To Hell and Back...

You didn't have to be too perceptive to notice that the busy tourist hub of Cape Town has been overrun by a sea of black leather flak jackets, a plethora of metal body piercings and enough epithelial ink art to breed an army of Michael Schoefield's.


The occasion? The Annual International Hell's Angels Convention.

I kid you not, if you have spent anytime in the last 14 days anywhere in town, be it long street, the camps bay strips or the waterfront, you will have stumbled upon at least 35 of these metal and leather glad bike vikings.

With places like Wales, England, Sweden etc embalzoned on their uniform one can't help but realise we have an eclectic fusion of international hell's angels spending time in our little city.





Apparently - and I emphasise this as I heard it and can't corroborate it - they are here for a international symposium of sorts. You fucking kidding? That is flippin' hilarious...

Obviously this would beg the question, so where the fuck are their harleys? Did they ride to a Spanish port and then kingsley holgate is through Africa?


The answer, and again apparently, is that they don't have bikes. Okay, so you're a club founded on motorcycles and you host international rally's in places you can't take you bikes? Logic?

Explanation, apparently (not sure why I keep admitting the hearsay nature of everything since most of what we post is usually hearsay), they shipped their bikes here in a container but the cargo ship transporting them got detained at some Western African port. Now that's fucking hilarious...


Despite the fact that both the Federal Bureau of Investigation and the Criminal Intelligence Service Canada classify the Angels as one of the "big four" outlaw motorcycle gangs, contending that members carry out widespread violence, drug dealing, trafficking in stolen goods, and extortion and you would usually associate motorcylce gangs as rampant aggressive oafs they have prove quite the contrary.


They are very polite, very well-mannered, and shown no incidents of malice AND they are very generous when it comes to tipping. And as you can see from them dominating the camps bay strip they love a good mojito, frozen strawberry daiquiri and the odd frozen Margarita. Who would have guessed..?

Monday Angel...

lovely...

It depends what your definition of 'is' is?

'May I know your name?..'
'Batman...'

'May I know your name?'
'My name is Bat-man...'

'Trying to be funny?!. What is your surname?..'
'Supar-man...'

'I want to speak with your manager...'

Bring it home...

Some things you just can't overemphasise or exaggerate on. Even people like myself - who am I kidding no one is like myself but for arguments sake lets keep it - skilled in the art of hyperbole can't manage to make Monday into something bigger than it really is...

The Final of Varsity Cup...

The jink, the swerve, Over!

We have intermittently commented on the VC and UCT's success at shoving a big strong hand off into the face of everything that is Afrikaans but Monday looks to be the coup de grace in the effort.

UCT dominated the entire competition but slipped up for 70% of the semi-final. They regained their feet at stole victory from the petrified faces of the Pukke side as they watched a 21 point lead dwindle and Matt Rosslee's carter-esque game winner sail over. Final time baby...

Burnt!

Maties, the established superpower in (and behind) SA Rugby have not entrenched themselves this year as they have done historically but they managed an overtime penalty to beat Tukkies 47-44 to make the other place in the final theirs.

Due to a variety of logistics, politics and admin UCT had to forfeit their home ground advantage and have to travel to Stellenbosch for Monday nights final. If the competition is anything to go by expect a massive climax with all sorts of controversy and excitement.

This is what Monday looks like:

17h00: Steinhoff Dagbreek v UCT Colts
18h45: Steinhoff Maties v FNB UCT RFC.

It is going to be special...

A Sting in the Tail ...

According to media reports the first official challenges to J-Z’s installing himself as Tyrant and Dictator-for-Life have begun. Hugh Glenister, a self-described business (the Cape Times can make anything sound sinister) has instituted a court order against the ANC’s disbanding of the Scorpions. It seems our diminutive, but perfectly formed current president Thabo is going to oppose it, when just weeks ago he was fighting to keep them in business. Strings. Pulling. Puppets.


Jay-Z: Future South African President?

The good news is you can add your name to a growing number to keep the Scorpions open. And why wouldn't you want to. They're the the Rockstars of the law enforcement world.

Skinny, Black & Funny...

After the success of their MyCoke fest intiative 5Fm have raised the bar and taken a step further in the efforts to bring big names to our little part of the world.

5FM announced yesterday a stand up comedy tour of the one and only Chris Rock to tour SA. They refer you to their website for further details but unsurprisingly the site says nothing.

He is here for the first week of June, performing in Cape Town on the 4th June. Sick...

Finally we get to hear the 'clear heels' theory in person...

Rockstar of the Moment...

