Sex Panther?
Brian Fantana: Sex Panther by Odeon. This stuff is illegal in 9 countries. It's made with bits of real panther, so you know it's good.
Ron Burgundy: It's quite pungent. It's a formidable scent, it stings the nostrils...in a good way.
Brian Fantana: [daubing the cologne on his neck] Yup.
Ron Burgundy: Brian, I'm gonna be honest with you, that smells like pure gasoline.
Brian Fantana: They've done studies, you know. They say 60% of the time, it works every time.
Ron Burgundy: That doesn't make any sense.
After spending time with Dalia Lama in Tibet, he let us in on his secret for getting women. Sex Panther. after promising to make him Rockstar of the moment we managed to bring you back some of the real stuff. Lately it's been rebranded Sex Appeal but it still contains real bits of panther - so you know it's good.
Do yourself a favour and read the packaging. Available from Everest Mart, Kathmandu, Nepal. And, no, they don't deliver.
Monday, September 29, 2008
Political updates...
Because you have a right to know where your favourite Minister is:
PRETORIA. Former Minister of Health Manto Tshabalala-Msimang has denied reports that her new job as Minister in the Presidency will be limited to serving double vodka tonics to visiting heads of state and cooking African potato snacks for President Motlanthe. Her spokeswoman also denied that she had been asked to return the new liver she received while Health Minister.
Speaking to journalists from the Presidency where the Salvation Army was loading the last of Thabo Mbeki's belongings into a van, spokeswoman Clitoris Labuschagne said that just because Tshabalala-Msimang would not have any specific responsibilities, it didn't mean that she would have no responsibilities whatsoever.
Check out the full story here
The latest in the USA Presidential campaigns:
Because you have a right to know where your favourite Minister is:
PRETORIA. Former Minister of Health Manto Tshabalala-Msimang has denied reports that her new job as Minister in the Presidency will be limited to serving double vodka tonics to visiting heads of state and cooking African potato snacks for President Motlanthe. Her spokeswoman also denied that she had been asked to return the new liver she received while Health Minister.
Speaking to journalists from the Presidency where the Salvation Army was loading the last of Thabo Mbeki's belongings into a van, spokeswoman Clitoris Labuschagne said that just because Tshabalala-Msimang would not have any specific responsibilities, it didn't mean that she would have no responsibilities whatsoever.
Check out the full story here
The latest in the USA Presidential campaigns:
September Fool´s Day...
Someone in the print media industry is taking the piss. Throwing back the sunday times and a cappuccino yesterday morning accidentally saw the paper fall right open on the backpage of the main section. I was aiming to enjoy a good read about WP choking on their chances of a Currie Cup semi but instead got the Jacobzuma aids equivalent of sexual reproduction.
My memory of my first birds and the bees talk with my belter grade 7 ´life skills´ teacher Ms Davies is fairly vivid but I don´t recollect her explaining the fusion on the male and female gamete as going in a dip in an enchanted pool. Nicole Kidman however begs to differ.
NK who is describing her sexual exploits as akin to the Virgin Mary, seems to claim that her new bouncing baby girl Sunday Rose. (yes that is what she named it) was born the conventional way, and by that she isn´t referring to some non-missionary acrobatic position. She, and in all seriousness, attributes the 'miracle' birth of her daughter to the health-giving pristine waters in which she swam while filming the Baz Luhrmann blockbuster Australia near Kununurra in the remote north of WA.
Sky News reported that the 41-year-old Aussie said she and six other women who swam in the waters of a small town in Australia all fell pregnant. She never thought that she would get pregnant, but after this magical swim, “seven babies were conceived. There is something up there in the Kununurra water because we all went swimming … so we can call it the fertility waters now,” Kidman said.
This is fantastic. Are her and ex-Tom Cruise having a media showdown over who can say the outrageous thing? There is naat a fuck any right minded guy should let his girl going swimming in Western Australia then, and not because she might fall pregnant, but because by the looks of it the tyke will come out with red hair...
Someone in the print media industry is taking the piss. Throwing back the sunday times and a cappuccino yesterday morning accidentally saw the paper fall right open on the backpage of the main section. I was aiming to enjoy a good read about WP choking on their chances of a Currie Cup semi but instead got the Jacobzuma aids equivalent of sexual reproduction.
