to hairy, muscular dykes who workout) living by the ocean during the summer also involves realising that pretty soon there's going to be beach weather - which involves strangely, going to the beach. Now, not everyone suffers from summer panic (certainly girls do, but I really don't have time to delve into the neuroses of your average female - unless she's blonde, gorgeous and enjoys me delving), however, the category which we mention here are those guys who figure that there best chance at having a half decent summer is looking, well, half decent.

Unlike the rockstar, who knows he can do what he wants and get away with it, the summer panic victim cares intensely about what people think about him. Ergo, one, maybe two months tops before the onset of summer this skinny redhead will be seen heading for the nearest Virgin (active). Working on the principle that bigger is better, he will be seen swinging steel of such weight that the aforementioned bear would struggle to move.

Now, the only real danger that our summer panic victim poses (aside from possibly stunting his own growth) is that should you see him, red of face and hair, attempting to double his size, get ripped, and grow a tan in 3 minutes flat you could, quite literally, kill yourself laughing. (Seriously, I've seen it happen folks. It's not funny. Not that funny, anyway.) Just, on the off chance he manages to lift the 400pound dumbell in front of him, stand back. It's going to get messy.

Q: What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion????

A: An ass that will make you eyes water...!

[sent in by the dukes]

LOST CAT COUNT: Day 4

I blame technology! The Scorpions are still busy with the ransom note! They reckon it’s pretty well crafted but find it strange that a follow up one hasn’t arrived. I think I should check my postbox again. They’ve sent it off to some guy Horatio in Miami for closer scrutiny. [the one posted on this site isn’t the original]

I figured the thing couldn’t have left because of me, I gave it everything. That is the problem. I lavished it with all the latest and coolest gadgets and paraphernalia from tech magazines and that cool GuyList insert from menshealth. I blame technology. I blame the blackberry I got it when it caught its first pigeon. I blame the PSP I got it when it caught its first Gardens rat last week. (it was the size of a capybara so I figured it needed a big reward)

Pavlov was right, but since Diego can check its email everywhere and play San Andreas on the move - it’s gone - maybe I should try call it on its blackberry?

Province v Bulls:


Its no accident that this clash is going to spin out of control. I suggest you all speed down to Newlands, have a few beers and watch the Bulls attack crash it up against Province's concrete wall of a defence...

Have a party but remember arrive alive...

LOST CAT DAY COUNT: DAY 3

Had a break from work and nothing else to sustain my attention so I began the search! I left the apartment with every intention of finding the thing. I got as far as the postbox! I had mail. It was addressed to ‘The Rockstar Journals” and had no sending address (they’re sharp) so I went back to the apartment to read it.

It was a ransom note. ‘They’ claim to have Diego. Interesting cause that is a pet name (yes) and know one really knows we use it except the readers of this website. As you read this Scorpions are verifying the note. It might be fake. It might be a prank. Nothing is usual. You readers are now suspects…my cat could be behind bars...

I blame myself…

A: "Red Cups", why else???

The temptation of studying abroad, especially in the USA, has been heavily romanticized by debauched depictions of house parties, beer kegs, naked girls in whipped cream, stripping teachers, football derbies and Burger King, in the hilarious genre of entertaining movies that can only be described as ‘kick-ass college PR flicks’!

All of these R12 discovery specials, complete with their killer sound tracks, purport this promised land of fraternity utopia that make our demur tertiary educational experience rather banal. Our chicken burgers are amazing but compare them to THAT girl’s bum in Van Wilder (Tara’s digs mate that’s working on the laptop when Van phones!!!) and its chalk and cheese…
[I vote myself to find out who she is]

At some stage we have all had the impulse to write SATs and get placement at a State University, possibly even an Ivy League one, to get a rad degree in something that will sound incredibly cool on a CV or just dabble in a bit of everything. Some of us just want to see if we could play quarterback and go All State or play College golf and maybe get scouted for the PGA.

The real reasons why we want to study abroad? Those friggan cool red cups they drink beer from at house parties. Not only are they the perfect ‘beer-pong’ cups but they also attract those insanely gorgeous, leggy (plus booby and bummy) wild college girls that are so open to crazy sexual experimentation that they make our res 1st years look like frigid porkswords. (and that’s including those slutty looking Carinus ones…)

I figure if the ‘sherminator’ can get action from that foreign doll then anything is possible… maybe even Number 1!

We are taking you as close to the ‘red cup’ real world as possible. Collegehumor.com is running a competition for the hottest college girl of 2005! And you are going to get step-by-step coverage right here… (or right there if you choose)


The winner gets a modeling contract and the option of a South African rockstar boyfriend…(maybe we should get that a compulsory thing!)

Breaking News ...
received by the rockstar journals today - it appears diego may have been taken. We're waiting for proof of life.

