Monday....

Sometimes reason does usurp basic education...but what are you going to do, pop out of a cupcake?

The Showdown...



If it hasn't dawned on you yet it should start happening right about now, like the sun rising and piercing through the gaping whole you left when you drew the curtains and hitting you smack bang in the big hangover part of your forehead...

Saturday's clash is going to be epic. I doubt it is going to overthrow the 2005 Rose Bowl as my greatest sporting event of all time but it is going to be right up there...

19h35 Local Time, 07h35 GMT and 09h35 SA time...


Hurricanes: 15 Isaia Toeava, 14 Lome Fa'atau, 13 Ma'a Nonu, 12 Tana Umaga, 11 Shannon Paku, 10 David Holwell, 9 Piri Weepu, 8 Rodney So'oialo (captain), 7 Chris Masoe, 6 Jerry Collins, 5 Jason Eaton, 4 Paul Tito, 3 Neemia Tialata, 2 Andrew Hore, 1 John Schwalger.Replacements: 16 Luke Mahoney, 17 Joe McDonnell, 18 Luke Andrews, 19 Thomas Waldrom, 20 Brendan Haami, 21 Jimmy Gopperth, 22 Tamati Ellison

Crusaders: 15 Leon MacDonald, 14 Rico Gear, 13 Casey Laulala, 12 Aaron Mauger, 11 Scott Hamilton, 10 Daniel Carter, 9 Kevin Senio, 8 Mose Tuiali'i, 7 Richard McCaw (captain), 6 Reuben Thorne, 5 Ross Filipo, 4 Chris Jack, 3 Greg Somerville, 2 Corey Flynn, 1 Wyatt Crockett.Replacements: 16 Tone Kopelani, 17 Campbell Johnstone, 18 Johnny Leo'o, 19 Tanerau Latimer, 20 Stephen Brett, 21 Cameron McIntyre, 22 Caleb Ralph

Great Expectations...

"Too whom much is given much is expected...!" We here at rockstar adore this adage as it relates so pertinently to what we are about here. No we are not about giving and expecting, but we were given much so we know that from us much is expected…

----------------------------------------Welcomed by a bevy of Angels....
Over and above our unmatched good looks, abundant intelligence, sick ass sex appeal, sporting talent that knows no boundaries, EQ that rivals cosmo readers, amazing dress sense, effervescent keyboard skill and our ability to pilfer good looking angels from competing sites we have another quality that is far more important; we have you as a readership. And because this much has been given we are sentient that much is expected…

It is for this reason that we scoured the world for someone that could match the high level of posting that goes on here, someone that would easily fulfill the necessary requirements and then set the bar for some more, someone that despite a busy life and hectic schedule would make time to entertain you as any rockstar would. (he also raised the average height of contributors to above 6’2’’ of which we are immensely proud)


Rockstars and showstoppers we give to you, the Docstar…

And if God will send his angels...


Okay so angels are only meant to arrive on monday's but the angel parade came earlier this year and the opening of Da Vinci Code brought us one fine halo-sporting celestial being, Audrey Tautou aka Sophie Neveu...


I thought the movie itself was shit. I suppose you shouldn't expect a bad book to become a better movie especially when the only interesting parts of the book don't translate onto a silver screen. As anticlimatic as the movie was young Audrey the Angel has a corker. She has those cute little french idiosyncrasies that make you want to stop kotching in your overpriced coke cup at Hank's performance and sit 'bolt' (intended) upright and enjoy her captivating self.


The fact that she is actually meant to be a direct descendent of Jesus in the film make her claim to angelness only more solid. Oh and if that ruined the movie for you, reading the book ruined one of my holidays so fair is fair...

An open letter to “That Guy” from gym…

Attention “That Guy”

I profusely apologise for not bringing such a pertinent issue to the fore at a sooner date. My timing is tardy but like the anecdote prevails, I suppose it is better late than never.

I am going to go out on a limb here and make the judgment call that one of the reasons you spend 4 hours a day in the gym is not because say, you have been struggling to ascertain sponsorship funding so you can continue your doctoral thesis study in ‘The non-variations in the metabolic reproduction rate of single celled organisms in a controlled environment’. However I will also venture that my reference to ‘single-celled organisms’ brings me to the answer for your excessive gym time that you have the intellectual ability of aforementioned single-celled organism.

I admit referring to your cerebral capacity as akin to that of an amoeba is fairly harsh but as you will, or actually probably won’t, remember from our recent conversation at the Smith’s Machine I have good grounding for my argument.

