RSLJ: Article 6 The Battle

Every rockstar is constantly faced by a variety of trials and tribulations in every day life and beyond. Now of all these little tests or life battles, some are common to all rockstars whereas some are unique to only certain of them. These unique ones depend on the type of star the rock is and the type of life he would lead.

-----------------------------------------Battles: Strategic

To add a personal edge to the article I’ll share some of my personal life battles. The everyday mundane ones include which beater to sport under my t-shirt, whether or not to upsize my ‘vide’ americano to a grande and whether to smash a chicken burger before or after 5th period. The more significant ones go along the lines of which course to study or whether to do an ‘all-nighter’ or to hit the sack immediately and try wake up at 4am. Of course there are more important emotional ones but neither do I want to write about them nor do you want to read about them. [if the urge to read about such emotional battles persists try cosmo.com or a heavy dose of vodka and sleeping pills]

Despite the different types of lives men have and the difference in their degree of rockstarism all men share one type of battle. One horrible facet that plays an important role as any in the world war that is our life is that of ‘Pulling Chicks’.

Now ‘pulling chicks’ is not the cockdiesel quote a rockstar throws out as the goal of an evening out, we leave that to the collar-up backwardsideways trucker-sporting idiots. ‘Pulling chicks’ is the generic term for coaxing the most beautiful women (according to our means) to linger within enough propinquity so as to fall prey to our magnetic charm and rico gearish finishing ability. No matter what degree of rockstarism will hang from the eulogy on your tombstone, every guy will ‘battle’ in this department.

You see that ability of your ‘pull’ is of no consequence when it comes to sweeping a showstopper off her feet. Showstoppers are not the metaphorical marlins you hear about during drunken Greenman conversations that jump into your boat and catch you unawares. Showstoppers require a hard arduous determined battle that I dare to define as a war of attrition. You really have to work, you really have to battle.

However there is a part of my coherent argument that is a wee bit fallacious. You see the part about where all men share this battle? Well if it is the rule, then there is an anomaly. Now I haven’t met the rockstar but he certainly doesn’t share this ‘battle’ with the rest of us. In fact the only battle he probably has to fight is where best to spend his wealth of good looks, fame, fortune and omnipotent given talent.


Dan Carter certainly doesn’t battle with pulling chicks. The dude is 23. He is the first choice flyhalf for the best rugby team in the world, which means he is the best flyhalf in the world. And if you doubt that then ask the IRB. Now I was pretty sure by watching the kid carve any type of defence thrown at him, kick a pigskin through uprights from any angle, run circles around every nationality of mere mortal defence and that assisted with his good looks he was always going to whip chicks. However he now just got the accolade of the best rugby player in the world for 2005.

You know that sick feeling you have in your stomach on how disgusting it is that he got all that in one go well its about to grow like a cancerous tumour. When asked about his award he replied, “it’s been a pretty big year and I feel pretty humble to receive an award like this…”

So the oke is like a 9, he has more sporting gifts than an aspiring jock on his 7th birthday, he has girls drooling over him like he was the latest addition to the Guess accessory range and worst of all he is so supremely confident in himself he can be disgustingly humble.


So that adds to our shared battle, cause now we have to battle him and he is like the wall of Jericho. Never fear though if we join forces he is little we can take him…

The Filly, The Witch and The Competition...

Okay so CS Lewis was onto nothing at all similar to what I am but whatever. So I have been harping on about this America's Hottest College Chick compo just cause it is ...well...blady awesome. It's like the super 12 but without rugby and not in april. Anyway the four finalists has been chosen and with reference to the post below, we have:

Semi Final 1: Chelsea v Sara
Semi Final 2: Rachel v Allie

Now for the one we have chosen to back. It was a tough decision to make was this one but not cause we don't find it obvious who the hottest girl is but for because a certain rockstar (aka accomplice contributor) drank an amount to which it would be quoting to describe and has been unavailable for sometime now to have the capacity to be conferred with, and we have had to deal with the horrible fact that our IDOL filly got axed from the final two for this weekends show down, and have since doubted our abilities. We gave our faith to Nicky when she changed her name from the beastly dutch-esque vera-whatever and placed it mainly in her ample bosom and sexy legs. Unfortunately the requirements in SA to be an singing Idol is the same as been a radio personality, looks play no roll. (look no further than Gareth Cliff for proof, if your stomach is strong enough.) We've decided to back ourselves and Sara...

