Axe-cellant...

Ever gotten that rotten feeling when you pulling a girl a your good mate 'called' and has feelings toward. Fair, you beat him to the race but you still cogniscent of the fact that she, the woman he has pined over, is dryhumping you whilst simultaneously licking your epiglottis? I think it's that hint of a feeling you get just before you want to go introduce his whitehorse to him and rub his nose in it!

Anyway I have that feeling now! (sorry pal) Why? Because I am writing a post my co-contributor would be yearning to write. Problem for him is whilst he is in a foreign land he doesn't have access to SA television and hasn't seen my subject matter, the new Axe ad.

The first time I saw it was last night during Grey's Anatomy. (meredith...sigh) It plays a reel of these college students doing the most insane coinage tricks you will ever see. Rockstar found this clip (the full version) on collegehumor.com a few month backs and wouldn't shut up about how unbelievable it is...

You need the download patients of a horny 40 plus year old man waiting for asianwhore.com to send him their entire video library it takes so long but Rockstar vows it is worth it. (apparently the porn thing is too but that's speculation) Every concievable angle there exists from where it should be impossible to bounce a coin in a cup is proven as possible.

The whole thing is pretty mindless and the end statement says: 'Get a girlfriend'! Well, it is mindless but also lank impressive so worth looking out for. And if you are quietly quipping to yourself how funny the irony is about me having time to write a post about an ad saying if you have time for mindless things get a girlfriend? Go blow yourself, because every girl you wish was your girlfriend wishes they could be mine...

Show me the money…

I am feeling lank sporty this week so going to run with the trend. A famous rugby player made this statement this week: “It’s not about the money…!” Well, let’s hide the dishonesty keyboard for a second and be totally fucking honest. That quote is about as full of truth as another famous sports quote, “No, your honour those aren’t my gloves…”

I like Matty Giteau (to the point where I refer to him as Matty) but him and OJ must be seriously good poker players cause they lie like Wylie E Coyote after a cliff fall. Giteau, after his Aussie $1000000,(that’s like 400k head of sheep I think, I’m not sure what the livestock dollar exchange is right now) a season contract move to the Force, then went on to say ‘he is doing it because of the challenge’. Challenge?

You gotta be kidding? Been English and playing in the western cape is a challenge, been talentless and plying a rugby trade in NZ is a challenge (its far easier in SA) but been god’s gift to Australia and playing for a crap side is no challenge. It’s like racing a polio suffer to a 100m sprint, even if you walk you will look like Justin Gatlin! You are bound to shine…

And then there is the brightside of failing your challenge and still having more investment capital than an upstart Brunei oil tycoon in Britain. Since we are on the subject of the gross overpayments of sports professionals, it’s the NFL draft pick this weekend.


It’s a lovely little idea where the side that came last in the previous year, (Houstan Texans) gets first dibs at the new crop of talents university players. Choice then accrues in the reverse order of how the league finished last year up until the winner (Steelers) takes their first round pick.

Even if I had a firstclass quarter back I would go with Vince Young. The man is sick crazy. Kinda like the Matt Giteau of NCAA football last year, except tall and black. You gotta pick him...

I think it is a fantastic idea. We couldn’t do it in the Super 14 cause the Stormers and Cats will just add great players to their already impressive squads and still come bottom.

Natalie "Bad2theBone" Portman Wants You to Suck Her D**K

Surprisingly this hasn't been picked up by the usually omnipotent WWTD, or it's South African offspring (clone is such a harsh word) - Splattermail, but be that as it may, we here at Rockstar believe in plagiarising only the best stories for you, even if we have to steal them from a Chanel Tortoiseshell Sunglasses wearing "internet" nerd.

So without further ado, Rockstar is proud to present the newest addition to 50 Cent's Jeeee-Unit stable - Ms Natalie Portman. While you might not be able to imagine Natalie as a hardcore gangsta rapper, it's probably just because you don't realise how difficult it is growing up privileged and then having to go to Harvard.

