RSLJ Article 17 The yellow jersey
I have never envied guys that have to actively go out and search for the attentions of members of the opposite sex. You empathize with them and as true as fuck recognized how blessed you are that you aren’t like them…
-Third from the left. You might as well bullzeye her as the one to avoid..!
The abject souls that don’t, by virtue of how they were constructed, attract females naturally have to pursue other means to do so and we're lucky bastards that we don’t have to employ such tactics.
We don’t have to dress in outrageous attention attracting clothing, we don’t need to read self-help pick up books, join online underground chat rooms to share social deficits with like programmed individuals or carry material in our back pocket to rapid fire predetermined lines on unsuspecting girls.
I have never thought I would have chosen to have this power any other way, and I am sure you are just as proud of being given this gift we so rightly deserve but I have learnt two crucial things that go hand in hand with this power. And I need to share them with you.
1. With great power comes great responsibility.
It’s funny how some clichés say what you mean so succinctly. If you have the power, you learn soon after discovering its’ existence how dangerous it can be and how it loses strength when you abuse it. But I am not going to pronounce to you how to use your power as that would be beyond my scope; instead I want to move onto crucial thing 2.
2. You can’t turn it off.
Humour me. The following body language dialogue might better elucidate my point.
[Seeking refuge from DJ Buddha’s blaring hip-hop beats our subject, Dan, ascends the glass staircase to enjoy his Heineken from the upstairs section overlooking the D-floor.] [Enter petite blinged-up girl in black cocktail dress]
[The Turtle element of our Dan's entourage whispers into the ear of Dan that the girl is ‘known for her horizontal aspirations’ whilst petite girl, Suzie the floozy, detaches from her own trail of followers and approaches Dan]
[body conversation ensues, translation in bold]
Suzie: Feet agape hips forward, shoulders back she arches her neck like a cat and flings her hair around like an Omaha dust devil, cocks her head to one side, flashes a small pink tongue across JIK white teeth and drives her eyes into poor Dan’s retinas.
T: I am here to fuck you.
S: Churn out impressive routine of Pussy Cat Dolls dance moves with sexy group of whore-friends, seductively throwing fuck me spears after every pirouette…and girl-giggling at every eye contact.
T: Look how good I look when I move. Imagine me in my porn costumes dancing this repertoire out on your bare chest. I reek of sex appeal.
D: The bemused look of blank male interest, eyebrows raised, pupils dilating like a concentric
egg in an microwave, subsequently followed by the classic snap out of it brow furrowing squint of skepticism.
T: Yes you do look good but in a fantasy kind of way and in reality it would be prudent of me to point out that if this was St Petersburg, Russian in the late 18th century Fyodor would insist you carry a ‘yellow card’ with you to signify your profession. You reek of sexual liaisons with more men than Helen launched boats and hence have no appeal to me.
S: Standing right in front of her prey seductively sucking on the end of her index finger whilst dancing up and down a hypothetical pole.
T: Look at me, fucking me will be fun…
D: Looks of disinterest, despite surreptitious glances of captivation and appreciation.
T: You’re like the Garden of Eden’s tree snake! Look sweetheart, you’re a sight to behold and I love these shows but I'm used to paying to watch them from the safety of a bouncer protected leather booth. I am sure partaking in hedonistic gymnastics with you would be fun but you understand my reticence as I doubt 4 months of urinating accompanied with a searing burn sensations is worth having that fun!
S: Backs her booty shaky and ‘oh-so’ tight rear end right into our poor defense-less rockstar whilst rocking her head from side to side with every ‘this is why’ ‘this is why’ ‘this is why’ I am hot.
T: Theatrics aside, I have intentions with you. They are sexual. And I want you to know.
D: The big Joe Rokocoko left foot swirl and away. Shut the gate, and turn away seeking comfort in the depth of the entourage.
T: Scared, frightened, helpless and way too cute for his own good, like a baby ocelot at a petting zoo, I can’t play this game with you slut bag.
It is at this point it is useful to interject and outline the problem faced by naturals. Most girls are so indignant at not getting the attention, usually thrown on
them by men of lesser means, they think you are playing hard to get, so up their attempt at ‘getting’. I suppose we are the victim of the Cat-String Theory. It is worthy to employ this against girls you fancy, but the corollary is that when you truly are trying to avoid the girls you don’t want you fall victim to your own ploy. Woe is us…
S: The classic ‘find a reason to brush past’ tactic, walk past and brush a lingering limp hand against Dan’s rock hard ab-inductors.
T: Are you shy? Or are you only playing hard to get? Well I am prepared to come get the hard that I want…
D: Standing his ground. Refusing to be chased around the club like this is a perverse neon night time no pool game of marco polo.
