Bar Counters ...

What, exactly, is it about bar counters? More precisely - what inspires people to acts of sheer idiocy whenever a bar counter is involved. Now, I am perfectly sure that alcohol plays its part, but to lay the blame solely at the feet of fermented, flavoured water is akin to Hansie Cronje claiming that Lucifer himself opened 9 Swiss bank accounts in his (Hansie's) name.

Let us take a brief stroll down memory lane, to Pulse, on Wedneday the 17 August 2005. Upon arrival yours truly is confronted with the not altogether unpleasant sight of two somewhat unremarkable creature writhing on the bar counter to the chants of a packed bar area. After pulling myself back from some quite disturbing flashbacks from that time in South America with the strippers and the python, I take second note of the fact the aforesaid creatures are both female. Not spectacularly so, but definitely female. As they lunge, and lunge hard, I wonder - did your parents raise you right? Probably not, is the swift answer, and thank God for it. For without such random slappers tempted by the allure of an ever present bar counter we would probably be deprived of all instances of girl-on-girl action (my digsmate's girlfriend aside).

While this all would have been quite alright and somewhat befitting the celebration of CKB and Bastard's birthday, it went one step further. After attempting for a good few minutes try to find an attractive girl (of which there were unfortunately few) and returning my sights to the stage (sorry, bar counter) I was sure that somebody must have slipped acid into my drink. The drug, not the pool cleaner. For dancing up on the stage was what could only have been a gay male stripper (GMS). Shirt off, gold belt loose and swinging his hips in moves so unnatural that Ricky Martin would have run and hid under his life partner's bed, was one of the most AMAZING specimens of humanity I have ever encountered. NB. when I say amazing I say it with a very heavy sarcastic overlay. Note this is not a compliment, but a jibe intended to ridicule this moron in the hope that no one ever has to suffer like I the captive audience packed into Pulse did. Should you read this article GMS do not, for the love of all that is good in the world, attempt such a feat again.

If this is the way society is going I will go drink my drinks in the woods. Alone. Again. Honestly.