My memory of my first birds and the bees talk with my belter grade 7 ´life skills´ teacher Ms Davies is fairly vivid but I don´t recollect her explaining the fusion on the male and female gamete as going in a dip in an enchanted pool. Nicole Kidman however begs to differ.
NK who is describing her sexual exploits as akin to the Virgin Mary, seems to claim that her new bouncing baby girl Sunday Rose. (yes that is what she named it) was born the conventional way, and by that she isn´t referring to some non-missionary acrobatic position. She, and in all seriousness, attributes the 'miracle' birth of her daughter to the health-giving pristine waters in which she swam while filming the Baz Luhrmann blockbuster Australia near Kununurra in the remote north of WA.
Sky News reported that the 41-year-old Aussie said she and six other women who swam in the waters of a small town in Australia all fell pregnant. She never thought that she would get pregnant, but after this magical swim, “seven babies were conceived. There is something up there in the Kununurra water because we all went swimming … so we can call it the fertility waters now,” Kidman said.
This is fantastic. Are her and ex-Tom Cruise having a media showdown over who can say the outrageous thing? There is naat a fuck any right minded guy should let his girl going swimming in Western Australia then, and not because she might fall pregnant, but because by the looks of it the tyke will come out with red hair...
Thursday, September 25, 2008
The King is Dead, Long Live the King ...
Introducing your new President. About whom you'd probably heard nothing until 2 months ago. Unless you're on the ANC mailing list, happened to be passing through Polokwane, or were hurling chairs and mooning people at the ANCYL conference a few months back.
This is probably a good thing though, because as someone smart once said, the kind of person you'd want to lead your country, is probably not the kind of person who'd be ambitious enough to publicly and eagerly run for president. On second thought, I might have just made that up.
In the interests of promoting democracy and an increasing knowledgeable electorate we though we'd bring you a few fun facts about the new Commander-in-nKhosi, Kgalema Motlanthe (not all of these are made-up, bonus points for spotting the false ones)
1) His first name is Petrus
2) He is widely regarded as the brains behind Jacob Zuma coup de'tat (some way behind one would imagine)
3) He enjoys long walks on the beach
4)He is a major shareholder of an investment company which recieved an R800 million l0an from the Land Bank, and promptly misplaced it.
5) Motlanthe is the youngest of 13 children. His exact date of birth is unknown, but he is believed to be about 58.
6) He might well be the SA's best hope, but we'll see.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Watch the space...
I just love moments like these. Little pockmarks in history when on the world stage people ever so subtly refer to something so much bigger, and you really have to be paying attention to notice.
My memory fails me for an example right now but I do remember when young Kelly Kapawowski told me in grade 7, the chance of me coming right with her were one in a million. Little did poor Kelly know at the time that I was a fuckin´ good betting man.
But here we have one of our own, clearly telling the world press that he isn´t a rock star..! I know the profoundness of the space wasn´t lost on you.
"It's well overdue. But the coach and the team both know that it's not one person that's gonna win something. I am neither Maradona nor a rock star.¨
Yes, Dan, we know you don´t play an instrument...unless of course you could liken the opposition to the spanish guitar...
I just love moments like these. Little pockmarks in history when on the world stage people ever so subtly refer to something so much bigger, and you really have to be paying attention to notice.
My memory fails me for an example right now but I do remember when young Kelly Kapawowski told me in grade 7, the chance of me coming right with her were one in a million. Little did poor Kelly know at the time that I was a fuckin´ good betting man.
But here we have one of our own, clearly telling the world press that he isn´t a rock star..! I know the profoundness of the space wasn´t lost on you.
"It's well overdue. But the coach and the team both know that it's not one person that's gonna win something. I am neither Maradona nor a rock star.¨
Yes, Dan, we know you don´t play an instrument...unless of course you could liken the opposition to the spanish guitar...
Monday, September 22, 2008
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Fumblings...
Last week I had a go at the dude who celebrated before the line in a 100m race only to be taken over. This is right up there with that.
DeSean Jackson, the new signing rookie receiver for the Philly Eagles this weekend caught a Donovan McNabb pass, turned around and had nothing but the end zone in front of him. The over exuberant Jackson steamed into the End Zone and slammed the ball down into the turf to celebrate his TD. Only thing is he celebrated a yard too early and the ball landed on the one yard line!