T: Okay, that’s twice girl. Touch me again and I am going to start popping ARVs.
Unperturbed by a lack of concert with her advances she ups her game. Gold star for effort, but black mark for annoyance. I shouldn’t have flexed when she hand dragged by abs muses Dan.
[The Turtle element of our Dan's entourage whispers into the ear of Dan that the girl is ‘known for her horizontal aspirations’ whilst petite girl, Suzie the floozy, detaches from her own trail of followers and approaches Dan]
[body conversation ensues, translation in bold]
Suzie: Feet agape hips forward, shoulders back she arches her neck like a cat and flings her hair around like an Omaha dust devil, cocks her head to one side, flashes a small pink tongue across JIK white teeth and drives her eyes into poor Dan’s retinas.
T: I am here to fuck you.
Dan: Hold gaze for fraction of a second, slow Tim Riggins sip of green bottle and turn
back to converse with entourage.
T: I can see that, and by the look of you, a lovely time we would certainly have. Unfortunately however my ear is close to the ground of the social scene in which we act and apparently your less than admirable reputation precedes you! I see two options: I can be the better man and refuse to add my name to your long list of sexual exploits, or continue imbibing my Holland-made lager and hopefully douse the flames of my conscious and forget what was just whispered into my ear.
back to converse with entourage.T: I can see that, and by the look of you, a lovely time we would certainly have. Unfortunately however my ear is close to the ground of the social scene in which we act and apparently your less than admirable reputation precedes you! I see two options: I can be the better man and refuse to add my name to your long list of sexual exploits, or continue imbibing my Holland-made lager and hopefully douse the flames of my conscious and forget what was just whispered into my ear.
S: Churn out impressive routine of Pussy Cat Dolls dance moves with sexy group of whore-friends, seductively throwing fuck me spears after every pirouette…and girl-giggling at every eye contact.
T: Look how good I look when I move. Imagine me in my porn costumes dancing this repertoire out on your bare chest. I reek of sex appeal.
D: The bemused look of blank male interest, eyebrows raised, pupils dilating like a concentric
egg in an microwave, subsequently followed by the classic snap out of it brow furrowing squint of skepticism.T: Yes you do look good but in a fantasy kind of way and in reality it would be prudent of me to point out that if this was St Petersburg, Russian in the late 18th century Fyodor would insist you carry a ‘yellow card’ with you to signify your profession. You reek of sexual liaisons with more men than Helen launched boats and hence have no appeal to me.
S: Standing right in front of her prey seductively sucking on the end of her index finger whilst dancing up and down a hypothetical pole.
T: Look at me, fucking me will be fun…
D: Looks of disinterest, despite surreptitious glances of captivation and appreciation.
T: You’re like the Garden of Eden’s tree snake! Look sweetheart, you’re a sight to behold and I love these shows but I'm used to paying to watch them from the safety of a bouncer protected leather booth. I am sure partaking in hedonistic gymnastics with you would be fun but you understand my reticence as I doubt 4 months of urinating accompanied with a searing burn sensations is worth having that fun!
S: Backs her booty shaky and ‘oh-so’ tight rear end right into our poor defense-less rockstar whilst rocking her head from side to side with every ‘this is why’ ‘this is why’ ‘this is why’ I am hot.
T: Theatrics aside, I have intentions with you. They are sexual. And I want you to know.
D: The big Joe Rokocoko left foot swirl and away. Shut the gate, and turn away seeking comfort in the depth of the entourage.T: Scared, frightened, helpless and way too cute for his own good, like a baby ocelot at a petting zoo, I can’t play this game with you slut bag.
It is at this point it is useful to interject and outline the problem faced by naturals. Most girls are so indignant at not getting the attention, usually thrown on
them by men of lesser means, they think you are playing hard to get, so up their attempt at ‘getting’. I suppose we are the victim of the Cat-String Theory. It is worthy to employ this against girls you fancy, but the corollary is that when you truly are trying to avoid the girls you don’t want you fall victim to your own ploy. Woe is us…S: The classic ‘find a reason to brush past’ tactic, walk past and brush a lingering limp hand against Dan’s rock hard ab-inductors.
T: Are you shy? Or are you only playing hard to get? Well I am prepared to come get the hard that I want…
D: Standing his ground. Refusing to be chased around the club like this is a perverse neon night time no pool game of marco polo.
T: Okay, that’s twice girl. Touch me again and I am going to start popping ARVs.