If you haven't heard about the success of Varsity Rugby this year you are either predisposed to watching Ugly Betty reruns on a Monday night or just don't give a hoot about rugby. Either way we don't like you...



If you want a rehash of UCT's domination of the Varsity Cup Competition or their breath stealing last gasp win at the death after the game's biggest comeback check out www.uctrfc.co.za or www.varsitycup.co.za.

Right now just enjoy this image as Rockstar of the Moment, Matt Rosslee's bangs over this long range effort to poach victory from the jaws of defeat. Right now, he must be the most famous guy on campus.

Photo spectacular...

Besides those of the countries employed population that actually have to do some work to earn a living there are a few out there whose job description doesn't actually include any work. Who are these people? Well these people mainly 'work' at Ernst and Young or other such auditing firms.

These photos are what these people audited this week and sent to us...

Bronze Medal!

Second Place!

First Prize!

Mullet Watch ...

It's nice to see the mullet being kept in the public eye. You've proabbly heard the story already so I'm not going to go into too much detail, but it seems the creature below was spotted at an H20 rave in Joburg (do people still rave?). Since then, largely due to the magical effect of his mullet, he's become an overnight sensation. He's pretty much our version of Chuck Norris. And yes, before you ask, he is from Benoni. Straight outta.

If you're on Facebook go take a look at the his group. There over 500 photos of him. That's more photo's than anyone needs.

Late Monday Girl

If there was ever one of our Monday girls you wouldn't mind being late, it'd probably be Paris. You'd be in the family for life. And they'd hardly let the father of the heir to the Hilton fortune starve now would they.

Monday lass...



Here she is

Monday Girl...

A few girls...shoo!

Back to (Monday)...


All angles...

The Ultimate Warrior...

Saturday night was one of those nights that could ruin the rest of your weekend. One of those nights where everything happens just perfectly and you wearily slump into bed in the early hours of Sunday morning wondering how the remainder of the weekend could even hope to live up to the standard set.

With the possibility of waking up on Sunday to have the weekend spiral down from the previous nights high I engineered a classic response to maintain my weekend level. I opened Sundays account by an early morning pre-rush-madness Clifton 2 visit. I am clever like that...


Armed with coffee and breakfast it is hard not to enjoy a perfect beach day when the Clifton 2 has put on her Sunday best and really come to the party. Conditions were perfect. This was to be fantastic.

Fantastic was very quickly dampened however. I hadn't counted on C2 being transformed into center stage of , what I can only describe as, The Superbowl for Nerds.



Since I am somewhat familiar with descriptive College e-literature on a vast host of American pop culture phenomena that are worthy of blatant humorous castigation I wasn't taken aback when I first noticed the orange cones marking out the perimeter of the World's Most Extreme Teacher's Assistant Sport but I was very swiftly taken aback by the savagery of the competitors and the voracity of the competition.

Ultimate Frisbee is not for ants...

For those of you unfamiliar with the concept this is very briefly it:

Ultimate Frisbee, Disc Rugby, Frisbee Football or Extreme Frisbee Disc Rugby is a unique outdoor activity that has achieved cult status in America. By cult I mean, it is generally played by those social outcasts that blatantly look like cult type freaks, not that the activity has a cult following.

On the contrary the activity is pursued by a very small minority of college students and alumni players and you would need some impressive mathematical equation to work out the exact size of this minority to the exact decibel place, an equation that is also funnily enough a prerequisite you need to be able to work out in your head to be part of this said small minority.

The activity originated in the winter of 1962 at a secretive vacation camp conference of college kids, "Introverts Against Public Ostracization and For the Right to Carry Modified Gas Carbine 9mm Side Arms on Campus Association". Check them out at www.iapofrcmgc9sacs.com.

At the inaugural annual winter camp two students, Ronnie H Howard and Jeffery Matthews were outside on a lunch break tossing Ron's plastic Starship Enterprise, complete with Captain Kirk figurine, between each other when a 3rd student, Kaz Tedzinsky, inadvertently walked into the flight path of the projectile UFO and was struck on the forehead. A 4th student, Walter Wells Wallop, saw the incident and in frustration at the careless operation of such a dangerous object and the injury to his Information Systems Project Research partner picked up the Enterprise (now sans Capt Kirk figurine) and attempted to run the disc-shaped model space module to the nearest rubbish bin.

Indignant at the possibility of losing his favourite addition to his Star trek fleet the first nerd gave chase...and the rest is history.

Watching them perform live is priceless, although there is a good chance it will ruin your weekend.

Mis-match...

This is kinda like the what the Reds v Bulls turned into, an utter mismatch. It does make an excellent argument for the idea that size does matter, although admittedly it obviously didn't in the Bulls game...