It was with much astonishment that I received your well elucidated point about how (and I quote) ‘the best way to get guns like mine (yours) is through hard work and dedication’. The sly wink you threw in after your interesting and profound advice was somewhat badly received by my homophobic tendencies but my astonishment stems from, why are you giving me arm advice when I am squatting? Why are you giving me advice period? Why are you near me whilst I am squatting anyway?

Moving along to the content of your quote I would like to point out some skepticism and my own advice. Firstly does your idea of ‘hard work’ refer to the mission it is to clean the blade of USN shaker that you were holding in your hand after you have loaded it with powdered goodies from our friend Shaneen around the corner? Secondly, why does your acclaimed dedication only extend to your arm workouts? Because surely if you didn’t just allocate your 4 hours in gym training to your biceps, triceps, a vigorous session on the abs circuit and the mandatory 1 hour lean against the water dispenser hounding the innocent spinning class, you could maybe try work on the bottom half of your body.

I am sure you are proud of the fact that you are more ripped than Achilles in a Roman legionnaire’s breast plate and your ‘guns’ are so large you are forced to walk around the free weights section talking on your hands free kit, but the fact that your calves and quads are similar in size to an Olympic Ethiopian middle distances runner makes you look fairly disproportionate, and unfortunately those skin tight puma pants don't hide this. (The humpy-dumpy egg on legs heckle from behind the bench press wasn’t me but is testament to my point)

Please don’t be offended by my comments they are more like positive criticism than cynical ridicule. For instances, if you did work on your legs, you could probably pick up and walk with the 55s to do dumbbell press instead of foot rolling it like it was a skateboard but then again that means you would have to put down your cellphone.

I hope you haven’t taken offence to my points and will earnestly try think, if that is possible, about what I have said. However if the only thing you take from this is to stop approaching me with irrelevant advice whilst I am doing repetitions that is fine with me.

Sincerest Regards,
GH

Hurricanes...Hurricanes…!!!

I resisted the urge to shout my mouth off about a possible Hurricanes semi-final victory just in case I was made to eat humble pie again, oh and so I can now rub it even more…

GO THE FUCKIN ‘CANES…!!!!!!!!!

Bring on Jade...

WHY2K…?

I think that title is fairly witty don’t you. Well at least not until I explain why. You see we just received our 2000th hit. Admittedly that is a great deal less hits than your average Kenilworth tik addict street kid but it’s pretty good considering we’re just a site run by two brother, with internet access, sharing a cell in Foxriver Prison and not orientalwhore.com. (the part about who we are might be untruthful)

Due to the nature of our blog we haven’t been too perturbed at the low rise in hits. From the start we didn’t expect to rise from being an unknown entity to a celebrated must read quicker than say, Wendell Sailor is leaving the NSW Waratahs' to continue his career on the wing for the Bogotá Bashers. (heard the perks in the Columbian league are plentiful) However our reserved enthusiasm was unfounded and we are now getting smacked around online…

We can only attribute our success to our merry band of rock star readers. Internationally (like America, Georgetown, the Seychelles and Malaysia) people have picked up on our quiet little piece of Eden online and regularly have a check in to see whats on the go. If you’re one of them, Thanks pal!!!

Yes rockstars we are immensely happy, fuck it I’m going out on a limb here, we are happier than Sean Clarkie after an 8 month drought followed by a night of passion on the dance floor of tiger with a cute blonde sexy set of Australian hands in his undershorts.

To celebrate we are going to publish for you this wondrous little quip. The Waratahs’ were rocked in their Wellington hotel room last night by an earthquake that measured 7.4 on the Richter’s scale. All the sleeping players were woken except loosie Stephan Hoiles.

His quip: “I don’t get out of bed for anything under 7,5!”

Priceless - What a rockstar. What a pity Jerry Collins, Chris Masoe and Rodney Soialo add up to at least 40 on the scale…

Old Boys Day...

I loved school. I really did. It was a fantastic time of my life and I look back on it with enormous relish. The reason for this could possibly be that I went to one of the best schools in the country! However, I do have one minor consideration to take into account now that I have seen the grass (or lack there of) on the other side, and in retrospect I wish my school-sending parents had looked further abroad like say...South Flordia???




This is Erica Chevillar, and she is 25. She also teaches at West Boca Raton High. South Florida. She is also, and somewhat conveniently so, a member of the USA Bikini team! The school was a little upset with this. I don't see how that is possible. Class attendence must have been through the roof, although possibly quite literally as every boy in the school would probably attend her classes...


Come to think of it was tertiary education is not stearing me in my desired direction. Maybe I should go back to High School...?

Ex POST facto...