The match officials ruled it a fumble and the Eagles kept possession from the 1yard, from which they - luckily for Jackson - scored off.
Very funny...search for it on youtube.
Last week I had a go at the dude who celebrated before the line in a 100m race only to be taken over. This is right up there with that.
Hubris: (a) a term used in modern English to indicate overweening pride, self-confidence, superciliousness, or arrogance, often resulting in fatal retribution.
(b) DeSean Jackson
DeSean Jackson, the new signing rookie receiver for the Philly Eagles this weekend caught a Donovan McNabb pass, turned around and had nothing but the end zone in front of him. The over exuberant Jackson steamed into the End Zone and slammed the ball down into the turf to celebrate his TD. Only thing is he celebrated a yard too early and the ball landed on the one yard line!
The match officials ruled it a fumble and the Eagles kept possession from the 1yard, from which they - luckily for Jackson - scored off.
Very funny...search for it on youtube.
How badly have you done?
How badly do you not want your name to be Christopher Ablett right? You see on the 2nd September Chris got into a fight with a 46 year old man in a bar in California and shot the guy. The guy is dead.
You kill a man in most countries, you are up for murder unless you can establish self-defense. Well, Chris might as well be in South Africa cause the criminal justice system is the last of his worries. Why?
The guy Chris shot was Mark ´Papa´ Guardado? So why do they call him the rabbi - well he is a rabbi! So why do they call him the fairy - well he is a fairy! So why do they call this man Papa? Well cause he is basically the Father of the Hells Angel Motorcycle gang.
Yes the largest motorcyle gang in the world...
About 2000 Hells Angel members attended his funeral, with some coming all the way from Europe. That is a serious following. At first maybe Ablett would do himself some good getting locked away from the revenge seeking masses, but then again I am sure there are plenty HA members in prison who are familiar with the American History X shower scene.
Ablett is apparently the head of the Mongols Motorcyle gang. The Mongol´s have chapters in two California counties, one of which is probably New Port. This is crazy. It is like the captain of the Latvian rugby side running up and tackling Ricky McCaw as he is singing the national anthem before a World Cup Final. Except I suppose in this example, it is rather far fetched the McCaw would be playing in a RWC final...
How badly do you not want your name to be Christopher Ablett right? You see on the 2nd September Chris got into a fight with a 46 year old man in a bar in California and shot the guy. The guy is dead.
You kill a man in most countries, you are up for murder unless you can establish self-defense. Well, Chris might as well be in South Africa cause the criminal justice system is the last of his worries. Why?
The guy Chris shot was Mark ´Papa´ Guardado? So why do they call him the rabbi - well he is a rabbi! So why do they call him the fairy - well he is a fairy! So why do they call this man Papa? Well cause he is basically the Father of the Hells Angel Motorcycle gang.
Yes the largest motorcyle gang in the world...
About 2000 Hells Angel members attended his funeral, with some coming all the way from Europe. That is a serious following. At first maybe Ablett would do himself some good getting locked away from the revenge seeking masses, but then again I am sure there are plenty HA members in prison who are familiar with the American History X shower scene.
Ablett is apparently the head of the Mongols Motorcyle gang. The Mongol´s have chapters in two California counties, one of which is probably New Port. This is crazy. It is like the captain of the Latvian rugby side running up and tackling Ricky McCaw as he is singing the national anthem before a World Cup Final. Except I suppose in this example, it is rather far fetched the McCaw would be playing in a RWC final...
Monday, September 15, 2008
Maandag Meisie...
She isn´t afrikaans, so don´t worry, although she probably speaks just as little english...
She isn´t afrikaans, so don´t worry, although she probably speaks just as little english...
Labels:
Monday Girl
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Sharp-hero...
Follow this course of events: time line sketchy.
Julius Mlrema: I will kill for Zuma.
JZ: No comment.
Gwede Mantashe: The judiciary is counter-revolutionary.
JZ: No comment.
Zwelinzima Vavi: We will kill anything that tries to stop our leader, Zuma.
JZ: No comment.
Blade Nzimande: No comment - too busy spending I mean, explaining the missing R500 000.
