The funniest joke of all time...

Knock knock?

Twakkie: Laughing at his own joke. Hard!

[Mentally think - who is there?]

Pierre...

[Mentally think - pierre who?]





Pierre Spies at number 8 instead of Ryan Kankowski...

The tribe has drunken...

Robbie Deans struggling to get into the hearts of the outback: I tell you, why´dwe ´ave to git the Kiwee fella? Them Yaapies gawt a black coach, why culdn´t we..?

This is after the Aussie´s couldn´t win the Bledisloe and after getting run smacked by India. Can you imagine if they had something to celebrate?

Where is your bread buttered..?

Cricket entertains me about as much as a Blue Bulls rolling maul, but watching English sportsmen lose at anything I do find mildly relishing. However, watching English sportsmen lose at anything whilst their wags get fondled pitch side by a 58 year old texan billionaire is something fantastic.

Smile KP, that´s what I paying ya-four...

I am not going to get weighed down by unnecessary detail here and you can google the Stanford 20-20 yourself if you don´t already know more than me but the important gist of it is that Sir Allen Stanford, donated an island full of money to host a 5 match cricket series - played in the shortened 20-20 version of the game - with the prize money of $20million dollars, and the game would basically happen in his own backyard as he is a citizen of Antigua Barbados.

England is playing a West Indian all star XI for the pot.

Lovely, very philanthropic, please see previous post, but here is the kicker.

Stanford has been caught in a compromising situation whereby he has had to apologize to certain English players after been caught flirting with some of their wags.

Hop into Daddy´s saddle there ya´all.

This from the guardian.co.uk:

After being filmed flirting with the wives and girlfriends of England's cricketers, Sir Allen Stanford has apologised for his behaviour. The billionaire backer of the Stanford Super Series was caught on camera on the England player's balcony with his arm around two women, including Alastair Cook's girlfriend Alice Hunt, while he bounced Matt Prior's pregnant wife, Emma, on his knee.

Who says money can´t buy you everything. Priceless.


Probably regretting not hosting the English football side...

Good Girl Hunting...

We promised to deliver and we have failed. I can´t remember the defences for vicarious liability but we will claim them. Although the adjacent story leading to our failure is fairly amusing.

We promised that our overseas correspondent The International Man of Mystery would attend the 2nd ever regular season NFL game at Wembly stadium and report back on his intervarsity-esque antics. The Saints beat the Chargers 37 - 32 in a thriller in front of a packed Wemly stadium. 83 226 people attended, Wembly has a capacity of 83 227. Where was he..?

Saints 37 Chargers 32.

Pre-match tailgate parties have followed the NFL across the Atlantic but our Man made up for it and hit a local bar with an extended group, they hit it hard. As warm English ale was disappearing faster than the numbers on the countdown to kick-off clock, our Man found him - this is a direct quote - ¨displaying his John Travolta dance skills¨ with gratuitous disregard.


What can only in his mind be conceived as a flaunting display of male physical prowess seemingly was similarly conceived as such by an unknown Russion natural-gas-and-property-princess-heir. The atmosphere was electric. The eastern bloc multimillionaire was smitten and gave him the lazy eye...

Rush In.

As the boys were leaving the establishment to catch the football, our Man tossed over his ticket stub and waved them off, mouthing, ´sorry boys, I have to go see about a girl...´

Fairytale stuff that not even fantasy football can recreate but not so much for our Man as this week, to organise round 2 with our Russian princess he has to try ´re-work´ her impression that he is a 32 year old equity trader.

We are not going to promise to send him to Hong Kong for Saturdays massive Bledisloe clashes to catch Dan Carter showing that Jean De Villiers´s claim by default of being the best inside centre in the world is no longer...

Changing Gears...

Catch it yourself at 10h30 SA time.

All Blacks: 15 Mils Muliaina, 14 Hosea Gear, 13 Conrad Smith, 12 Dan Carter, 11 Sitiveni Sivivatu, 10 Stephen Donald, 9 Jimmy Cowan, 8 Rodney So'oialo, 7 Richie McCaw (captain), 6 Jerome Kaino, 5 Ali Williams, 4 Brad Thorn, 3 Neemia Tialata, 2 Andrew Hore, 1 Tony Woodcock.
Replacements: 16 Keven Mealamu, 17 Greg Somerville, 18 Anthony Boric, 19 Adam Thomson, 20 Piri Weepu, 21 Ma'a Nonu, 22 Isaia Toeava.