We have erred badly in failing to highlight an important international event but will try apologise by doing so ex post facto-ly! A very wise man once laid his frail hand on my shoulder, pierced my frontal lobe with his pale blue eyes, and said: ‘Son, there are two certainties in life! Death and Nurses…’

I always knew my first spiritual encounter with a God was going to be special but I never expected it to be so profoundly true. (was actually kinda hoping he was going to turn my swimming pool to MGD but apparently miracles don’t happen on the first date) Anyway the man is horribly correct. People have plagiarised and paraphrased this insight of genius by replacing ‘nurses’ with ‘taxes’ but Brett Kebble and his ‘art’ foundation are testament to what bollocks that is…

Nurses are more certain than an acquittal of a vice-president on rape charges! And yes this past week was International Nurse’s Week. From the 6th May to the 12th nurses’ world wide celebrated Florence Nightingale’s profession and undoubtedly went on a world wide satisfying patients crusade.

I hope they were successful and you were a recipient…

Mother's Day Monday...


What better way to celebrate women the day after mother's day than by digging up that deeply hidden Oedipus complex we all carry around. I think everyone has an Oedipus complex, except over other guys' moms not their own. Fair enough I guess.

Moving along. Varsity lost to Maties 26-27. Varsity snatched defeat from the jaws of victory and were probably the better side on the day, but it will never be remembered like that, instead it will be the day the varsity side were lank lucky not to take more. Absolute bullshit though, and the return match will prove that. September 23rd, hold your breath.


This is just here cause it is funny, and true...

Derby Day…

Whether it is challenging your suburban neighbour to a winter lawn grow off, dicing the ‘gae’ in his supped up Honda civic to the next red light, racing that annoying granny to the last barbeque chicekn sandwhich at 24 hour woolworths or just taking on those loud mouth sea point motherfuckers at a not-so-friendly game of Clifton 4 touch competition rages hard within the human spirit!

When competition is alive something kicks into the human psyche and you take on the task of opening that can of whoop ass with enormous relish! However, it is the ingredient of facing your arch-rival that converts the match from a backyard slap around to a test match of epic proportion.

This weekend heralds the advent of one huge such epic derby. No not the Crusaders hosting the Brumbies, no not the 'Tahs hosting the Canes and no certainly not the ‘blue and white striped’ men of SACS hosting the marauding Westerford mauves in the Dean Street Derby. The event? Intervarsity!

Maties hosting Ikeys has years of history to it that will ensure that any clash to come in the future is based on such a rich vein of importance that either side will stop at nothing to take the glory. Fair the history of the results indicate a theme of one sidedness through time in favour of those boerewors eating, brandy drinking, first channel bashing barbaric Mongoloids but that increases the hype as a UCT victory is so unexpected that when it does happen it is monumental.

Bar David Ricketts leading a mediocre side to an unanticipated victory in 2004, Varsity hasn’t beaten Maties at home in 29 years. Yet eight busloads of inebriated UCT supporters (half of which will be horny first year girls) will venture to the other side of the boerewors curtain to watch their teams take their chances against one of the most respected rugby clubs in the world. It is going to be epic.

The Best Policy?


It has to be honesty right, the best policy? Well I am going to be brutally honest. Chuck you better have the shower head ready and prepared because you look so dashing in that stetson it is tantamount to a young girl donning a sarong, which means old HIV over here is going to have his way with you... We know that glint in his eye...

You choose…

So as rockstar things go if you’re a pretty decent looking fellow, with a nice career full of potential and have some what of an ability to woo good looking ladies you are almost guaranteed to crack the nod. Bar any family history of red hair or a childhood nickname of the Una-bomber (because you act like Ted Kaczynski or cause you resemble him) you probably are a bit of a rockstar.

Hypothetically, say those decent good looks were more akin to say cover model looks, the nice career was one playing pro football for the Arizona Cardinals and the young lady you are wooing is in fact all over you, and she happens to look like, actually happens to be, Paris Hilton and not only that but you stole her from straight under the large roman proboscis of a Greek guy who has more yachts on the Mediterranean than he has hairs on his head. Well the Greek guy I speak of is Niarchos Stavros, he is hairy, and that isn’t a hypothetical situation cause it is Matt Leinart’s life in one paragraph.

The Rockstar Standard Bar was just raised a few bars…

This was posted on the most up-to-date celebrity gossip blog available, wwtdd.com, earlier this week:

"A rumor that has been around for a while picked up steam today, namely that Paris Hilton is crushing on USC quarterback Matt Leinart. Sources confirmed their friendship after Hilton was seen wearing a brown wig on a date with the Heismann Trophy winner earlier this week."

And then later this week:

"Stavros arrived around 1a.m. and spent an hour crying and ringing her door bell, begging to be let in. Around 2 am Paris finally let him in and the screaming continued. We are told they were so loud the fight could be heard outside the house. Stavros was heard hollering 'Take me back!' and 'I give you everything!' Sources say during the fight Matt Leinart's name was brought up a few times ...”

