2008 is back with a bang...

The first month of a year always feels like a week. Well, January is over and here we are staring down february's barrel. I am strangely comfortable with it as sliding down the barrel of February's loaded rifle is the sporting year of 2008.

Superbowl 42 in the early hours of sunday's morning and a weekend worth of 6 Nations rugby. Great.

hot hot hot monday...

let us swim?

Punk’d

I should have opened my eyes. I feel stoopid for not realizing before I was ‘had’. I shouldn’t burden myself with further deprecation, I feel enough of an idiot as it is, and more to the point I am the victim here, and everyone else I told.

I doubt any reader actually read the article posted below when it was originally posted. Thankfully our editor-in-chief, Rockstar, (thanks chief) picked up on my not yet glaring oversight and took the article down within 30minutes. I have republished it to admit my error. Go read it.

I will admit many things, but cannot stoop so low to admit that I have been a victim of misleading advertising before this. I know many of you will coyly admit to the boys over a six pack of corona and pizza that you once woke up with chubby white-faced midget of a girl that when you first laid eyes upon her leering at you over the bar at Tiger the night before looked somewhat less chubby and far less pasty.

I think Maybelline and figure restricting jeans are to false advertising what ADSL is to cyber geeks, indispensable tools of the trade! Anyway, I’ve never been lured to take my clothes off for a luminescent slug of a women but I have parted with my money for something that I didn’t end up getting.

I mentioned I am not to proud to admit my mistakes, unlike the Blue Bulls who fired a backline coach in favour of scouting the wondrous talents of Pieter Rossouw. I am also not to proud to admit I so far have started every paragraph with I, however I am contemplating changing that.

I (or not) was so beside my fucking self with the news of a Snow Patrol Signal Concert that I didn’t read the fine print. Snow Patrol actually isn’t playing. The lead vocalist from SP Gary and his keyboard tapping band cohort Tom are from the band Snow Patrol but will be performing a DJ set ‘picking as eclectic a selection of music as possible from tracks they love…’!

Look, I am still going to go and check it out. It should be a good evening. Although I did pay to watch Tiger Woods play golf but it turns out he is playing tennis instead. Thankfully I won’t wake up with dirty slug slime on me…


For tickets check out www.global-breakthrough.com!

Wednesday's monday girl...

Better than missing a week...

[This post is purely for reference purpose to above post]

A high 5 will do...

The imminent flood of 'how was your holiday?' questions that I will have to deal with when I return to my normal life in a month [this Clifton life-style guard thing is just a summer fling] scares the hell out of me.

I hate having to deal with it! So I think the best defensive is an aggressive offensive so I am going to start my own onslaught before you can. How was your holiday???

Oh wait, it just got a fuck load better! If you don't believe me, read on for the next 60 seconds and honestly tell me if I haven't changed your life..!



Whilst you were snow-walking the tourist beat in Aspen, lathing on Piz Buin on a Mediterranean yacht, playing kolpak rugby at an Irish rugby club, pina colading the shit out of life in Mozambique or giving little angels their wings in St Francis, myself and Rockstar stayed at home. We watched out beaches, we kept the Joburgers boet out of trouble and looked after Cape Town for you. It's a pleasure.

Yes, there is more...

Since we have been so carefully protecting our wonderful little city like the endangered piece of fynbos it is we have had our ears firmly to the ground. And what have we have heard that will jump your holiday up at least two bars of the Holiday Barometer? [just remembered I haven't shared with you the graduations on the Holiday Barometer - mental note to rectify that]

Your holiday just got better.



Snow Patrol are playing live in concert, in Cape Town on Signal Hill in a very small arena to a select few people! The concert is on the 1st March 2008...


That pain sensation in your arm right now is you trying to pinch yourself. This isn't a dream, you are awake. No dreams are this good. Congratulations you are inner circle.

Tickets are still available. Email us at rockstarweb@gmail.com and we will send you details on how to purchase your own.

A hi5 will do...

Boston's Back...


I had to just throw this out there in case you were stuck watching 'My Super Sweet 16' on MTV on Monday night in horrid ignorance of the fact that Boston Legal is back on the Series channel. Monday's at 21h00. It's quotes like these that oblige me to fill you in:

"An inexplicable compulsion to be redeeming, as if I was a regular on a television series...!"

The Update...