Unperturbed by a lack of concert with her advances she ups her game. Gold star for effort, but black mark for annoyance. I shouldn’t have flexed when she hand dragged by abs muses Dan.
S: Drapes arms around stringy looking fellow standing next to Dan.
T: Look how hot and available I am, I can flirt easily with any guy, he wants me. He is hitting on me. Everyone here wants me. I can have anyone here.
D: Sneaky peak over left shoulder to confirm club coordinates of slutty stalker.
T: Oh god she is such trash. I bet she thinks everyone here wants her, but doubt she realizes it is because they all know they can have her. Hey, my beer needs replacing!
Departure towards upstairs bar. Arrival at upstairs bar.
D: Eye-contact with cute bar lady in hot pants, eyes to empty bottle, cute 'my beer is empty and I am sad look' so fetch me one hot pants!
S: Giggling, spluttering, glossed over with street bought maybelline, with a nose-tweaking pungent flower smells rising of her scalp she sidles up next to me batting fake eyelashes. She smells like the change room at a transvestite competition would smell I suppose.
T: I smell nice. Want to taste how nice I taste?
D: The ‘questioning eyes’?
T: What precisely is it I can assist you with powder puff? I can see now how you bed so many guys with those puppy eyes...!
S: The classic cocky up-down your frame then glances over herself look! Tongue pushed out
slightly between teeth waiting for an answer!
T: This is it big boy, I want you, you must want me, now are you going to take me or not?
D: Blank retarded glassy look.
T: God, Heineken tastes good. God, she is still here. I hope Heinkie van der Merwe gets a run on Saturday. He was really impressive in the super 14. Anchor of the Lions scrum.
S: Disbelief!
T: Disbelief.
D: The coach Taylor narrow gaze with tight mouth and angry cheeks.
T: Why are you still here?
It was maybe at this point that we realize being ridiculously good looking has a downside.
S: Stretches out the little paw of a thousand hand-jobs and grabs Dan’s wenis.
T: I want sex.
D: A combination of slashing, bashing, pushing, reeling, covering and turning.
T: Armageddon, fuck hell you little whore you touched my wenis. You horrible hoe. Back the fuck away. I must respectfully decline your generous offer but there is no way in Hades that I am going to even consider testing the strong rumour that you carry more infectious diseases than the quarantined Petri dish laboratory at the local medical research university’s centre for infectious diseases. Now leave…me…alone.
T: Look how hot and available I am, I can flirt easily with any guy, he wants me. He is hitting on me. Everyone here wants me. I can have anyone here.
D: Sneaky peak over left shoulder to confirm club coordinates of slutty stalker.
T: Oh god she is such trash. I bet she thinks everyone here wants her, but doubt she realizes it is because they all know they can have her. Hey, my beer needs replacing!
Departure towards upstairs bar. Arrival at upstairs bar.
D: Eye-contact with cute bar lady in hot pants, eyes to empty bottle, cute 'my beer is empty and I am sad look' so fetch me one hot pants!
S: Giggling, spluttering, glossed over with street bought maybelline, with a nose-tweaking pungent flower smells rising of her scalp she sidles up next to me batting fake eyelashes. She smells like the change room at a transvestite competition would smell I suppose.
T: I smell nice. Want to taste how nice I taste?
D: The ‘questioning eyes’?
T: What precisely is it I can assist you with powder puff? I can see now how you bed so many guys with those puppy eyes...!
S: The classic cocky up-down your frame then glances over herself look! Tongue pushed out
slightly between teeth waiting for an answer!T: This is it big boy, I want you, you must want me, now are you going to take me or not?
D: Blank retarded glassy look.
T: God, Heineken tastes good. God, she is still here. I hope Heinkie van der Merwe gets a run on Saturday. He was really impressive in the super 14. Anchor of the Lions scrum.
S: Disbelief!
T: Disbelief.
D: The coach Taylor narrow gaze with tight mouth and angry cheeks.T: Why are you still here?
It was maybe at this point that we realize being ridiculously good looking has a downside.
S: Stretches out the little paw of a thousand hand-jobs and grabs Dan’s wenis.
T: I want sex.
D: A combination of slashing, bashing, pushing, reeling, covering and turning.
T: Armageddon, fuck hell you little whore you touched my wenis. You horrible hoe. Back the fuck away. I must respectfully decline your generous offer but there is no way in Hades that I am going to even consider testing the strong rumour that you carry more infectious diseases than the quarantined Petri dish laboratory at the local medical research university’s centre for infectious diseases. Now leave…me…alone.
I impart with this life knowledge to you because I am sure many of you out there share this problem and will be faced with a situation where that 'no feeling' runs through your veins like a kitten in an open field...
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