Date: Saturday, Novemebr 1
Venue: Hong Kong Stadium

Tyler...

The good man at Tyler Durden is to online celebrity smut what L Ron Hubbard is to Scientology. He makes it. Honestly. But what Ron, Tyler, giveth, Tyler, Ron, taketh away. You can´t actually steal his images. Fair enough, you can´t really steal Tombrady´s either.

Stringy focker, aren´t you..!

Yet...here they are. Go check out the rest at www.wwtdd.com.

Monday girl...



Hot might not be the right word, but it is the first that comes to mind...

Kansas City Shuffling...

Linford Christie was born in St Andrew, Jamaica; it is in Missouri, just outside Kansas City. He moved to England and became a great athlete and won numerous sprinting awards. You wont know what I am talking about until you realise where this is going, or at least, where it looks like we think it might be going.

Cut up about failure...

You see, young Linford had great speed. Quick out the blocks and when his big tall strong frame got into its rhythm he cleaned up the track with the oppositions spandex outfits. He won gold in Barcelona 1992, in 9,96s he was the oldest Olympian to win gold in the 100m. Unfortunately for Linford it was downhill from there. But he made a comeback to compete in the 1996 Atlanta games. The hype beat old Linford, but he managed to qualify for the fastest man on earth race. However, his Q time wasn´t competitive.

In the much anticipate final, Christie false started thrice and was ejected from the race in the midst of much controversy, no one would ever get to see the outcome of the voyager heroes comeback because it was foiled by technical rules.

I was 13. You saw the Kansas City shuffle. I saw through it. I saw a tired old man throwing in the towel without getting beating. You saw Ali throw that punch on Sonny Liston hey - bet you thought you saw him land it too? Christie retired, and we wondered what if.

Big question – better to be beaten or surrender when defeat is inevitable. I think the rockstar way would be to choose which ever, as everyone forgets eventually, but do it with honour.

What is the easiest way to avoid the shame of failing an exam? Don´t study and then scapegoat a lack of learning rather than a lack of mental capacity. What is the easiest way to avoid getting rejected by the petite blonde at the bar? Wait all night, until she starts hitting on the Rockstar in onitsukas and then blame not getting her number on her?

Can´t ride the bus if you don´t buy a ticket...

What is the easiest way to avoid the public humiliation of not getting employed for an available position? Don´t apply..!

However, the phrase easiest doesn´t always mean the 13 year old kid didn´t miss the Kansas City shuffle... The public might have, but the kid saw it.

Choking: You didn´t quit asshole, you got fired. Live with that.

Lately ...

It seems there's been quite an uproar about, as one Rockstar phrased it, the Honourable Julius Malema's Matric Results.

Subject Grade Symbol

Mathematics SG H

Woodworking SG GG

English (second language) HG C

Sepedi (first language) HG E

Afrikaans (second language) HG E

Geography HG F

History SG D

I for one, don't really see the big deal. As ANCYL president he surely aims at one day occupying the top spot - currently held by the even mre Honourable Comrade Zuma.


See below JZ's matric results:


Um,



uhh,





Oh.

International Affairs...

This Sunday sees an NFL match up cross the Atlantic to play the second in season game ever outside of American soil, and we are sending our own Rockstar correspondent.

Last year saw the Giants and the Dolphins meet in a Wembly Stadium bore fest as the driving rain and soggy grass got the better of the cushy american ball players who are accustomed to hard fast astro hybrid surfaces and dry closed stadiums. However, the game did pull 81 000 people and tomorrows game is another sell out. Giants won that 13-10 and did go on to win the Superbowl so maybe there is something going on here.

Thicker coats for colder climates...

The spectators are up for an attacking clash as New Orleans Saints play the San Diego Chargers. The Saints have the no 1 offensive for passing yards and overall yards, but alas are without boy wonder Reggie Bush. Bush had near surgery after a tear last weekend and is out for a month. You want something special, search Reggie Bush on youtube, it is stupid.



The Chargers have scored more than 28 point in 4 of their 7 games so far this season and are also an attacking dream. They have running back legend LaDainian Tomlinson in their attack arsenal and even though he is hacking this season with a toe injury he is sure to get the cow bells ringing.



For the occasion we have commissioned our London correspondent and international man of mystery (its a mystery how he holds a job at a top investing firm) to fly the rockstar flag at the game. Looking at his history at intervarsity clashes don´t be surprised if you see a blue and white overall clad gentleman asking yellow bibbed London bobbys if they know who the fuck he is, whilst wildly brandishing a bell bottle of crackling at the would be law enforcement officers.