If you have 3 hours of free time lying around between gym and doing your daily stop checks at Clifton to ensure everything is as you left it go hang around channel 230. ESPN, the only channel you will find the highlights of this past weekends NFL play-off action.

It was such a good weekend of football. Every game was a buzzer hanger complete with game turning moment. The 'okay stop taking the piss' New England Patriots beat Jacksonville in a nail-biter. The Colts failed with 3 downs and goal to reclaim the lead against the Chargers in the final quarter and lost 28-24. The Giants upset the Dallas Cowboys 21-17 in yet another close one. Greenbay did hammer the Seahawks but it was exciting.

I know that adds up to 12 hours of TV viewing but everyone has twelve hours to spare somewhere when the sun goes down. Please make an effort this weekend.

I checked. Clifton is fine.

I'll do your supersets and lifeguard the clifton honeys so you're free to enjoy... It's a fuck load more exciting that watching 5 days worth of Dale Steyn fast bowling and Graeme Smith's apple sourz swigging...

And in other news...

Ewoudt Van der Linde - surprisingly not a stage name!

This is arb but interesting. The muppet in the Bulls suit that does flickflaks around fortress Loftus in the searing highveld 3pm heat is now the team doctor for the u19s and u21s. I love overachieving medic students. They always have that annoying knack of having CVs longer than Joyce novels, but this guy is rounded off with the fact that he is a circus midget.

And lastly...


Did anyone watch the Osprey's this weekend. A bit of magic there..! Oh and yes, the chargers have been dropped. Insufficient evidence or celebrity status? Not sure, but if Maori rugby players can evade the law and beat their wives, why can't I drink on trains and call girls fat?

Monday Girl...

I am very patriotic...and so is this young cheerleader!

XLII: Heads or Tails...

The only crap thing I have worked out that the NFL has is bad broadcasting, in our country that is. With time delays and the one channel problem we only get to see games, or NFL shows, after 1am on Monday mornings on ESPN ch 230.

This is inconvenient as it is when most of us are either trying to simultaneously close our bar tab in Camps Bay and the steamy foreign girl in white heels OR are closing our bar whilst aforementioned steamy white-heeled foreign girl is trying to give us her number whilst the guy who has been buying her vodka cranberries all night is tipping us heavily. Convoluted I know but also very ironic.

Referring back to our NFL broadcasting dilemma and the imminency of the arrival of Superbowl XLII on the 3rd feb I thought I might give you an update.

The Wildcard Playoff round was last week which is essentially the fairest way to reduce to conferences, AFC and NFC, to the top 4 sides in each conference. They then have it out for division title, and then the division winners play each other for the Superbowl.

The thing is this year the two top sides, the New England Patriots and incumbent ring holders the Indianapolis Colts are in the same conference, so only if form holds they'll compete for Division honours and not for the Superbowl.

Where we are now? Basically at the quarter finals -

American Football Conference:

Indianapolis Colts v San Diego Chargers

New England Patriots v Jacksonville Jaguars

National Football Conference:

Dallas Cowboys v New York Giants

Green Bay Packers v Seatle Seahawks

The Superbowl itself is hosted at the University of Phoenix Stadium in Glendale, Arizona this year. All but 2 halftime advert slots have been sold, so if you've got $2.7 million to spend on 30seconds of ad time you better send your black amex details through now...

Measure it...

If you can't measure something you can't analyze it or improve on it. Go check out this site. It is rather disturbing to watch some of the numbers roll over like the odometer on my car...

http://www.worldometers.info/

Sick. The world's population (births minus deaths today) grew by 400 whilst I put this post up.

Monday girl...

I love cliches...

The rolling plains of Africa…

Migration has a frequent role throughout history and the reoccurrence of it in the future is virtually certain. Transcending over boundaries between species migration is found in nearly every type of object capable of moving.

David Attenborough made one instance of migration the most famous world wide by documenting the never-ending passage of blue wildebeest across the plains of the Serengeti but there are other instances of equal number that aren’t as famous. A vital hinge to the concept of migration is that the moving mass, at some stage returns to their place of origin. If this doesn’t occur then it would just be a mass exodus, like the Jews high-tailing it out of Egypt or Stormers rugby fans bolting out of Newlands.