JZ: No comment.
Shapiro: Cartoons paints a million words.
JZ: We will never undermine the judiciary. My party has full faith in the judiciary.
I know Zuma went out to say the judiciary wasn´t above criticism, in his speech Access to Justice at the University of Jozi yesterday, but we know that. The point is - after months of his accomplices helping him attempt to rape the judiciary he has said nothing. Then are sharp hero publishes a devilishly controversial cartoon and the next day the man is singing the judiciary´s praise and advocating it´s independence.
This is either a victory for the power of civil society or just a scared man awaiting verdict...
Follow this course of events: time line sketchy.
Julius Mlrema: I will kill for Zuma.
JZ: No comment.
Gwede Mantashe: The judiciary is counter-revolutionary.
JZ: No comment.
Zwelinzima Vavi: We will kill anything that tries to stop our leader, Zuma.
JZ: No comment.
Blade Nzimande: No comment - too busy spending I mean, explaining the missing R500 000.
JZ: No comment.
Shapiro: Cartoons paints a million words.
JZ: We will never undermine the judiciary. My party has full faith in the judiciary.
I know Zuma went out to say the judiciary wasn´t above criticism, in his speech Access to Justice at the University of Jozi yesterday, but we know that. The point is - after months of his accomplices helping him attempt to rape the judiciary he has said nothing. Then are sharp hero publishes a devilishly controversial cartoon and the next day the man is singing the judiciary´s praise and advocating it´s independence.
This is either a victory for the power of civil society or just a scared man awaiting verdict...
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
The World Stage...
So while South Africa enjoys relishing in Oscar Pistorius´s triumphant gold medal display I am going to enjoy something far more interesting. Not sure how many of you watched the race at noon today or are lucky enough to have a TV at work, or better yet a company that doesn´t block youtube, but how many of you noticed this?
What is funnier than watching Earl Rose and Joe Van Niekerk sharing trade secrets?
How about watching some idiot start fist thumbing his chest Usain Bolt style before the finish line only to have another competitor come flying past to take the gold. Brilliant...
So while South Africa enjoys relishing in Oscar Pistorius´s triumphant gold medal display I am going to enjoy something far more interesting. Not sure how many of you watched the race at noon today or are lucky enough to have a TV at work, or better yet a company that doesn´t block youtube, but how many of you noticed this?
What is funnier than watching Earl Rose and Joe Van Niekerk sharing trade secrets?
How about watching some idiot start fist thumbing his chest Usain Bolt style before the finish line only to have another competitor come flying past to take the gold. Brilliant...
Monday, September 08, 2008
Friday, September 05, 2008
Fetcher...
This was pillaged from the interweb like I was half George Smith half Ritchie McCaw feeding at a Springbok ruck. I can´t claim the glory at writing this piece but will claim the glory for bringing it to you. It is written by a world famous balaclava model and radio personality. Utterly brilliant...
Peter: It has been challenging Dan. When you walk through the shadow of the valley of death, sometimes it's difficult to know which side your bread is buttered. But ultimately our strengths have allowed us to go the extra mile, and our weaknesses have not caught us short.
Dan: You've faced a lot of criticism during your tenure as coach. How have you dealt with that?
Peter: I have always believed that people who live in glass houses should not throw rocks, as you can see through the walls if they are glass, so you know who is throwing the rocks. But you cannot shut the door after the horse has bolted — you must catch the horse, and take it to water, to see if it will drink. That is all you can do.
Dan: I see... You've had a lot of faith in certain players, with Percy Montgomery reaching his hundred caps under you.
Peter: I have always liked Percy. I said at the start, when I was still in Cape Town, that if I cannot bring Montgomery to Table Mountain, then I must take Table Mountain to Montgomery. Just as Michael Owen took goals to Newcastle, so Percy has hit the nail on the head for me. And he has wonderful hair.
Dan: How important have your assistants been?
Peter: Gary Gold also has wonderful hair. I always tell him he has a golden touch, because his surname is Gold, which always makes him laugh. Laughter is very good as medicine, especially if you do not have medical aid. Dick Muir doesn't have such nice hair, and he gets upset when I make a joke with his name. But they are ivory towers of strength. Without them, I am like Samson after getting a haircut.