I was going to put up a different picture to that on 2oceansvibe, but then your girlfriend gave me a handjob and I felt sleepy. Click on the delectable Nat to watch. And give it a moment to load, it's like foreplay.

Traditional Monday...

I like tradition nearly as much as I like sport. You can't blame me; after all I did go to a prestigious school hinged on traditions and sports. I don’t want to break Monday’s traditions so here is so eye-honey to entertain you. Gosh I love tradition.

Gosh I love Sports even more. Throw these together and you get a traditional sports magazine. Gosh I love Sports Illustrated. SI has been around in SA for two decades now. I love it. It reeks of tradition and sports.
























Got this from their website! They had a reunion shoot of all their past SI Swimwear edition models. You see: tradition and sports.

I'll have two slices thanks...

Is it humble pie or revenge that is best served cold? I can't really remember but it doesn't really matter because any tosser who sprouted off his internet mouth to the tune about how crap the Western Force are has got to eat it, irrespective of the method it is served.


Yes the Western Force, forced (oh god) a draw out of their Super 14 fixture against the unbeaten (still) Crusaders. With God at flyhalf and a pissed off Allah at openside flank bookies were closed for all bets concerning the fixture today. I mean come on, 23-23. The side that has gone on 9 straight game (four with 4 try bonus points) winning streak was never going to lose against a talentless bunch of outback aussies pricks in blue or yellow. Who said never???

Anyway you have to credit the win to John Mitchell. He coached the All Blacks to 22 wins out of 23, losing only the RWC semi-final in 2003 to yes you guessed it a bunch of outback aussies pricks in yellow. It just goes to show you can coach anyone...

NH5D

Those of you who have absolutely no idea what the above title refers to could be excused. But only if you're the kinda guy who woke up this morning, quietly extricated yourself from what could have been a mildly awkward situation involving you, a couple of hot twin sisters, a bottle of Jose Cuervo, a long night and very little sleep, and ventured downstairs throwing high fives in your wake. *

If not, you better listen up soldier. Today, is the third Thursday of April and is known around the world as National High 5 Day. The tenets of NH5D are fairly simple and involve throwing as many hi-fives as possible, even with perfect strangers. In fact, the more perfect strangers involved the better, particularly if aforementioned strangers are hot blonde and twins.

Those of you who are struggling with the concept and prefer seeing things in pictures as opposed to words would be better off going to watch the video at the official NH5D website. If you've managed to grasp the concept and can get that girl accross the room to stop eye-fucking you for half a second, here's a video to get you into the mood. Happy high-fiving.

Force up in arms...

The Western Force are up in arms and horribly peeved that SA Rugby (Pty) Ltd has refused to allow their SEC franchise, the Southern Spears, to be promoted to the 2007 Super 14.

This from planet-rugby.com:
According to a media release issued on behalf SA Rugby board chairman Mpumelelo Tshume, and read out by South African Rugby Union (SARU) president Oregan Hoskins, the board of directors has decided to "halt the participation of the Southern Spears in the Super 14 next year".

Thats really got to piss the Force off somewhat. The team that has less log points than most teams have specialist tighthead props is floundering at the bottom of the table like the Crusaders are flourishing at the top. They were already threatening legal action earlier this year at having to play away games and only being allowed to play the cats once but no litigation came from that.

2007 doesn't look to peachy although to rumoured move of Matt Giteau to the west could change this. They might have to sell half of Perth to the new age South African indian community to afford it but mercurial Matty is worth at least a few chatsworths...

Let him entertain you...