LOST CAT DAY COUNT: Day 2

I woke up this morning expecting the little focker to be there all cute and cuddly at the foot of my bed gleefully ripping into my puma trainers as per usual. Usual is still far away. The apartment is empty without the thing.

I’ve been thinking why it would leave? I know with Trinations and the Ashes being over and with F1 been a farce this season there is little of entertainment value coming from dstv but why didn’t it just switch to MTV or FTV like it usually does? Where did usual go? Maybe I have been a bad cat owner? Maybe I should have bought it it’s own remote like it requested instead of that damned Ipod shuffle…!

Work is hectic so I’ll start actually looking for it tomorrow! At least I have an opportunity to chat up the leggy blonde girl that has moved in upstairs. ‘Sorry, I know you are new here but have you seen Diego?’ – not the best line but it might show that I’m sensitive. White lies are fine hey???

NEWS BULLETIN: Rockstar on the road to recovery...

After a few worries that he wouldn’t play again this year or even possibly be out for the 6 Nations it has been said that the biggest (arguably, but definitely one of the biggest) Rockstars will be sporting his national strip when Wales play the mighty (can't argue with that) All Blacks on the 5th November 2005.

After injuring his groin, when girlfriend Charlotte Church visited him, whilst in New Zealand for the Lions Tour 2005 rockstar Gavin Henson has been a shadow of the player he is. The guy is set for greatness and with the ethic that has been cultivated in the Welsh set up it looks like he will achieve it…

In an interview with this blogspot, that we didn’t manage to get but fabricated for your rockstar viewing pleasure, Gavin said that, ‘ I just want to get stuck into my girlfriend and rugby again…!’ It just shows that even rockstars can go out with fat chicks…

Theory of Relativity:

So that Einstein oke definitely wasn't missing any of his marbles and came up with some pretty killer ideas and theories. He did die though so he was only human. However he has achieved a level of rockstarism by perpetuating his success and fame posthumously. When I die I also want to be depicted on posters of every write-off teenagers wall with an E table on my tongue with my goofy hair as a backdrop. ..

Anyway how true is his theory of relativity? How difficult is it to grasp though? My understanding, or how at least we are use it in everyday life, goes something like this...

Laymans Thoery of Relativity: "The smaller Apple can make an Ipod the bigger apple-sporting hot girls will think my manliness is when they hold it in their hands..."

I think its great, and I love the Ipod NANO. Bring on the MILI......

Lost Cat Day Count: Day 1

Attention all you caring deep hearted people out there. I know there are important struggles around the world, like people without houses in flooded cities, like people with dumb presidents who are without houses in flooded cities, like people dying of starvation and malnutrition in under-developed and under-developing countries, like people of our own country been subjected to terrible reality shows, but everyone of us still faces our very own trials and tribulations that are so close to home (actually at home) that they supersede the bigger problems.


I lost my cat. Usually the thing doesn’t stray far. It's black. (see most recent pic above) Usually it doesn’t leave my living room thanks to the feline attraction of my comfy coricraft couch, the dvd recording system on my Sony TiVO flatscreen, those warm rays of sunshine that pierce the bay window and the PS2 I bought it for Christmas. It answers to Diego. Usually it will only leave to pop into 24hr Woolworths and that’s if I have neglected to go shopping and the house is bereft of IAMS tender chicken pieces or those cute woolies salmon and pepperdews cocktail sandwiches. Usually is over, the thing is missing…

I am pleading for you to spread the word and the search net. Watch this space for the relief fund I might organise. And there will be a reward, if you’re hot, blonde and like cats…

Summer ...

Okay, okay. So it's only spring. But it's been far to long since we've shown you anything even remotely attractive. For your viewing pleasure, Rachel Bilson - Summer fro The OC. If you don't know what that is - do yourself a favour - find out. Pronto.

NFL 2005/6: It has begun...

Tom 'the arm' Brady - more MVP awards than Roy Ferg

For those of you that don't just claim to be 'huge' NFL fans come superbowl time I'd like to enlighten you that this season kicked off last year with defending champs, the New England Patriots, beating the Oakland Raiders 30-20 in a nail biter.

Could the Patriots win a 3rd in a row?

The King is Dead, All Hail the King ...

In a fitting twist of fortune, one who has, in his own words, 'taken so much' plans to give some back. Beloved Son of UCT, Andrew Button is running for Student Representative Council (SRC) 2006. Click here to view his official website.

Button: Elusive.

RSLJ Article 2: How do you like them apples?

Apples: My mom (bless the showstopper) was fond of explaining to me (usually after I had been forced to bully some good-for-nothing schoolyard idiot) how one bad apple could make a bowl perfectly fine, good-to-eat apples rot. Now I'm fairly sure that the analogy applied to badly-behaved - okay, I was a problem child - kids, but it could just as easily be extended to cover that proportion of the female population fondly termed crackwhores.


