A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away ... Wait, actually, cut the bullshit. I'm upset, very upset. Having chosen to visit my rather considerable rosckstarish charms upon the so-called Mother City this festive season, I must admit I expected a lot. Aim for the stars, and you may land on the moon, so the saying goes. The rest of the saying, which most will not remember, is that you should you overshoot you may land in DogTown - and I do not mean the skater trash movie.
Cape Town 'model season' has earned somewhat of a reputation, and needless to say has a lot to answer for. As I sit, lotus-position, and type I am surrounded by a bevy of, well, not beauties. Expecting an influx of Scandivanian multiple-birth sisters, I took up a Tom Cruise รก la Cocktail-style job in order to be suitably positioned to be taken advantage of. Now I've seen the movie, and I'm a damn sight better than looking than Tom Cruise, and, goddamnit, it's 'model season' but by Great Oden's Raven, if Tom Cruise doesn't see a far-sight more better looking women than I have (even given the dodgy 80's hair) then I'm not Rockstar. In which case, I wouldn't be writing this article. Preposterous. Quat erat demonstratum.
Not, of course, to say that their haven't been any, but certainly I feel my powers could have been put to better use. (Note to self, try harder to conceal superhuman powers.) We would not, however, be the superior beings we claimed to be if we provided you with at least one solution. In this case, we'll throw in an extra one free - just like when you buy the left shoe.
In those cases where you may see some potential, but aren't sure as it obscured behind puppy fat, suggest this approach, as recommended by the dieticians over at WWTD:
Step 1: Take 1 chicken breast
Step 2: Fillet chicken breast
Step 3: Throw away chicken breast
In cases where the problem is largely above the neck (balaclava model, perhaps?) we suggest these nifty extreme makeovers, available for a mere $2.95 on the world wide web.
In extreme cases, use two
Or you could just be a rockstar, get out there and find yourself a real model. Hey, if Seal can do it ...
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