The concert was nothing less than euphoric. It was mind-blowing. There were stages in the performance where you couldn’t sway you co-ordless hips to his music, you couldn’t free an arm from the heaving mash-pit to sneak a sip of your cherished castle draught and you certainly couldn’t muster the vocal energy to shout at the 105 kg 6f 3in babagodouche behemoth of a female to move her frizzy fanta head to the right again… You were in awe…

It was nothing short of ‘oh-my-fuck-that-was-sick’. He was lank funny, he was arrogant enough to make you jealous (if the downpour of la senza didn’t already) and he was an absolute entertainer. And for what we got the tickets were horribly under priced. Chuck Norris would queue to see RW. It was sicker than an HIV Malaysian kid with avian flu…

The other cool thing was the security bouncers were so partial to a ‘gesture of goodwill’ getting into golden circle was easier than RW himself getting into any Cape Town girls la senza. Fan-fuckin-tastic…

Some fool was overheard saying at Pulse afterward that he totally expected more and it wasn’t that good! Are you friggan joking you waterhead? Did you perhaps accidentally go to the Veladrome in Bellville instead to catch a Kurt Darren revival? You jealous ass dickhead. You infuriate me. You obviously got stuck in the cheap seats and are so pissed that others had a better time than you that you underrated the concert to somehow attempt to lessen the enjoyment gap between your concert experience and the rest of us. Well news flash you morbid sacrilegious selfish prick. I had an incredible time and not even pre-game dual felatio from Robbie’s backups singers (sans the Lote Tuquiri look-a-like) would have made it better…

Opportunity costs...

As the costs of running a highly successful rockstar blog increase and the chances of finding a suitable sponsor dwindle at a quicker rate than that of contracting HIV after a good shower we at Rockstar are in urgent need of refuelling our waning trust funds.

Thats partly the reason Rockstar himself was sent to work as a back-up bouncer at London's trendy KFC in Lamberth and I have been emailing my Z-card to agencies with more ferocity than the Western Province Rugby Football Union sends out Stormers tickets. Unfortunately, just like Stormers ticket, my Z-card hasn't been received with much enthusiasm. Actually I might as well have sent Macdonald meal vouchers the response has been so pitiful.

I have managed to spot two jobs to claim some holiday income so far this Easter Break though and good god were they different. The first was a 3-hour stint in front of a camera and the other a 9-hour stint behind a bar. The thing is, despite the huge time discrepancy between the jobs I earned the same amount for both!

Job 1: Dress up in this winter's latest styles with eight of your mates and play rugby in front of the camera whilst a glossy magazine photographer takes action photos. Not exactly the most strenuous thing I have ever done, plus the added perks of free hair and makeup, free woolworths food, free drinks, tax free cash and the opportunity to hang with your schmodel mates at Caprice afterward... [July FHM]

Job 2: Set up, prep, work behind and then break-down a bar at the Picasso and Africa event that attracted 1200 art people from in and around Cape Town. I haven't got a problem about working long hours or even working hard - but setting up a bar in the blazing African sun for 4 hours and then having to put up with pretentious art critics with killer fake french accents just doesn't pull my cork. I didn't even get to see the priceless Picasso, but watching the vice-president's cavalcade fuck up it's entrance was just as priceless.

Highlite 1: A 50-plus year-old lady dressed up as if she should be behind a glass screen in an Amsterdam alley shrilly asks (french accent included): "Is that South African champagne? If so I don't want any!" Now, I don't want to seem like a know-it-all bartender (though I am)but for fuck sakes Lady Marmalade, if it is made in SA it isn't champagne. I'm sure a self-professed connoisseur such as yourself should recognise the reduncy of the question!

Highlite 2: 6 blacks sport-teched beemer herald the arrival of our beloved vice-president. They pull into a cul-de-sac of a court yard filled with 1200 distinguished guests and 20 bartenders (one distinguished) to drop her ladyship as close to the door as possible. [see brilliant picasso-esque diagram] Thing is bud, if she is in the 5th beemer and there is only space for one in the tiny little lane leading to the entrance then you can't drive the first four in before her!!! In short, after pulling in (looking all serious and official toting earpiece and sporting suits) her bodyguards then took 35minutes to realise they had to reverse and allow her car in first. Absolutely amazing. Being a bodyguard for the cabinet in SA is but one small step above being a claremont bouncer.


