The Beautiful Game
(A Brief Guide to Britains ASBO Generation)

A week into the most watched sporting event in history, and there have been few surprises. Aside from a couple of unexpected draws (the mafia-sponsored Italy - US match springs to mind), things are proceeding much as one would expect. Rascist neo-nazis have threatened minority groups and warned them to stay away from certain towns, hookers have flooded the cities looking for business, and thousands of chav's have been spotted in and around stadiums.

When meeting the parents becomes incredibly awkward

For those of you unfamiliar with the above terminology - your folks probably wouldn't be blown away were you to bring home a working girl, slightly less so were they to prove to be a violently pro-aryan, swastika-carrying skinhead - but were you to bring home a chav (or chavette) they would be hard-pressed not to disown you.

Chav's are a completely British invention, although they are distant relatives of the Irish pikey and Johannesburg Ghei. Though they are someone difficult to define, they tend to exhibit loutish, anti-social behaviour and can often be heard shouting football chants and involved in street brawls. Aside form behaviourial traits the chav can be identified by it's strong tribal affiliation - manifested by a slavish devotion to brand names, jewellery and sports wear.

Your average chav is between 14-24 and will usually be found in a combination of Burberry clothing (a chav staple) and sports wear, have at least 1 diamond/hoop earing and be wearing either a hoodie or a baseball-cap to hide their identity from London's many CCTV cameras. In the wild, the chav will cover in groups - all the better to mob unsuspecting innocents and be accompanied by a chavette who will exhibit much the same characteristics and will generally expose both stomach and legs, and have far too much make-up on. If encountered they should be avoided at all costs, unless of course you like that sort of thing - in which case you should.