One of these lesser known but equally large migration takes place when summer reaches its zenith in the Southern Cape. And now that the last Xmas tree has turned brown on the city refuge dumping site and the last piece of shattered Dom Perignon bottles have been swept of the floor summer holiday is on its way out and so are the subjects of this migration to which I refer.

The first subtle indications of its beginning are notice around earlier December, but by the 20th it is in full swing. You first notice skid away tire marks at robots and stop streets. You then walk into Woolworths and feel the squinting eye contact of people searing into the back of your head as they are checking you out.



Whilst on the beach the monotony of your expertly placed beach bats shots resonate melodically in your ears and are usually only interrupted by the lapping of the gentle tide at your feet but now it is harshly punctuated by shouts of ‘boet’ carried by the sea breeze. You look around perplexed and see no one. But as the December days wear on, the ‘boets’ become louder and more frequent, to the point where you stop going to the beach.

The day after Christmas you realize that there are more orange people wandering the camps bay strip than on a Sunset Tan film set, there are more chains per square capita than on Amistad and…then…then, you see your first orange skinned bikini babe teetering on the curb in a pair of clear heels. The migration, like summer, is at its zenith.

However, despite the increasing prevalence of telltale signs the migration is no more acutely apparent than in the cash trays of bars, clubs, cocktail lounges and restaurants in and around the Mother City.

Like the far eastern plains of the Serengeti the cash tray of your typical till was a common and ordered sanctuary where the animals got on so well. Herds of bright blue buffalo grazed lazily through the veld. Large regal male Lions dominated the higher ground. Africa’s moniker the Elephant roamed freely and the lowveld teemed with crashes of Rhino. This plains were punctuated by the low bark of the majestic leopard that although, not rare, was always tucked away.

In Cape Town the leopards are slightly different in that they have a white powdery tinged much like the Columbian Snow Leopard and are distinct from the leopards around the country. But the migration has begun, and a new leopard is in town.




It is a much larger, bulkier more muscular leopard. It is a leopard on steroids, very probably. It is fierce, aggressive and piles up in the far left of the cash tray barking out aggressive taunts belittling the other animals. It drives a black car. It drives it fast. It doesn’t have thin rubber radio collar, it has a thick full metal and leather collar with spikes. If it was dog, it would live in a junk yard. If it was a person, it would be from Joburg…

However, the vital hinge of the migration occurs and this foreign breed of leopard starts disappearing. Their departure is not a day too late as a hunting party just arrived from over the Atlantic. Teddy R has brought is friends Benjamin, Grant, Jackson, Lincoln and Washington to do some shooting…

Monday...

Happy New Years...

Computer Geek humour...

This is actually kinda funny if you've seen both social mediums.

Facebook: Hey.
MySpace: Sup.
Facebook: So's it going?
MySpace: It's going great, actually. How are things with you?
Facebook: Not bad. Not bad at all.
MySpace: I mean, you had a pretty good idea to start with.
Facebook: Now what is THAT supposed to mean.
MySpace: You and I both know that you based Facebook on MySpace.
Facebook: WHAT!? That's ridiculous. I don't see your users poking each other!
MySpace: That's because my users aren't GAY.
Facebook: No no, it's not like that, it's like a poke on the shoulder. Or something.
MySpace: Oh, okay.GAY.
Facebook: Well it's not as gay as Tom.
MySpace: You take that back.
Facebook: I will not.
MySpace: You take that back RIGHT. NOW.
Facebook: (singing) Tom is gay, Tom is gay.
MySpace: Yeah well at least he's not looking for "whatever he can get."
Facebook: We added that option as a JOKE.
MySpace: Oh, sure you did. Just like you added Live Feed to "keep people up to date."
Facebook: Don' even start with Live Feed. We asked our users what they wanted!
MySpace: Oh yeah, nice open letter, you homo.
Facebook: IT'S IMPORTANT TO KNOW WHAT THE USERS WANT!
MySpace: Lame.
Facebook: You're just jealous because your users are all old and creepy now.
MySpace: If by old and creepy you mean famous musicians, then yes, yes they are.
Facebook: That is NOT what I meant, I meant what I said.
MySpace: Watch it, Facebook. Don't make me call my Top 8.
Facebook: Oh, I'm so scared. Well YOU don't make me call my...my...
MySpace: Your what? Your "Friends We Have In Common"?
Facebook: Shut up, that's a very helpful feature! Better than "Who I'd Like To Meet"!
MySpace: Yeah, well you FREE IPOD CLICK HERE TO WIN (pause)