Moving on I made reference in a previous post about uncovering an interesting twist in the competition. Prosecution would like to submit evidence:

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

Now the first picture is what Rachel used to accelerate herself quickly into the quarter finals. It is a great depiction of what looks like an incredible tanned body sexily strewn over satin sheets in bright lighting. Very conducive to prompting half the male population of the world to vote for you! However she was obivously (assumed) to have been asked enter a more clear photo of herself as she is obviously cheating the camera and the votes. Hence the 2nd photo where it is exposed that her gavinhenson skin colour is actually closer to a scottish square dancers calves which goes with her flaming wortal hair...

There is no doubting the witch has a fit body but I would like to laud the man who uncovered and pursued this truth. Can you imagine the injustice of serenading a girl, taking her home to the comfort of darkness only to discover the next morning that she flames jumping from her scalp? Not cool...

I Just Want To Feel...

How cool is the internet? Whenever something new and wicked comes around people always use that killer cliché “it’s the coolest thing since sliced bread”... What a crock of shit. How can glorified carbohydrates shaped in thin longitudinal segments be considered the bench mark of civilization. Surely sedgeways, blogspots, ipods or mini pizzas out strip Albany’s finest in the last dash for the title…

Okay even if they don’t, the internet definitely does. I know there are some extreme technocratic psycho conspiracy theorists out there that think it is a tool the US government uses to control civilization by perpetuating 3rd world debt, stealing credit card details and distributing porn to the rest of the world so as to retard the rest of the world’s ability to gain power and develop into a contender when it comes to the World Cup of Big Dog nations quadrennial, but such people are twats.


But how cool is this net thing anyway? Sure you can buy anything from asian children to sliced bread on it but for fuck sakes you can’t buy Robbie Williams tickets. Fair, maybe it is just SA’s lack of a decent website in Computicket.com (our powers have been retarded by the US and their sneaky schemes) that couldn’t cope with the inundation of screaming female fans that logged on at 9am this morning or this net thing is overrated.

I just wanted to feel the that amazing flash mobbing sensations of 10000 like minded screaming school girl fans and most of Cape Town’s ‘Seapoint’ residency pushing and shoving me to and fro whilst that pommie ex-boyband Rockstar serenades some knebworth-esque fat bitch with one of his wicked tracks…

Oh well…

We're Back...

I know it has been an absolute age since we put something up but you know how demanding preparing for a world tour can be. But now that lifes lesser commitmets (and the subsequent 3 day binge) are out the way we will be back doing this...

And to herald this great occassion is a lovely little post that we have promised ages ago about how the collegehumor.com America's Hottest College Girl is going.

Well we know who 2 of the final four are and who is contending for the remaing two spots. AND I uncovered an intersting little twist in the competitive saga... all will be revealed...

And representing the North part of the country is: Chelsea

And represnting the East: Rachel

Slogging it out for the West: Jacintha v Sara

and for the South: Miranda v Allie

So those are the girls that have been narrowed down from the countless nubile chicks that managed to get past the screening stage. We're going to pick a favourite and back our filly. (just as soon as rockstar accomplice wakes up from his hangover...)

Up to you....

Depending on your personal preference in regard to silly arb witty humour you'll either love these or think they really stupid...

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. Theceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you,but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:"A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you,"says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire inthe craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standingin the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After aboutan hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse."But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can'tstand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The othergoes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sendsa picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture,she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)....A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who pu twenty different puns in his blogspot, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make people laugh. No pun in ten did.

Monday Girl (late...)


Yes Yes I know its tuesday but monday was busy, so its not my fault that Brook is late but I would mind giving it a try...(making her late that is...late for work)

The Debate:

We said it was coming and it is. Our two Rockstar contributors [Rockstar & GH#12 ] will be going keyboard-to-keyboard in a randomly selected debate. We randomly chose an interesting topic and then randomly chose sides. Hopefully the results won't be random.

The rules of the stand-off:
Purport your argument in less than 500 words and keep profanity to a minimum, actually fuck it just keep it short.
Otherwise, its no holds barred.

The Topic:
Rat Pack v Frat Pack












It should be good and it should be coming soon...

George Orwell...

I know the whole Orwelian Big Brother is watching you things is one of the biggest cliches ever used, but I am jumping on the band wagon - even though I know its like flogging a dead horse, and that you should never kick a man when he is down or count your chickens before they hatch or call any kettle black - I am just going to do it.

We ... are watching you. Yes YOU! Yes, you in Mauritius.

Are you here?

Just hope you read the site and laugh and don't sit there and shake your head. I am going to take this opportunity to invite you to comment when you choose. Please feel free...