Mayweather fought the Big Show at Wrestlemania XXIV and did manage to break the Big Show's nose, althought it seems a bit of a pyrrhic victory in the face of being flung out the ring like a pair of silk panties from the bed of a rockstar...

Champions...

Would this be gloating?

Drop me from the World Cup squad and don't make it past the pool stages. Bring me back and we win the 6Nations...

Monday...

Tall, dark, pretty...

Monday Girl...


We have had her before but who said you can't have her again...

Monday Girl ... it's a race

What with all the racial tension around SA in the last couple of weeks, we thought we'd do our altruistic best to point out that races can work together. Meet Adriana, part Swiss, part African, part Native American. And yes, all angel.

And you're sore from gym...?

Apparently pain is just weakness leaving the body, or is it french bread? Can't remember...

Walk it off...

Varsity Cup-out...


I am not here right now throwing finger jabs at the keyboard to gloat about how UCT RFC handed Tukkies their ass back to them on Monday night when the two sides met on UCT's Green Mile. Nope, gloating would be unsporting-like and wouldn't become the ethos of the UCT RFC.


However, after contemplating this idea it has dawned on me, that I am in no way associated with the 1st XV, bar of course my loyal support for it, so driving the point home that UCT scored 8 tries in their 55-24 thupping makes no reflection on the team itself.



55 55 55 55 55 55 55 55 55 55 55 55 55 - 24...

JJ looking for Herbie's chicken! Tighthead hoping to steal it.

Admittedly, Tukkies are also only considered a second tier team in this Varsity Cup competition of 8 teams, but they did draw with Maties 31-31 the week before in Stellenbosch. 55 55 55 55 55 55 55...


If you want a match analysis wait for the Varsity Paper in about 3 Tuesdays from now. They will also probably tell you the competition is based on "Monday Night Lights" College Football. Which it is not? What kind of idiot makes statements like that without checking that shit out?


The NFL has one game on a Monday Night, hence Monday Night Football.
High School Football is played on Friday Nights, hence the Friday Night Lights moniker and it's movie and drama series fame.
College Ball is played on Saturdays.
How you manage to muddle the 3 together and say Varsity Cup is based on Monday Night Lights College Football? I am not quite sure.

Sorry that tangent was aimed to psyche me up for the real pith of this post: What Varsity Cup really is based on?

The loose forwards and halfback pairing!

Very succinctly the big powers that be in SA Rugby realised they had access to enough money to fund a national club based tournament that hopefully would extend talent pools, appease their purist intentions and replace emphasis on rugby at club level, give back to the Universities they once played for and hopefully usurp the media and financial backing from the Vodacom Cup.


Who are these powers? If you think rugby in SA isn't run by - I can't avoid doing this stereotypically - a strong group of Afrikaans purist you are mistaken. Funded by Steinhof these mean have created a very interesting platform to showcase SA's rugby talent at the level between school and Super 14. Lovely.



However this is where it sours. Steinhof form what I gather is a large holding company with loads of subsidiaries below it that sell anything from tractor oil to Bull Brand Beef to any farming implement you can image. Picking up a theme here? They are basically the Costra Nostra of farming co-ops in SA.

UCT doesn't really fall into this pile anywhere. Pukke, Tukkies, TUT, Shimlas, UJ and Maties however are the backbone of the sporting pride to these people. I am not really sure where Nelson Mandela Metropolitan University NMMU falls into the picture? Although I have never hit on a girl from PE that didn't talk with an Afrikaans accent so I guess they fall on the Afrikaans side of the language fence. 7 v 1. UCT is the 1.

You think I am making this up? Try this for size.

On the Friday before UCT's first game against Pukke on the 18th of February, UCT was informed that flanker Jody Birch was too old to play. Competition rules only allowed players that are under 26 to play, that means born after 1983 onward so turning 25 this year, to play. Fair enough Birch was born in 1981 so didn't play.




That same Monday out in Stellenbosch, 8th Man Bennie Booysen started for Maties in their draw against Tukkies. (55 55 55 55 55) Bennie Booysen was born 6 Jan 1982. He is 26. Don't believe me? Check out the Maties website. http://student.sun.ac.za/rugby/players/PlayerInfo.asp?PlayerID=179.

Booysen is a fantastic player and great to watch. He played against Tukkies on the 18th and again in the second round of the competition this last weekend.

Dodgy? You bet your fuckin' life it is...

People Power Monday ...

Seriously. It's a real holiday in the Phillipines. People Power Monday. Say it ten times fast. Not much of a tongue twister, unlike this little angel who is, in fact, Phillipinean, uh, Phillipinish. Goddamnit. She's from the Phillipines.