Facebook: What the hell was that?!MySpace: Oh nothing, don't worry about that, I have a tic and sometimes-

Facebook: That was a pop-up, wasn't it??
MySpace: I HAVE A TIC!!!
Facebook: Hahaha you have pop-ups and you can't control them!
MySpace: I can to! I can stop them whenever I want!
Facebook: Whatever you say, sell-out.
MySpace: Oh I'm sorry, what? I can't hear you over the sound of my money.
[Silence. A door opens]
Friendster: Oh, hey guys!! What's going on??
MySpace/Facebook: Fag.

Rockstar of the Moment...

No prizes for having guessed it would be him. One free mince pie voucher to the big guy...

Merry Merry everyone.

Monday Mary Clause...

One more shoplifting day until xmas we think why not stay within the theme? I can't wait to slip into her stocking.

Flight Club...

A monopoly is a great thing if you're the owner of it but not if you're on the receiving end of their limitless ability to determine prices. When you are a customer, especially of a service, it is crucially important that the provider of that service or product has a fierce competitor so it doesn't have carte blanche to adjust its price as it pleases.

For this reason I don't go out at night alone! Its too easy. So instead I surround myself with my rockstarish friends. But a more pertinent reason is the impact this has on air travel.

I recently had the (mis)fortune of flying around the country to tie up some christmas loose ends. Fiscally relegated to low cost airlines and with my voyager account being saved for a pending transatlantic adventure I chose to spread my flight experience over 3 competing airlines to determine which one should be adopted for rockstar air (lowcost) airtravel.

The scale upon which to make this determination was obvious. To level the playing field so you can fairly adjudicate which service provider is the best you have to use a world-famous, tried and tested formula. Look no further than the Johnny Drama Point System.




Based on a 10 point allocation across four different criteria, we have a mark out of 40. Highest mark? The air-medium that gets Rockstar approval for all our mile high club aspirations.

Drama's four criteria: Decor, Amenities, Serivce and Ambience.

Kulula, 1Time and Flymango are the mortar of the stonewall that is low cost airline travel. I flew them all in that order:

Kulula

Decor - How something looks is a substantially subjective opinion. Based on our history and current status I can say without fear of contradiction that we talk with thorough authority in regard to somethings appearance. The slime green that is synonymous with Kulula is strangly successful. It is concurrent with there off the wall approach to everything and since you only have to bear the brightness until you are off the runway it works. 7.5.


Amenities - Wings. Engines, Aerofoils. Landing Gear. Chair. Pilot. What else do you really need from a plane since every plane needs the above, unless you're thinking of a Nationwide plane. The yardstick then, must be leg room. Fair. 6.






Service - I would love to sit down with Drama over a coffee just to briefly discuss the important question of: in which category does how good looking the in-flight staff fall? I would think it falls into the service category, but at second glance the outfits are all important as you slide past for the Tyler Durden 'ass or crotch' dilemma and that moment of two sugar cleavage when they serve you your coffee. However, we must remain mindful that the visual opportunity for pleasure that we enjoy could fall under the broad umbrella category of ambience and if you are really really really lucky she may even fall into the amenity category. It's a tough one, so I am following in the footsteps of all great men and determining service by the length of airhostess skirt. Above the knee. Nice. 7.


Ambience - The people were happy. The people were also well represented by that fat class of chubby people we endeavour to refrain from referring to, which is fantastic for life raft peace of mind. If I'm bobbing in the Indian Ocean or Vaal Dam for longer than 72 hours I will skin that chubby blonde kid in 8C. 7.5.

Total: 28.

1Time


Decor - About as imaginative as the Stormers Super 14 kit and as retch inducing as the Stormers 1996 campaign strip. Not cool. Aparrently they used to paint the interiors of warships red so seamen injured by artillary shells would see the sight of their own blood in battle and freak out. I reckon 1Time choose it for similar reasons to induce calmness at a crash site. Thoughtful. 4.

