RSLJ Article 1: I’m a Nine…

Now for those of you non-couch sitting TV watching people out there who don’t have an affinity for American comedy spin-offs, this sentence will mean very little to you. Prepared to be enlightened. I was sitting with my mate Joey the other day and he was explaining the ‘Numbers Game’ in regard to taking on the fairer sex. It works like this according to a very simple 10 marks system:

People are rated, purely on physical looks, on a scale out of 10. Ten being the maximum you can get, think Angelina Jolie while zero is obviously the lowest you can go, think (I know it makes you want to retch but try...) something along the lines of Shallow Hal or the institution that was the Green Man wors lady. So you get the point. Of course its all relative and fairly subjective as different people will give a different score that someone else might give. Example: The guy coming right will obviously throw in a few extra points on a 6 girl whereas the jealous digsmate who came right with a 4, will drop the 6 girl to a 5 and seemingly forget to mention his 4.

There are other factors that throw a score card, like the proverbial one bottle of cane turns the red-headed 4 at the bar, into a beautiful gaelic-blonde spread-eagled on your bed at home. Then there is of course the sneaky ploys girls use to add extra points to themselves. [I don’t have time to get into the intricate art of ‘cheating’ but that will definitely feature later in the RSLJ]

That’s basically the points side, but you get the mental image. From here the ‘Numbers Game’ is really simple. There are two rules, the first is absolute and the second is more a reflection on yourself.

Rule 1: Don’t talk about the Numbers Game! (sorry I don’t know who left that on the copy machine)
Rule 1: You can’t come right with someone that is more than 2 points above you.
Rule 2: You can’t come right with someone that is more than 2 points below you.

You see it’s really easy. Let me use, yours truly as an example. I’m a 9. Therefore I can’t kiss girls that are rated 6 or lower and the highest I can kiss is a hypothetical 11. As stated Rule 1 is absolute, I can’t attempt to come right with a girl that is above a hypothetical 11. [maybe I shouldn’t have used myself but someone whose maximum doesn’t exceed the limit] A guy that is a 6 just can’t go for a doll that is higher than an 8. This is law, and you need a 2 thirds majority in the Rockstar House of Commons to change it. Rule 2 is, however, not absolute although ignoring it means you are making the poor chick break Rule 1. Which is fuckin dick, the chick is ugly already and now you want to make her a criminal, thoughtless bastard…

So basically everyone has a 4 point sway in terms of who they can come right with. My HUGE problem is the people that don’t recognise these rules and they can be categorised into 3 types of violations.
Violation 1: I cant stand that drunk friggin' garden-gnome looking wortel guy who is drowning in the shallow end of the 3 point pool who is trying to ‘work his moves’ on my ex-girlfriend. Not because she had previous conjugal relations with me but because she is like 6 or 7 points beyond him. What the fuck, that is clearly in violation of Rule 1!
Violation 2: Then the are those guys who will happily break rule 2 (and indirectly rule 1) by coming right with girls that they know are struggling to make the grade cause a girl 3 or 4 down is easier to come right with and might put out more.
Violation 3: However the only thing that exceeds my hatred for the aforementioned lawless ugly fucks and guys who aim below their minimum, is girls who can clearly see I am out of their 2 point range by a decent margin but come up and throw sex in my face thinking that the incentive of sex from an ugly girl takes away the important rules that we should base society on. Fuck it, I am going to make a tshirt that states: ‘If you’re below a 7, don’t even think about it…’
However in these girls defence, they have obviously succeeded in this manner before so, I blame the guys from violation 2 who kiss ugly girls with wreckless abandon and leave me fighting off droves of high on confidence slappers who think they can play super 12 when they're not even capable of playing internal league.