Imagine if girls were like cars. I could now go on with cute little innuendos like ‘riding them with their tops down’ or ‘checking their undercarriage’ but that wouldn’t be the coolest things about girls being like cars. If girls were like cars us men would find it easy to understand them, be more able to control them and maybe find it easier to rev their engines. But alas women aren’t cars, we aren’t that lucky. However there is one glaring similarity I find between cars and women…
[If you are a raging feminist and find it abhorrent that I am likening females to vehicles I remind you that this isn’t a blog that caters for the feminist taste so go click elsewhere, or stick around, you might learn something]
The similarity I find between cars and women lies in the representation of their body work. If you have driven the streets of Kraaifontein, North Pretoria or the Durban beach front and walked the passages of any shopping centre or social place you will know what cars and girls I am writing about.
I’ll use the streets and passages of Cape Town as a snapshot of my point as that is what’s closest to home for me. You don’t have to travel all the way to Kraaifontein to see the cars I talk of but I am pretty sure they all originate from the Northern Suburbs.
It is not an unfamiliar sight along the streets of varsity to see cars that have morphed from bottom of the price range hatch backs into something that came out of the mass parking garage in the 2 Fast 2 Furious. People take their 1.4 Citi Golfs; 1.3 Toyota Tazzs or 1.6 Honda Civic and “sup” them up so they look like their ride got pimped by Ludacris and West Coast Motors just without the massive budget…
So you end up with this tiny ass engine dressed up like a street rod. The ways to do this are endless: side-skirting boards, aerofoil spoilers, low profile rims, ejector seats, tinted windows, a CD suspended from the rearview mirror, an exhaust big enough to stick your head in, racing seatbelts, chrome pedals and a sound-system with more output than the speakers at a Slipknot concert. Viola, we have mom’s old hatchback transformed into something that resembles what an East Coast Crib drug runner would drive around the projects in…
Now girls aren’t very different. They try their utmost to make their mediocre model look like it should be on a runway. Girls, like impressive car technicians have tricky deceiving ways to dress themselves into something that fallaciously coaxes men into believing they are actually hot. The results of this are dire for the poor guy as when the sun comes up he has to deal with weeks of abuse from his amused friends or risk injury to limb and life by throwing himself from a balcony window…
This ability ugly girls have to embellish on the truth of their looks is actually a well documented (small play on words here) phenomenon by a certain Doc Louw (aka Mr. Campus 2002, 2003, 2004 and 2005) The Good Doctor coined the term “Cheating” back in the days when chicken burgers were still R8 a shot whilst sitting on the stairs of varsity surveying the latest crop of females. In his latest book ‘5 years at Varsity for Highly Successful People’ the Doctor goes to great detail in uncovering all these ‘cheating methods’ and I’ll share with you some of his work:
The intro deals with the fine line between beautification and cheating. Beautification is how the pretty girl accentuates her most prominent features whereas Cheating is how an ugly girl pretends to have prominent features. Unfortunately some ugly chicks are so wily in their ways the true difference can only be told once it is too late and you are standing naked in her bedroom armed with durex gossamer; a bottle of chocolate syrup and her size 12 leopard print g-string…
Method 1: High heels – The porksword always sports the latest pair of Manolo Blahnik knock-offs so you never really realize how chucky her thighs are or how short and dumpy she is. Result: Mrs. Potatohead resembles Gisele strutting down the runway…
Method 2: Padded bra – Kerry McGregor wears a bra that emphasizes her wondrous assets. Miss Surf Board 2005 wears the padded bra to create the allusion of perky boobs. Kerry classifies as beautification whereas the girl with a chest like the pulse of a cadaver is cheating.
Method 3: The Haircut – The Vereeniging Facelift is the age old technique of pulling your hair back so tight it stretches your baggy faces into a beautiful smooth façade; however this is no good to girls with fiveheads or large proboscises. Instead girl now cut a devious longer fringe, coined the “Blowjob Haircut” by the Doctor, that masks their ugly feature.
Method 4: Sunglasses – Ever seen that blonde girl on campus with those huge sunglasses that make her look like a graceful European beauty? Wait for next semester when she is in your law tut and she takes them off and you realize the deception as the rounded Gucci profile hid 60% of her horrid face…
--------------------Beautification v Cheating.
Method 5: The jersey wrap – It is 30 degrees on campus yet she has bought a light jersey to varsity and instead of leaving it in her car (probably a supped up vw) she has effortlessly tied it around her waist. This is not a practical cover-up for her weather misjudgment but rather a shifty cover-up of her semester long Wacky Wednesday misjudgment…
These are all stylistic methods ugly girls will employ to bump themselves up a few rungs on the points ladder but they use other tactics like only frequenting the dimest lit clubs (Fez lighting has done more for girls appearances than Virgin Active ever did) and buying guys drinks. When a guy has to make a judgment call nothing so impairs his ability to tell the difference than a night fuelled by her extended credit line behind the bar…
All I can say is beware! This is not one of life’s lessons you want to learn through trial and error. Rather learn from your lesser informed mates’ mistakes…
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