Amenities - When 1time squeezed their ugly head into the airtravel trade they built their incursion for the title of best lowcost airline on the purchasing of the cheapest planes money can buy. They did extremely well in spending as little as possible on planes. The nearest place I can plausibly assume they found these flying deathtraps would have to be the scrapyard of the once famous Angolan Airforce. These ex-military cargo planes were dipped in a red paint fondue and the gutted fuselage was filled with the off cut seating rails from HIACE toyota taxis that they bought cheaply from the SA Governments after a successful taxi recapitalisation effort. Not cool. 3.5.



Service - I always thought the worst service in the world could be found on the patio of Opium Beach Bar in Camps Bay. 45minutes for a glass of water and a toasted cheese and tomato would be a record and probably earn the waitresss involved the 'waiter of the month' award. I thought Opium couldn't be rivalled. 1Time could have a stab. 3.


Ambience - You know that tangible fear that some directors can convey to the watcher of a hostage drama scene? You know a hostage will be sacrificed and feel it could be you! Flying 1Time is like that. If you don't die of dehydration, meal poisoning or by being constricted between the fat girls in seats 11A and 11C, there is a good chance you will lose a wing mid-flight or a crucial wheel mid-landing and fire a searing fireball death. Ambience: 2.5.


Total: 13

FlyMango

Decor - Orange. Eye catching. Orange. The New Pink. Plus very original. 7.

Amenities - All the bells and whistles of low cost airtravel but since it is run by SAA which is owned by the same people that own part of the ACSA (the company that controls the airports in RSA) Mango gets gate preference and runway preference. The first is perky whereas the second is more important that you think when 16 planes are circling OR Tambo after an oil spill on the south runway with the perfect highveld hail storm brewing minutes away. The orange planes get a runway whereas the rest get rerouted to Tzaneen or just Soweto straight. 8



Service - This is easy to describe. The airhostess wear these skin tight sexy charcoal stretch pants, pre-washed and shrunk little button up tops and sexy mango pumps. Maybe it was the angel that served by row but these outfits were racing. 9.


Ambience - How would you expect the inflight atmosphere of a plane load of men served by a troupe of sexy dressed belters getting spearheaded by one particular blonde haired beauty. I think Mango recruited its airhostess straight from above the stratosphere. 9.

Total: 33.


It's easy. Fly Mango, and ask for Almeria.

Monday from Arnolds...

We're branching out. The JJ is a bit of a technocrat so we got the opportunity to post during breakfast. No lovely...

The Secret...

Secrets are only best kept when you realize their truth and need to share them with as many people as possible. We are givers here. We have a secret and we need to share it because it certainly has been kept exceptionally well.

We also share it because even if you do know about this rich pool of talent we have unearthed we know that you are hardly any competition that would suffice in preventing us from still having first pick from the resources.

Menlyn: Home to the Rolling Mall...

Rockstars we give you very possibly the richest vein of talent from which you can showstopper search. Pretoria!!!

The three egg omellete maker..!

The Blue Bulls come from Pretoria and we never really have much too nice to say about them. However we, like Eddie Jones, have made the realization that beyond a sturdy tight five, Union Buildings and an excellently formed rolling maul, Pretoria has a great deal to offer.

The 1st and 2nd Princess just didn't have the easy load feature...

The corridors and shops of Brooklyn Mall and Menlyn are densely populated with such a wide array of good looking broads a semi-retarded fool whose looks match his water boiling at room temperature IQ could find himself a beauty queen breakfast maker..!

Robbie Wessles and the travelling Wilburys...

AND...don't be perturbed, many of these girls are English, although unfortunately are diseased with that very Afrikaans fashion sense but that can easily be cured with the healthy vaccine of a couple of issues Marie Claire and maybe a short trip to Europe or a week long tour of the Camps Bay strip.

Dress sense: Curable

Yes, these girls may be iron ore and need to be refined, but at least you're not chasing coal looking for a diamond. Rich, rich vein...

Rockstar Beach ...

Of course the government call it Clifton 3 1/2 but they would, wouldn't they. So in the name of everything rockstar-ish we've claimed it. It's ours now. And yours. That's how much we love you. It's small and exclusive (obviously) so it's invite only. Don't feel left out, if you''re reading this you're probably invited. Probably. Of course it help's if you're ridiculously good-looking, blonde, Swedish (and female). Otherwise try 4th with the rest of humanity.

Who says that there's trouble parking at the beach?

Unless you swing a mean beach bat. See you there.

Note the rocks in the background for maximum privacy