Dan: How did you rate the All Black and Wallaby sides this year?
Peter: I think you can try to turn water into wine, but sometimes that wine is corked, and then you have made a difference, but not the one you wanted. Then have you succeeded? That is the question for Australia. The All Blacks have made a good wine, but they must not drink too much of it, because sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel is a train, and if you get off track, your chickens will be counted before they have hatched, leaving your eggs in different baskets. That is what New Zealand must understand.
Dan: There's been talk of resting players for the end of year tour...
Peter: It is a long walk to freedom, and also a long flight to London, so I must ask myself, where do I draw the line? And what do I draw it with? Also, which players most need to get duty-free shopping for Christmas? These are important questions; sometimes the answer lies therein.
Dan: Will you be getting a break before the tour at the end of year? Peter: I will be spending some time away from myself, relaxing, and reading my book of quotes from George Bush, which I always find inspiring. I also like watching the hotel documentaries of Mr. Basil Fawlty, another great man. It is very important to have role model
This was pillaged from the interweb like I was half George Smith half Ritchie McCaw feeding at a Springbok ruck. I can´t claim the glory at writing this piece but will claim the glory for bringing it to you. It is written by a world famous balaclava model and radio personality. Utterly brilliant...
With the Tri-Nations now over for South Africa, iafrica.com caught up with Springbok coach Peter de Villiers for an 'exclusive' tete-a-tete...
Dan: It's been a tough introduction for you Peter — a great win to finish, but a difficult run before that...Peter: It has been challenging Dan. When you walk through the shadow of the valley of death, sometimes it's difficult to know which side your bread is buttered. But ultimately our strengths have allowed us to go the extra mile, and our weaknesses have not caught us short.
Dan: You've faced a lot of criticism during your tenure as coach. How have you dealt with that?
Peter: I have always believed that people who live in glass houses should not throw rocks, as you can see through the walls if they are glass, so you know who is throwing the rocks. But you cannot shut the door after the horse has bolted — you must catch the horse, and take it to water, to see if it will drink. That is all you can do.
Dan: I see... You've had a lot of faith in certain players, with Percy Montgomery reaching his hundred caps under you.
Peter: I have always liked Percy. I said at the start, when I was still in Cape Town, that if I cannot bring Montgomery to Table Mountain, then I must take Table Mountain to Montgomery. Just as Michael Owen took goals to Newcastle, so Percy has hit the nail on the head for me. And he has wonderful hair.
Dan: How important have your assistants been?
Peter: Gary Gold also has wonderful hair. I always tell him he has a golden touch, because his surname is Gold, which always makes him laugh. Laughter is very good as medicine, especially if you do not have medical aid. Dick Muir doesn't have such nice hair, and he gets upset when I make a joke with his name. But they are ivory towers of strength. Without them, I am like Samson after getting a haircut.
Dan: How did you rate the All Black and Wallaby sides this year?
Peter: I think you can try to turn water into wine, but sometimes that wine is corked, and then you have made a difference, but not the one you wanted. Then have you succeeded? That is the question for Australia. The All Blacks have made a good wine, but they must not drink too much of it, because sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel is a train, and if you get off track, your chickens will be counted before they have hatched, leaving your eggs in different baskets. That is what New Zealand must understand.
Dan: There's been talk of resting players for the end of year tour...
Peter: It is a long walk to freedom, and also a long flight to London, so I must ask myself, where do I draw the line? And what do I draw it with? Also, which players most need to get duty-free shopping for Christmas? These are important questions; sometimes the answer lies therein.
Dan: Will you be getting a break before the tour at the end of year? Peter: I will be spending some time away from myself, relaxing, and reading my book of quotes from George Bush, which I always find inspiring. I also like watching the hotel documentaries of Mr. Basil Fawlty, another great man. It is very important to have role model
While we were sleeping...
We feel your misery in that there is not enough time in each week to get everything you want to do done, plus all the things you´d like to do done, and then still have time left over for some 3rd person time. However we don´t feel your misery in missing the first game of the 08/09 NFL season.
The bowl holding Giants beat the Redskins on wednesday to start the season. After the game, long time commentating legend John Madden, felt that the players looked pre-season rusty but the cheerleaders were regular season ready...
Monday, September 01, 2008
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Monday Girl
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