Back in the good old days, when McGyver made the mullet cool, it was the case that the good apples outnumbered the bad apples. Lately, however, it seems the rot has set in.

Now we're not saying that all apples are bad, just the ones who act it. (In case you're still lost at this point - apples are a running metaphor for girls - the sweet juicy ones amount to showstoppers and those that are rotting can best be described as filthy crackwhores.)

Of course, no apple would ever classify herself as bad, however we say - if the belt-of-an-excuse of a skirt fits, wear it.

Not, that such creatures (or fruit) are without their uses. A rotten apple can easily seem enticing at first glance. Of course, you're probably not the first one who has been fooled by the outward appearance - in fact, you're probably not even the 31st.

Due to the fact that rotten apples spread so easily (pun intendend) they are never alone, and thus, even easier to identify. You can always recognise such a pack of apples as they will be the group with the least wrapping on regardless of how muddy or cold the conditions (at the rugby club) are. They dress flaunting nothing but sex, since they don’t have anything else to flaunt. They will be the ones dancing on the bar offering to pull into each other. They’re the ones that make glossy magazine covers of themselves and refer to themselves as ‘fantastic’.
They’re the type of girl that a rockstar would happily pretend to go out with and masquerade as a couple just so he can so easily get, what she so easily hands out. In fact, she so easily hands it out, she'll probably hand it out to other guys while being in the said ‘relationship’ - to be expected though.

The thing about these girls is, they act like absolute crackwhores and then expect to get treated with respect. My mom always said that the price of an apple is determined by its quality, I guess that price is to bad apples as respect is to crackwhores.

UPDATE:

Want to know find out if your ladyfriend is a bad apple?
Check this out ... Go on, I dare you.

And they say racists only live in RSA. Read the two somewhat contrasting captions for two identical pictures...

An onion by any other name would smell as sweet…

So what’s in a name hey? Everyone has these peculiar little signature referral things we call names (you see even it has a name) so we can direct our thoughtful conversations, posing questions or our adroit remarks to the correct subject and so avoid confusion and possible bloodshed. Like when you’re at a bar and you cry, ‘Stacey, can I buy you a drink?’ Now had you not used Stacey, you would have effectively rung the open-bar bell and committed yourself to one hefty round, or even worse if you had gotten the name wrong and used, say Carly, you would have inadvertently hit on the uglier version of the two dolls propping up the bar! [couldnt get a picture of Stacey so got one of her mom]

So you get my point about the importance of names, and the even more importance of not confusing them. My IDOLS III insert last week got my mind on the habit of weird names being christened (burdened) upon the progeny of the people that reside in the interior of our beloved nation. I did some research scanning currie cup team sheets this weekend and was inundated with a whole host of ridiculous names but I ranked my top five for the sake of brevity:

5.) Windpomp Van Rooyen – the hefty 2nd row forward for the Wildeklawer Griquas rugby team. For those of you with strictly Anglo-descent, his Christian name translates into wind pump and refers to a windmill. I think there are parallels to be drawn here with Brooklyn Beckham, Paris Hilton (although unconfirmed) and Ali G and MeJulies kid, Kentucky. (short for ‘the-bogs-at-KFC-in-langley-village)

4.) Wildeklawer Griquas – Miami Heat, New England Patriots, Canterbury Crusaders, The Mighty Ducks are all great examples of how professionalism has contributed to the catchy names of world famous sporting franschises. Not to be outdone by overseas teams, the men from Kimberley found sponsorship and namesake from the highly respected multi-national onion retailers that holds up the economy of the region since diamonds disappeared…


3.) Kleinjan Tromp – The Lions 2nd row forward. (I see a trend) Again for you monoglots, it translates into Little John which was no doubt stolen from Robinhood’s large friendly club wielding sidekick. Needless to say it is a rather clever oxymoronic play on the fact that the guy is 1,92m and weighs the same as a twelve 10kg bags of wildeklawer onions, although in the native dialect it seems to lose to ‘oxy’ part.

2.) Os du Randt - Staying with the ox theme, we have the Springbok legend Os du Randt who has being propping up scrums since wildeklawer onions has been feeding the kleinjans and windpomps of the world. However I am using him as the foundations to lead us to our winner.

1.) Slagos du Randt – The Lions u21 flyhalf sports a name that is more bizarre than a Durban flea market. His Christian name is the respectable Clayton but his rugby nom de plume is ‘Slagos’. (slaughter ox?) His parents gave the guy a fairly decent name (and a friggan good right boot) but for some reason his mates call him this. So unless he murdered Os du Randt’s (no relationship apparently but I’m sceptical) daughter I can not for the life of me see why you would allow people to call you that…

Names are important but they seemingly becoming rather arbitrary when people are registering their kids under some weird ass references. I don’t care who uses my name, as long as they spell it right…