Well if you spent your day bleak that you haven’t achieved enough in your allotment of years so far, this probably makes it worse…

I swear to Godot...

I am by no means the biggest religious person around. In fact I am nearer to being an atheist than Godot is to being punctual. I have had my fair share of religious education; went to a private school with a big chapel and I once had this enlightened experience with a bevy of angels.

I don’t believe there is a heaven but I certainly believe there are angels. I will get back to this point. However, despite my non-believer status I don’t have any judgment to pass on those that do. In fact I regularly quote the holy scriptures as a means to either embarrass someone’s immoral actions or merely as a lovely turn of phrase, kinda like how just used ‘pass judgment’.

Our biggest resource of interesting information, religious and mostly otherwise, is collegehumor.com and this is what they gave me this week, like manna from heaven.

Deuteronomy 25:11-12 (New International Version)
11 If two men are fighting and the wife of one of them comes to rescue her husband from his assailant, and she reaches out and seizes him by his private parts, 12 you shall cut off her hand. Show her no pity.

Proverbs 25:24 (New International Version)
24 Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.

Amazing! I can’t fault this logic. Yes 'show no pity' could be construed as harsh and it goes against what Mr T so regularly purports but if a girl seizes your private parts in such a manner it must be fiar. Although admittedly I think the NIV version of the bible is akin to Puff Daddy’s version of ‘Every breath you take’, a gross corruption, but who am I to mock the bible.

Now back to the angels point. As we have mentioned before having your site pillaged by rockstar journals is a huge accolade. What can we say? Splattermail gets a gold star!

See should have wings, or at least a halo...

And to the world, Rockstar gave it's only son ...


They say no good deed goes unpunished. I say no good deed get's noticed, and that whenever you slip up there's an small elf behind using a very large whip to good effect.
That's an analogy if you're struggling.

That being said, remember this, as a Rockstar (aspiring or otherwise) you can do a far sight worse than arriving arriving at an event so late as to just catch the end. Write that down. No pen? Remember it then. It is, thus, with great pride that I would like to wish our very own GH #12 a happy #23.

Though it may be a week late when someone is so ridiculously good-looking, supremely talented, charming and witty it might be overlooked. Enough about me though. We here at The Rockstar Journals (a quick look around the room reveals, well, me again) hope that our only international inside centre - although, it may be slightly to the left by some accounts - had a phenomenal birthday week, overflowing with white horses, beer poured from dizzying heights and rock & roll.

GMS...

There are those of you out there that are such ardent rockstar fans that we just have to make the slightest of references to a previous post and you pick up on it quicker than smooth-talker on an easy girl. Here is a perfect example! I used the term 'easy girl' you thought 'fishhoek crackwhore', but today my reference is not to girls from the peninsula with dubious morality but it’s in the title - GMS.

For those of you that aren’t proud fans I will save you the disappointment of realizing it and the hassle of scratching through the archives to sleuth for it. What I refer to is from one of our very first Rockstar Journal Articles. Here ...

Now save me the post space and go read it, I’m only giving you this extract:
For dancing up on the stage was what could only have been a gay male stripper (GMS).

So why do I bring it up you ask, you inquisitive son o’ bitch? Quite simply because the man has surfaced again…

Similar: Just replace hot russian looking girl with apple sourz

Besides a rather embarrassing incident where aforementioned GMS brought rockstar a southern comfort at 10am in the morning and made him down it whilst massaged his bare chest, (could this be the reason he left for Europe?) the AMAZING specimen hasn’t been seen since. UNTIL NOW…

The disturbing thing is the GMS has surfaced in the strangest place possible. UCT Rugby Club. I don’t know how he got there, or where he came from but he is there. I don’t know how security was breached but he got in and someone has to put a stop to it.

We have little details at this stage but we know he is a dark greek looking fellow, complete with dubious facial hair, called Dimitri and has a penchant for dressing like a fag, dancing like a fag and wearing gold belts. No-one could call us homophobic because he claims he isn't gay! (well he might be, but just unaware of it...)

The horror of the situation disturbs me, but I will investigate matter further and rid us of this, this, this GMS before the 4th Team forward pack turns into a Sea Point Cabaret freak show…

Workers Day...

Henry Ford would turn in his grave if he knew how many times our country disembarks from his 5-day working week standard. I wouldn't complain about having a public holiday once every week for like 6 consecutive weeks but only if I didn't have to do the same about of work in that week. But I am not complaining, just apologising for not posting a monday girl yesterday...



Anyone watch Grey's Anatomy? Dr Model...