Since he earns pounds we can pay him in nothing but promises to try protect his sister´s virginity, or at least take it rather than let it fall to a 3rd year IS major.

Doing it by the numbers...

75% of all statistics are made up.
53.2% of all made up statistics are not 100% incorrect.
0.0346% of all quoted statistics that are used in support of a proposition are later checked by the receiving party.
0% however, are checked by the alleging party.

Have a gander through these stats and make up your own mind.

The Springboks won 67% of all games played during Jake White´s coaching tenure. The highest win ratio, during this tenure, per annum was 82% in 2007. During this period they lost 66% of their games against the All Blacks, 75% against France, and 50% against Ireland.



Jacob Zuma has had 50% of all charges he faces go to trial. He has a 100% non-conviction rate of all charges faced at trial. He showers after 67% of all sexual encounters, and 43% of those can be described as consensually indeterminate.

7.2 yard comfortably...

Tombrady completes 63% of all the passes he makes, at an average of 7.2 yards per pass. Tombrady misses 100% of the passes he doesn´t throw, Tombrady never chooses not to pass and so Tombrady never misses. Tombrady sleeps with 102.5% of the women he chooses to sleep with. 99.9% of those women are supermodels. 0.01% of those women will be supermodels. Number of tv adverts Peyton Manning has featured in this season, 98.7%.

5 out of 5 is a hundred...

The average life expectancy of a Chuck Norris enemy combatant is 4 seconds. The average salary of a WWE wrestler is $47 500/annum, the average salary of these wrestlers per hour if wrestling didn´t exist, $4.25.

4 second before imminent death...

The number of South African households surviving on less than R1000/month, 43%. The number of ANC MPs that prefer the oaken taste of J&B Jet over Jameson 12year old, 67%. The number of MPs that attended over 80% of Parliamentary sessions since 2005, 12.3%. The number that were at any one time in a first world country playing craps in the hotel´s casino, 53%. The number that were at the hotel bar listening to the piano, drinking 12 year old whiskey, after losing all their travel vouchers at the craps table, 47%.

Craps.

Fact.

More than 100 out of 430 odd MPs are being investigated by the Scorpions for travel fraud.
SAPS conviction rate of all investigated matter that went to trial in 2007: 19%
Scorpions conviction rate of all matters brought to trial 93%.

Question:

Does it seem counter-intuitive that the people with the power to vote for the disbandment of an investigatory body are the same people who are currently being investigated by that body?

Business Hugh Glenister brought an application to the court yesterday in an attempt to halt the process described above. The court, and rightfully so, found that his issue was not, in a sense, ripe yet and that the court is not a tool to turn to when people need recourse to avert political inappropriateness. The doctrine of separation of powers separates the judicial powers from leaking into the realm of the executive and theses judicial powers can only appear after an unsavory political move. The court is not weapon to be used in political battles, political wars need to be fought with political weapons.

However, this system is presupposed by an efficient multi-party democracy, not a one party state that keeps its electorate unfed and uneducated and themselves in power. Maybe a strong opposition will change this...

Percentage of people excited by Comrade Lekota and Shilowa...? You make that up...

Summer Time ...
brought to you by Rockstar

Saturday 25th Oct

High: 26° Low: 14°

That's how we rock ...

Monday Night Lights...

Of course, you thought the whole Hull 4 - London 0 thing was just a coincidence. As it turns out, we here at Rockstar have a surefire way to predict the future based on pop culture.

Just take yesterday for example. While you were sleeping the New England Patriots (last years 18 - 0 regular season) managed to thrash the Denver Broncos with QB1 throwing 3 TDs. Not surprising. Except that - they're one Tom "Achilles" Brady short. Brady, who played more consecutive games than any quaterback in history pulled out at the start of the season with a foot injury.

QB1

In slots Matt Cassell, who's played, oh, about 23 seconds of actual game-time footvall since High School. Matt played behind Heismann Trophy winner Matt Leinart for his entire varsity career and and then managed to get drafted just behind 2-time MVP Brady - that's a lot of bench-warming.

If you cast your mind back to those heady days of early FNL you might remember All-Star QB1 J Street picking up an injury and being replaced by 3rd string QB Matt Saracen. That's right. Matt Cassel is Matt Saracen.

Matt "Saracen" Cassell - taking it easy

I know. It's a lot to take in. All that's important for you to know now is that Giselle Bundchen is going to be sleeping with Tim Riggins in about 2 weeks time. Oh, and bet on the Panthers/Patriots to win the SuperBowl this year.

