Flight Club...

A monopoly is a great thing if you're the owner of it but not if you're on the receiving end of their limitless ability to determine prices. When you are a customer, especially of a service, it is crucially important that the provider of that service or product has a fierce competitor so it doesn't have carte blanche to adjust its price as it pleases.

For this reason I don't go out at night alone! Its too easy. So instead I surround myself with my rockstarish friends. But a more pertinent reason is the impact this has on air travel.

I recently had the (mis)fortune of flying around the country to tie up some christmas loose ends. Fiscally relegated to low cost airlines and with my voyager account being saved for a pending transatlantic adventure I chose to spread my flight experience over 3 competing airlines to determine which one should be adopted for rockstar air (lowcost) airtravel.

The scale upon which to make this determination was obvious. To level the playing field so you can fairly adjudicate which service provider is the best you have to use a world-famous, tried and tested formula. Look no further than the Johnny Drama Point System.




Based on a 10 point allocation across four different criteria, we have a mark out of 40. Highest mark? The air-medium that gets Rockstar approval for all our mile high club aspirations.

Drama's four criteria: Decor, Amenities, Serivce and Ambience.

Kulula, 1Time and Flymango are the mortar of the stonewall that is low cost airline travel. I flew them all in that order:

Kulula

Decor - How something looks is a substantially subjective opinion. Based on our history and current status I can say without fear of contradiction that we talk with thorough authority in regard to somethings appearance. The slime green that is synonymous with Kulula is strangly successful. It is concurrent with there off the wall approach to everything and since you only have to bear the brightness until you are off the runway it works. 7.5.


Amenities - Wings. Engines, Aerofoils. Landing Gear. Chair. Pilot. What else do you really need from a plane since every plane needs the above, unless you're thinking of a Nationwide plane. The yardstick then, must be leg room. Fair. 6.






Service - I would love to sit down with Drama over a coffee just to briefly discuss the important question of: in which category does how good looking the in-flight staff fall? I would think it falls into the service category, but at second glance the outfits are all important as you slide past for the Tyler Durden 'ass or crotch' dilemma and that moment of two sugar cleavage when they serve you your coffee. However, we must remain mindful that the visual opportunity for pleasure that we enjoy could fall under the broad umbrella category of ambience and if you are really really really lucky she may even fall into the amenity category. It's a tough one, so I am following in the footsteps of all great men and determining service by the length of airhostess skirt. Above the knee. Nice. 7.


Ambience - The people were happy. The people were also well represented by that fat class of chubby people we endeavour to refrain from referring to, which is fantastic for life raft peace of mind. If I'm bobbing in the Indian Ocean or Vaal Dam for longer than 72 hours I will skin that chubby blonde kid in 8C. 7.5.

Total: 28.

1Time


Decor - About as imaginative as the Stormers Super 14 kit and as retch inducing as the Stormers 1996 campaign strip. Not cool. Aparrently they used to paint the interiors of warships red so seamen injured by artillary shells would see the sight of their own blood in battle and freak out. I reckon 1Time choose it for similar reasons to induce calmness at a crash site. Thoughtful. 4.

Amenities - When 1time squeezed their ugly head into the airtravel trade they built their incursion for the title of best lowcost airline on the purchasing of the cheapest planes money can buy. They did extremely well in spending as little as possible on planes. The nearest place I can plausibly assume they found these flying deathtraps would have to be the scrapyard of the once famous Angolan Airforce. These ex-military cargo planes were dipped in a red paint fondue and the gutted fuselage was filled with the off cut seating rails from HIACE toyota taxis that they bought cheaply from the SA Governments after a successful taxi recapitalisation effort. Not cool. 3.5.



Service - I always thought the worst service in the world could be found on the patio of Opium Beach Bar in Camps Bay. 45minutes for a glass of water and a toasted cheese and tomato would be a record and probably earn the waitresss involved the 'waiter of the month' award. I thought Opium couldn't be rivalled. 1Time could have a stab. 3.


Ambience - You know that tangible fear that some directors can convey to the watcher of a hostage drama scene? You know a hostage will be sacrificed and feel it could be you! Flying 1Time is like that. If you don't die of dehydration, meal poisoning or by being constricted between the fat girls in seats 11A and 11C, there is a good chance you will lose a wing mid-flight or a crucial wheel mid-landing and fire a searing fireball death. Ambience: 2.5.


Total: 13

FlyMango

Decor - Orange. Eye catching. Orange. The New Pink. Plus very original. 7.

Amenities - All the bells and whistles of low cost airtravel but since it is run by SAA which is owned by the same people that own part of the ACSA (the company that controls the airports in RSA) Mango gets gate preference and runway preference. The first is perky whereas the second is more important that you think when 16 planes are circling OR Tambo after an oil spill on the south runway with the perfect highveld hail storm brewing minutes away. The orange planes get a runway whereas the rest get rerouted to Tzaneen or just Soweto straight. 8



Service - This is easy to describe. The airhostess wear these skin tight sexy charcoal stretch pants, pre-washed and shrunk little button up tops and sexy mango pumps. Maybe it was the angel that served by row but these outfits were racing. 9.


Ambience - How would you expect the inflight atmosphere of a plane load of men served by a troupe of sexy dressed belters getting spearheaded by one particular blonde haired beauty. I think Mango recruited its airhostess straight from above the stratosphere. 9.

Total: 33.


It's easy. Fly Mango, and ask for Almeria.