Moral of the story: Don't look for a profession in bartending, art-critiquing, bodyguarding (for 3rd world VIPs), rather just go in for painting or modelling.

The final countdown...

Oh my god it's him. This day has rushed up on us like Jake White's backline on defence. Incredible! Tonight some unlucky palooka in durban will have his doll pulled on stage in front of a hundred thousand people to be serenaded to by the world's 'king of pop'. [if mark gilman crownded me the king of pop I certainly wouldn't sport the accolade with much regularity...]

Enough about that, the most important gig on his SA tour fixture sheet is definitely Cape Town so that is the one we are waiting for. However, on the same theme of famous people in SA it is no surprise the the on-screen criminal siblings from Prison Break have also spent the weekend in the mother city. Pretty hectic hey. Apparently they came to case out Pollsmoor as a possible set for season 2 but Wentworth made the observation that it was so easy to break out of that they wouldn't be able to sustain a 22 episode second series. Too bad.

I don't really see what it is an issue though! Everyone LOVES the first series and it is premised on the fact that Lincoln Burrows is on death row in an Illinois State Prison - Fox River. However, although Illinois does carry a death penalty for 1st degree murder with 1 of 21 aggravating circumstances, they only have death rows in "Pontiac and Menard", not anywhere near Chicago. Lets not get picky it's still a cool show...[although Nip/Tuck is better]

And one more snippet. Heard on the news the other day that the Red Cross and someone else has donated US$3,8 billion for AIDS relief in Africa over the next five years. Apparently Jacob Zuma spoke to The Water Board and they worked out that at 50cents a shower they can spend the money on 7,6 billion post non-protected sex showers... Shot gun at least a 100!!!!

The Big Smoke: Volume 1

A Rockstar In London ...

A week has elapsed in the Northern Hemisphere under the watchful eye of yours truly. By far the most noticeable facts of the last 7 days is that its cold, my rockstar good looks are just as breath-taking trans-equator, and, its cold. However, it seems a fair trade that they offer Robbie Williams in exchange for myself.

For some unknown reason, the Brits insist on calling this spring with all the fervour of a nation who cannot tell the difference between the sun and a fluorescent lamp, and furthermore insist on referring to South Africans as Saffers. None of this however, can be seen as nearly as annoying as the fact that my hard-earned degree from the school of hardknocks is about as useful as a male pornstar in a dyke bar. Possibly less so.

Not seeing the sun has its upsides. When I figure them out I'll let you know.

Later mate. Safe, innit.

House of Disreput-in...

We pride ourselves in many things here, but none more so than the services we provide our loyal readers. Services that hopefully will benefit you far beyond you have ever imagined. I have a funny sense that the little secret we are going to let you in on now will bring you lots of unaccounted for pleasure...


Yes sir, there is nothing greater than hearing word of a new delightful little den of inquity that has popped up right before our very noses. The den I talk of? The House of Rasputin...

Rasputin very rarely elicits from ones mind more than the historical little bearded fellow that was the mystic 'faith-healer' to the Romanov Russian dynasty in the late 1900s that eventually played a hand in their downfall but this has changed. Instead it will now bring us illicit nights of beautiful debauchery...

This is straight off their website:

A STYLISH NEW GENTLEMAN'S CLUB OPENING IN FEBRUARY 2006, JUST A STONE'S THROW FROM THE CASTLE. THE HOUSE OF RASPUTIN IS A SOPHISTICATED SPACE PERFECTLY PITCHED AT PRIVATE BACHELOR PARTIES AND THE DISCERNING PATRON LOOKING FOR A PROGRESSIVE, UP-MARKET NIGHT OUT.

THE HOUSE OF RASPUTIN IS A BEAUTIFULLY DESIGNED VENUE THAT BOASTS A COGNAC CIGAR LOUNGE, A VIP ROOM, PRIVATE BACHELOR ROOMS, WELL CHOREOGRAPHED DANCERS AND AN IN-HOUSE RESTAURANT WHICH SERVES A FULL MENU AND LATE-NIGHT SNACKS. THE HOUSE OF RASPUTIN OPERATES FROM MONDAYS TO SATURDAYS AND IS TARGETED AT BOTH MEN AND WOMEN.