Gisele. That's for free.

If you've got no idea what we're talking about click here to continue reading about the never-ending and now infinitely boring Puke Watson scandal.

Die Hard 8.0

The white man in South Africa needs to take a step back, look at his black brother and realise that there is a specific way you go about things if you want to achieve change.

The new wave...

Parliament yesterday passed a Bill that would finally bring an end to those pesky Scorpion fuckers that keep taking Parliamentarians into questioning regarding how they send their offspring to private schools, and wives for 5 star tourist jaunts paying with travelers cheques. You can always spot a good MP on a Friday afternoon at the liquor depot buying a bottle of Hennessey and crate of black label quartzs and tendering voyager miles as cash.

Parliament take on average 4 or 5 years to pass a bill. But when they really need the Bill, or face having to return your daughter´s new X3, wham bang, 100 hours later and we have no special directorate of investigations to check under the mattresses of MPs. There is a strong lesson to be taken here.

Pronking for deer life..?

Nkosi Comrade JZ wants prosecutions to be dropped. Wham bang a hundred and thirty thousand, newly privatized mini bus taxis descended into the dustbowl that is Maritzburg, and play nothing but hard base kwaito until the presiding officer drops the ball. There is a strong lesson to be taken here.

Kaizer Chiefs want to make the final of that cool soccer competition where the public vote via sms to select the challengers. Wham bang 43 millions smses are sent off vodacoms website in 37 minutes.There is a strong lesson to be taken here.

Today the Cape Times reported that disgruntled white people are up in arms about the Sports Ministries attack on their Bok emblem, wham bang, 8 people marched down Roeland street to Parliament yesterday.

Uniform item 3: Standard issue outdated bonehead eye apparel.

Oh my fuck arre you kidding. 8 people. Just 8 people? Were the other 99 992 caught in traffic?

You can´t play a competitive game of touch with 8 people. There were probably more people ordering those cute pink cupcakes at Charlie´s Bakery on the way down Roeland. Brothers can fit more than 8 people on the back seat of a newly privatized minibus taxi. MPs can take more family members on overseas holidays with one flight coupon. Puke Watson could invite more people over for a braai and USN shake. Okay, that is a lie but you get my point.

I would also assume that this massive mob of Bok protesters are uber stoked at making it into the papers this morning. Although I am not sure if people laughing at the ridiculousness of the sight of 8 irate marchers is akin to getting your point across.

I wish I could have seen the face of the security guard at the pearly gates. He must have been pissing him. ¨eh, please stand behind the stantion sir! eh, protesting? eh...and then¨.

I wonder if the lead Springbok zealot turned to his army and cried, ´Bokke, what are your profession?´ Marvelous.

Apparently they were disbanded in an orderly fashion before 2pm though and the Cape Town Elderly Women Against Drugs and Senseless Killing had amassed 9 people to march on Parliament to save the Robben Island rabbits. They had 9 supporters, one more than the Bok.

Two try debut...

I am not one hundred percent sure where I have been the past few weeks, but it seems I let this one slip past the keeper. Well I have shamefully retrieved it from the back of the net and handing it to you on a pillow.



On the 3rd October UCT RFC most expensive export, Matt Turner, touched down twice in his debut at new English Club Bristol in the EDF Energy Cup.

Not only did Turner score twice he was also monumental of defense with a massive try saving hit and scintillating on attack with some impressive line breaks. Check out the write up at www.bristolrugby.co.uk/5633.php.

How do you think WP feel about not even selecting this guy for u21 side.

Oh and his debut was against the Northhampton Saints, ie: Carlos Spencer´s team...

*Turner is currently in England´s 7s coach Ben Ryan´s 26 man training squad that will be cut to twelve for the Dubai 7s tournament in November.

Your father´s blessing...

People aren´t old fashioned enough these days. No I wasn´t around when Frank swung ladies around d-floors in a tux but I have heard about the new age interpretation of Black Tie as a dress code and one would be forgiven for thinking society´s handle on class seems to be slipping. This is why this is so priceless.

Just the right amount of truth..!

Your dad is onto something there pal...

You have to enjoy mother-in-law and sister/cousin/brother-in-law to be in the front here.

Thanks dad.

Seemingly fair...

Tighten the belt, or get it out?

til I die...

Hull City til I die, Hull City til I die..!



Okay, we don´t seriously support Hull City, actually couldn´t even find them on a map, but very stoked the fairytale came true and they beat West Ham 1-0.