My Coke Fest 2008...

The best thing to do with advice is pass it on. Unless you run a bad annual musical festival and are given stirling advice by renowned leaders in your target market, because then you should use it. We gave 5fm advice - read damning criticism somewhere in Feb 2007- and the took it to heart.


The line-up (at this stage) for My Coke Fest 2008 is looking pretty sweet. We have to remain mindful on the possibility of some bands pulling out but... Korn, Good Charlotte, Muse, Prime Circle, Kaiser Chiefs, Chris Cornell and 30 Seconds from Mars! There are also a few SA bands none of which I either recognise or stand a chance of lifting the same interest in your eyes brows that the main acts have raised.



There are two concerts again:

21 March: Somewhere in Jozi
24 March: Kenilworth Racecourse, Cape Town.

Due to foreseen and extremely annoying circumstances I can't make the 24th March rockfest party but it should be a pretty sick occasion.

It is at this point you can thank us for the scathing attack on 5fm that made them clean up their act and sort out a decent music festival. If only they would listen to our Nicole Fox advice...

Don't cry for me Argentina...


I might be a super genius or the rugby people at the IRB and SANZAR are just retarded. I have't ruled out the possibility that these two aren't necessarily mutual exclusive. There was media talk this week about offers to the Pumas to join the Tri-Nations triplet in the most respected rugby competition in the world.

It is an interesting idea. Argentina had an excellent outting to France last year, upsetting the hosts (twice) and the apple cart to come 3rd. They currently stand here in the IRB rankings. (1) South Africa (2) All Blacks (3) Pumas (4) Australia. Including them in the Tri-Nations makes great rugby sense.
From a rugby point of view, Argetina has no domestic competition to speak of, actually it is still amateur, and hence all their top players are based in European club sides, mainly in France and Italy but actually everywhere. I think like 2 or 3 of their RWC07 squad wasn't an overseas based player.

The country is dominated by soccer and rugby is largely only played at upper-class clubs and private schools. However, the popularity of the game is soaring and they even delayed the starting time of a Boca Junior football match so it wouldn't clash with the Pumas v France game of the RWC.

I'm big in South America..?

However, because a large majority of their players are foreign based they fit into the Northern Hemisphere season. This is a major problem as it clashed with the Souther Hemisphere season. If their small base of professional players are tied up in club contracts and not really for international duty their really isn't any point in allowing them to enter an international competition. The second major problem is that they are the other side of the friggan world.

I have flown from Cape Town to Buenos Aires. We went to play rugby. After circumnavigating the world in the fusilage of a Boeing 747 you are about as eager to play rugby as you are to eat your prop if you crashed in the Andes. Not very.

Funnily enough this latter drawback is the only problem with the Tri-Nations format. You play each other side twice (or 3 times as in 2006) and they juggle the venues. The thing is the home side is at a MASSIVE advantage. The team that wins the competition is the one that can win away from home. It's the easy. That's why in the last 10 years of the 3N the All Blacks managed to do well because each year they manage to win away from home.

The Springboks haven't won away from Fortress SA since they toured Nambia in a 3 match tour in 1965 and since Fortress SA became leaky they've allowed other sides to take the competition. I'm being flippant but you can't deny the massive advantage playing at home is.

Unlike the Cape Times I am not just bitching about the systems administed by rugby administrators world wide and blaming a 3rd Force but instead will offer, what I believe, a viable alternative.

Admittedly the exodus of pro players from Argentina to Europe is a problem but money solves everything, ask Toulon, I mean Blue Bulls Old Boys Club. Bring those players back to Argentina. Fund a big provincial or club tournament there. The player salaries don't have to be huge. The 30 plus superstar gets brought back but not at their usual European salary, just pay off their contracts, and then pay them and the local players at a reaosnable scale. It's details but since minimum wage is like 24 cans of Quilmes, a shot of tequila and a kilogram of lama a month it can't be alot.

Can I please get a double whopper bacon cheese, vanilla shake, no fries and two locks to get me out of the B league?

Then enter them into the 4Nations. Contract the international players a shit load to make them returning to their homeland worth their while, although I am sure Quilmes, tequila and lama would do it. Now here is the thing. Every year the competition gets hosted by one of the countries only. Think mini-World Cup.

For example. 2009 fly all 3 sides to Argentina, then Aussie hosts 2010, SA 2011 and New Zealand 2012. Bingo. Since you have four side no side has to sit out.



Weekend 1: Argentina v South Africa; All Blacks v Australia.
Weekend 2: Argentina v All Blacks; South Africa v Australia.
Weekend 3: Argentina v Australia; All Blacks v South Africa.

