Hits, Misses and Heismanns…

So I made a promise to unveil the most amazing douchebag I could find during my stay in America. Luckily I didn’t go as far as saying I would produce the most amazing definition of the term as some guy got collegehumor recognition for his attempt. [collegehumor recognition in the bloggin world is akin to Angelina Jolie going down on you for winning an oscar in the movie world]

My list is slowly getting longer but will remain secretive until later, however it’s worth checking out his hierarchy so as to familiarize yourself with the concept. [orothrules.blogspot.com: 05/12/2005] He was obviously inspired to compile the hierarchy after reading our article the previous day. So I’m giving him due recognition. [rockstarjournals recognition in the bloggin world is akin to Angelina Jolie going down on you whilst the Victoria Secret models simultaneous give you a lap dance in anyone’s world]

-------------------------------I'd like to thank the academy

So I missed out on that but I did manage to be privileged enough to partake in a four day tourist jaunt to New York. The trip was an absolute hit. The freezing temperatures and driving snow would put off a few merry travelers but nothing was going to stop me from doing an “I’m the king of the world” impersonation on the Staten Island ferry, making out with Paris Hilton’s Madam Tussandes replica (hey she hit on me) or making snow angels in central park.

More of a hit however was the flight to New York itself. Now the flight time from my southern departure to LaGuardia airport is just under two hours, if you take into account the time it takes to avoid roadkill on the runway of my southern departure, and to pass the time I glanced through the skymall.com publication…

Briefly this magazine is just a catalogue of what you can buy from skymall.com once you have safely stowed your fold away table and ensured your seat is in the upright position. However this run of the mill compilation of must have xmas paraphernalia has no peer in its genre of easy buy magazines as the gadgets and goodies inside are of an marvelously ridiculous nature.

There were a few that I did find cool and worth the $15 delivery fee like a portable blowup Jacuzzi spa, the remote controlled hovercraft (batteries not included), the underwater radio and the backyard ice rink. Yes an ice rink that you can set up in your own back yard, assuming you live in a place with freezing temperatures, like New York! Good god if I had one of these as a kid (and if we didn’t live in the Karoo) I would be here playing for the New York Rangers not making snow angels. It’s fantastic.

Skymall caters for every lazy person alive. The pet owner section of the magazine was a treat. Get this they have a ‘pet stroller’ and you can supersize this to a ‘double-decker pet stroller’. It is the same as taking your infant for a walk. You strap it in and away you go, except you do this cause the infant can’t walk. So you take ‘firdel’ for its daily exercise without actually letting it do any…

In keeping with the lazy yet active person we have the ‘Never-lose-another-golf-ball putter’. (they actually call it that?) It is absolute junk but that doesn’t allow me to take anything way from the engineering marvel of combining a golf club and a fishing rod. You see, you take your stance, putt the ball AND instead of walking to fetch it you ingeniously reel it back home. What a must for those that putt the ball prodigious distances…

They have countless such inventions but the one for me that eclipses the greatness of the aforementioned two and the ‘hand-held paper shredder’ (just incase you out the office and the letter the agency sent you won’t self destruct) and the ‘inflatable travel dumbbells’ (you fill them up with water to Ron Burgandy them in the hotel room) is the ‘rearview spyglasses’!

As its name suggests the people from skymall.com have surpassed the latest trend in USB and MP3 equiped sunglasses and bought (direct to your home for only $29,95) these SPYglasses.
I was going to try write something funny ridiculing them but like all things that cater for douchebags they self-deprecate themselves so you don’t have to go through the trouble. This is from the actual website:

“..the Rear-View Spyglasses are built with a special coating that allows you to look straight ahead and still see behind you. when you put them on, look out of the corners of your eyes and you'll see what's going on- and no one will know you're watching him or her. It comes with a stylish case, too.”
After a rushing average of 101.2 yards in his last two games, no one was surprised when USC tailback Reggie Bush won the 05 Heismann Trophy. But maybe they just had eyes in the back of their head and saw it coming…