Hull 4, London 0.

Summer Monday...


Bikini contest? Survey the crowd, some priceless back ground action going on.

I predict a riot...

Oh wait, that could be another British band with football connections. Never mind, the point is this is one of those cool uncanny coincidences that gets the mind a marveling.

Hull City football side got moved up to the English Premier division this season and are doing fairly well. They are sitting at the business end of the log so far after victories against big names like Arsenal, Fulham, Tottenham.

Housemartins: Because we knew Backstreet Boys would be taken.

Here is the trivia: In the 1980s an English indie pop rock band the Housemartins, who hail from Hull City released their first album in 1986 entitled
London 0, Hull 4.

Predicting a further hit...number 17!

As you do the math you will realise that Arsenal, Fulham and Tottenham are all London based football clubs. London 0, Hull 3. And today, Hull match up against Westham United. Another London side. I predict a riot?

Addendum: Former Housemartins member Norman Cook, left the band and became the world famous Fatboy slim.

Trivia: Rockstar 1, Rockstar readers 0.

Red flag on blue flag...

Shock horror. Something awful is going on at our own piece of pristine wonderland. It appears a thick tar like substance is trickling out of a pipe onto Clifton 2 (a close cousin of rockstar beach) but thankfully 2nd - as the locals throw it around - is enough of a distant cousin of rockstar beach, for RSB to be untainted and still in pristine condition.


Authorities are perplexed as to what the substance is exactly. Last time there was copious amounts of red ooze all over clifton summers of 02 through to 07 authorities suspected it was somehow linked to the red bait phenomenon but further investigation found it the be the blood of any touch team that stood in the way of Rockstar crowning glory as team of the season.


Authorities have ruled out black bait as that doesn´t exist but some are speculating that Puke Watson bought an apartment in C2, and while he eats his spaghetti bolognaise alone, and did his laundry alone, he drank a bottle of black sambuca only to try numb the pain at not being a viable line-out option...

It´s a sign...


No really, I promise you it is a sign...

A yield sign I think, so you need not stop, just gear down.

Philanthropy gets you laid...

Okay, I haven´t tested this idea but it makes perfect sense. Whilst you are clad in nothing but khaki cargo pants and a dusty vest bottle feeding Kenyan aids orphan out of your self-funded mobile goodwill charity shelter for underprivileged African baby orphans, and a busload of European glamour models on a shoot for Vogues new African summer theme arrives you are guaranteed to be woken up with ´good morning gorgeous´ mouthed in Italian, French and Spanish the next morning.

I promise you guys, she fell out of the sky just like that vodacom ad with those Bushmen guys. I think it is called a parachute...

The more I think about it the more philanthropy appeals to me. We are as such starting a charity. We urge you, we implore you, we beg you, we appeal to your better conscious and good will, please will you donate any money, asset of value or voyager miles to our cause. We are sending Puke Watson overseas...

If you were taller, you could reach for it yourself...

´Controversial loose forward Luke Watson has several lucrative offers from clubs abroad should he wish to continue his career outside South Africa.

In an interview with the Breakfast team of the Bloemfontein-based radio station, OFM, Watson's agent Jason Smith confirmed that "we have had some interest from overseas clubs" for Watson for the last 12 months.

"If Luke decides that he wants to play in Europe, these opportunities will definitely be available," Smith told the radio station.

Watson's father, Cheeky Watson, confirmed "there is already a big offer on the table."´

Fuckin awesome. If they are playing for his whey shakes, and nervousa counselling, I will personally drive the fundraiser for his airfare. Fuck it, he is flying first class. I hear the toilets are closer to the seats in case he gets airsick, or just sick of being short.

Leaving on a j-et plane, don´t know if we want you back again...

Admittedly the press in SA are so screwed up that the article intimates a move abroad yet, when you read the quotes you can see the subject was merely discussed in passing rather than with actual purpose. So don´t get your hopes up. He probably isn´t going anywhere.Although this was also in the article and I love how the opportunity to comment on a side issue was taken.

´But Watson Snr said: "Luke is born in South Africa. Why must he pack his bags? And I believe deep in my heart that the overwhelming majority of the Afrikaans speaking people don't see any colour."´

How is the second part of that anywhere related to the question?

Excuse Mr Henson, where will you e going for summer? ´After graduation I will spend some time on Clifton 4, and yes I think you should vote for Obama just because his economic policies seem more in line with alleviating the situation of the middle and lower class than aiming to further entrench the large economic class disparity across America. Thank you for your time.´