An establishment that allows and encourages delictable women to reveal their pretty bits whilst you as a 'discerning patron' sits back and enjoys the show, cold Heinekin in hand, is my kinda establishment. One however that targets women to be included on their discerning patron lists deserves a medal!!!


56 New Market street. Probably very worth a try...

Gone but not forgotten…

The editor and contributor (silent editor and rare contributor) of this acclaimed webblog has tragically passed away. I have been tasked with writing his obituary. Usually obituaries are scribbled by a member of the lower echelon of the contributing writers, but due to the magnitude of the man, and that we have no other writers I will do it. Here it follows:

Rockstar Gone: (pink was his favourite)

There was no sadness early yesterday when Dave the Whip aka rockstar passed away. He was 22 and most regularly seen in seedy bars, dodgy sweatshops and Clifton 4. He left on SAA Flight 274 to London.

He was married but single and took his spouse with him leaving only his friends, debt, a pechant for pernod and unfinished business. It will be an open casket ceremony and visitors can see his remains behind bars or in UK gutters.

The Whip achieved much in his short time with us including: a degree, a stint as fashion advisor to the growing SA hiphop scene, a shot at the under 61kg national cage fighting title, a respected ability to pour and drink beer from a dizzy height and to drive like an F1 driver. (mostly like Arytonn Senna or that Japanese fellow that kept crashing the BAR-honda in 2002) His presence, wit, charm, free thinking, advice and most of all his girlfriend will be missed.

Travel in peace fine sir. Live the dream...!

Durban 7 days...

As the Robbie count down approaches numbers as lower than Western Force log points the Robbie Hype is exploding in Cape Town.

The rockstar is staying at the Table Bay Hotel at the Waterfront and tacky SA magazines are already all over his ass like street kids on a glue bottle. Pictures of the great man are highly sought after and fans are flocking around the city following sms reports revealing his whereabouts. Opium even had the April Fools audacity to send out smses 'claiming' Williams was going to perform from their courtyard on saturday night. That really pisses me off. Why do people have to jump on the Robbie train to promote their own endeavours, and for crumbs sakes learn the April Fool rules, everyone knows that it has to be before 12 noon to count. Boneheads.


This little story really made me cry with laughter and horribly jealous of Robbie:
Word spreads that Williams is kicking back at Ignite in Camps Bay last thursday. So these skanky little girls go off in hot pursuit of the man. They slime their way into the VIP section and get close enough to talk to them. And here is where it gets interesting.

Skanky crackwhore to Williams: "You know Robbie I used to hate you and think you were an arrogant talentless prick until I saw you on Parkinson and I realised how wrong I was. You are actually really sensitive, caring and amazing..." [at this point I am jealous of nothing]

Robbie nonchalantly looking back at said CW: "I don't appreciate that. I think you should leave."

That's all he said, nothing more to anyone, not even a nod or a sly wink to his henchmen. What happened? His bodyguards walked up and quietly removed the CW from the club. Not just the VIP room but the entire club.


You have to envy that power. I wish I could have big men dressed in blacksuits escourting all ugly girls and boneheads from establishments. We would live in a much happier place...

Monday Orders...

My one rockstar friend is a doctor, or at least we call him one. He is no Gregory House but he knows his stuff, he must know his stuff, he is a doctor after all...

Anyway the latest in forward thinking health science has discarded that crap stuff wives used to pass down generations about apples and stuff and taken a giant leap forward. Here are the new doctors orders:

You can't really fault his judgment. Well actually I do view this with a touch of scepticism because...well...if this is true I should be the healthy guy on earth. The corollary to this scepticism of course that in fact I am not nearly following his orders as I should be! I think that is it...

-----------------------------------Take 2, three times daily...