League structure. Wham bam thank you ma'am. So every four years, you are a home nation and at great advantage, but the playing fields are level for the other 3. Argentina gets exposed to world class rugby and hopefully grows the exposure of the game to their masses.

If that wouldn't make Rupert Murdoch loads of cash I don't know what will. I doubt he will splurge it on Quilmes, Tequila and lama steaks though.

Lamas: High in protein, great with white or red wine and doesn't taste anything like chicken.

The only obvious drawback is at which time you will play the games. I know when it is 17h00 on a satuday in sunny cape town it is 00h00 in Perth, 02h00 in Sydney and 04h00 in Auckland. It's also 13h00 in Buenos Aires. It can't be that hard. I used to wake up at 04h30 at school to watch Christian Cullen. I would wake up at that time again to watch any one of these match ups.
I don't know Bernard Lapasett personally but he is the Chairman of the IRB (just googled it now) and if you know him please send him this, and me royalties...

Monday thing...


Or thong...

From bad to worse...

You may be familiar with the little Snow Patrol fiasco we encountered not so long ago. Read below. Well, a new twist has emerged. I received this email this morning from Malik"

"Greetings from Global Breakthrough:

We have some good news and bad news.

The good news is you’re about to get a better ticket deal as a token of our appreciation and our way of saying we’re very sorry for any disappointment caused.

Here is the bad news…Official statement from Tom & Gary/Snow Patrol’s management:

We regret to announce that, due to recording commitments, Tom and Gary from Snow Patrol have had to cancel their DJ appearance at the Global Breakthrough festival in Cape Town at the end of this month.

They tried everything to re-arrange this scheduling conflict, but unfortunately studio availability & other circumstances do not allow for them to travel to South Africa at this time.

Tom and Gary are very disappointed about this and send their utmost apologies. They hope to make it over to Cape Town as soon as their schedule allows to make up for any disappointment caused.

Snow Patrol Management

Note! There has also been a LOCATION CHANGE. We’re not going to use Signal Hill anymore because it was more of a Snow Patrol vibe and it was really limiting us with regards to capacity. We’ve got two of the hottest DJs in the world coming out with Âme and Henrik Schwarz (LIVE) headlining that event as part of a special Innervisions showcase and we’re moving venue to accommodate the numbers. Also the weather has been just ghastly lately. It’s as if this wind will never stop blowing and we don’t want to blow the event over it.

The new, super exciting location will be announced this week.

Now that the budget has lost some weight we’re giving you back the added value as follows:

General Admission ticket holders can have 3 tickets for the Innervisions event featuring Henrik Schwarz LIVE and Ame.

Pre sale value for 3 tickets: R240 / On door: R420. Do the math. It’s a sweet deal, because really, we feel terrible.

If you’re actually not into cutting edge electronic house music, bummer, and thus you specifically bought tickets just to see the Snow Patrol DJ Set, then please email malik@global-breakthrough.com so we can sort you out a refund.


Cheers,

Malik AdunniGlobal Breakthrough Events • lovecapetown media+ 27 74 186 2872 • www.Global-Breakthrough.com"

Let me know if I must jump in at any point here and elaborate as to how this is such a load of dodgy shit?

Sorry Malik, run that past me again, you have GOOD and BAD news? OKay, so explain to me how the ticket I paid for to see one band which then turned out to be only the two main dudes of that band playing their favourite playlist on their Ipod not coming to this sick venue can be accompanied by GOOD news?

Oh hold on, the sick venue has also been moved? To where I ask? You don't know yet you reply? Yes, you are correct that is super exciting.

I have an idea Malik, why don't you just invite people online to come over to your spot and we can listen to your favourite playlist and you can charge us a sweet deal? Must I bring my own chair?

Yes I will pursue the refund option.

Rebel with a cause...

When All Black lock Jason Eaton got badly injured prior to the RWC last year Graham Henry and the rest of the All Black management team were beginning to worry as already they had lost lock James Ryan from the RWC squad. They then went on to lose Ali Williams to a broken jaw which luckily heeled in time for France.


Jason Eaton was obviously more shattered than the coaching staff. The giant Hurricane known for his outrageous mullet and facial hair decided to deal with his depression by not shaving his beard or cutting his hair.





Eaton is raising money for chairty now and will pull a donors name out of a hat to see who has the privilege of shaving off his beard and the highest pledgee will get the chance to shave his head.

Amazing...


The Super 14 kick offs this weekend and The Canes first game is against the Waratahs in Sydney on Saturday. I look forward to what Phil Kearns will have to say about the hairycane...

Monday girl...