RSLJ: Article 4 Home-wrecking: Harsh or fair?

Miam Miam. Friday night full. You there with your Group. Nonchalantly leaning against the bar sipping your Millers. Effortlessly tossing out that rockstarish vibe. There is little doubt you’re a lead contender for the next free chicken burger voucher. Up sidles that saucy little blonde girl and…

In a place where the atmosphere is more sex charged than an open-cast funeral of a deceased member of a necrophiliac support group and where the only things more abundant than (excruciatingly) loud music are expensive drinks and expensive looking women one thing is bound to happen. Someone is going to come right. If you’re the guy. Great. If you’re not the guy but the saucy little blonde girl is your girlfriend…not so great.

It happens. It happens more often than you think. It doesn’t happen more often than the situation where the guy cheats on the girl but that’s not my concern here. The crackwhore (saucy blonde girl) is not my concern either. As long as she thinks of me when she has another drink and drives herself home I’m content. [thanks Brand New] My concern is the 3rd party. The guy that drove the wrecking ball through your palatial little love nest.

It is very difficult to find a norm or rule to follow in such circumstances as every case is unique in its context and content. The (rhetorical) question I ask is what kind of guy kisses a doll that is in a committed relationship? I come up with 4 types:

Type A: Mr Bona Fide, aka Mr ‘I-really-hadn’t-a-clue’
The unsuspecting guy who, in good-faith, yielded to the pressure of the advances from Miss Saucy Blondgirl’s extravagant offensive pull tactics and really hadn’t a clue she had a boyfriend. This type is the most rare as such a situation is very uncommon. It takes two to tango but one to poll-dance. Type A would have to be a complete rockstar to warrant such advances and Ms SB an utter crackwhore. 3rd Party 0 CW 1.

Type B: Mr Bob 'Deepthroat' Woodward, aka Mr ‘I-really-did-know-but-will-claim-I-didn’t’
This guy gets wind that Ms SB does in fact carry the stamp of another guy but works on the theory that if he doesn’t know the boyfriend, the boyfriend isn’t there to stop it and she is up for it then what the hell. This is a very defendable position but still enough to get the home-wrecking t-shirt, so half a point. The chicks obviously played a big role in letting it happen…bitch. 3rd Party ½ CW 2.

Type C: Mr Bulenani Ngcuka, aka Mr ‘We-have-mutual-friends’
This guys a fuck. He doesn’t know you personally but he’s heard of you. (tricky for Rockstars as many people have heard of us) Put it this way, he knows people that know you and they know that this tight little piece of blonde ass in the saucy little skirt is meant for your exclusive connubial pleasure. Whether she played a proactive role in the action of deceit or not is irrelevant as she qualifies for a point by allowing it. 3rd Party 1 ½ CW 3.

Type D: Mr Judas, aka Mr ‘Sorry-can-I-have-my-knife-back-when-your-back-is-done-with-it?’
This guy is a world-class snake in the grass. This two faced prick masquerades as your blood buddy during the day but at night turns into a blonde stealing bastard. He will dance with her, flirt with her, sms her, compliment her and buy her drinks, and when your back is turned he’ll snake her. He wrote the book on home-wrecking and prefers to implode the building than use the ball. 2 points. But as with everything in life, the wheel comes full circle and so will his irate ex-mates 16” alloy mag over his head…

------------------------Final Score: 3rd Party 3 ½ CW 4.

Moral: In most scenarios the guys are at fault but ultimately the girl always is…

PARIS HILTON SCREWING BY A POOL...

Which optimistic prick said life wasn't a let down... Hope you read the title first and were heartbroken when you saw the picture... Hope I ruined your day! Just kidding, hope it was crap before this anti-climax and I just made it worse.

[Why the beef? After reading the same title above, I waited with child-like optimism for this picture to download. It took ages and every second that pasted the fire of anticipation grew brighter inside me. I thought I was on the verge of something special. New porn of Paris doesn't hit the net as often as it used to/should. My fire was doused like a little jewish kid finding out he couldnt believe in Santa Claus. I wasn't a happy camper.]

Rockstar of the Moment ...

Here at the Rockstar Journals we don't like to reward celebrity. Being famous is overrated. Plus, there are enough fringe benefits already without additionally being recognised by a prestigous publication such as ourselves.

On the other hand, some celebrities are undeniably cool. Like the Hoff. And this week's Rockstar, Wilmer Valderamma. While you might recognise him as the geeky Fez from That 70's Show, Wil is no slouch. So far he has racked up a fairly impressive list of conquests which include Mandy Moore, Lindsay Lohan and Eva Longoria. That in itself would probably secure him his chicken burger, but the lad has now truly outdone himself.



What Would Tyler Durden Do reports that:

“Wilmer Valderrama has struck again. The "That '70s Show"
chick magnet was spotted locking lips with "My Name Is Earl" star Jaime Pressly
at Tao Las Vegas last weekend.”

I mean - my God - Jaime Pressly. The girl was not entirely ignored when looks were being handed out. This man needs to set up a school or university. Public buildings should be named after him. I'll even go one better - Wil, this week - the chicken burger's on us.

3 in 1…

So right here on this very site you have read about sports, drinking and the art of quoting. (quoting usually about the first 2 categories) This post has all three in one. This could be likened to a threesome of blogging pleasure. If it is your first online ménage du trios…read on and enjoy. It is a pleasure.

Exhibit A: Drinking

Meet Kyle Orton. Obviously drunk, and slightly rude, Kyle is barside ready to mouth another mammoth order. Please note the petite blonde girl looking to get close to the action and the guy in the baby blue (fag) shirt gawking at Kyle's imposing presence!

Exhibit B: Quoting

Kyle Orton standing on a barcounter armed with bottle of Jim (when you know him like Kyle) with a huge spillage stain down his shirt front, and deftly holding not one but two plastic cups. Read: Fuck I drink a lot and have skills...

Exhibit C: Sport


This is Kyle Orton’s day job. At 6 ft 4 and 223 pounds this fake Babagodouche is no. 18 the first rookie to start the opening game of the season for the Chicago Bears at quater-back. This means he is a famous sporting celebrity in Chicago. He is huge, think Brandon Jack wondering the corridors of Benoni High School, albeit sans the sporting talent.

The Bears had a bye this weekend but in season regulations on drinking in Chicago seem fairly relaxed… At least he doesn’t get Ferguson drunk and take his clothes off…

Quantity not quality...

I got an email the other day requesting I elaborate on my definition of a porksword. Very simply a picture paints a thousand words. This picture paints a truckload more than a 1000. As for the title... it has no relevance to any of this... but I thought it didn't look out of place.

Hurricane Katrina ...

While I'm being politically incorrect, I though I'd subject you to that subject line. Am I trying too hard here?

Rockstars, we present to you the lovely Katrina Kerns. She's the back up singer for the indie-band Sufjan Stevens, as well as a Ford Model. Overachiever? Do we like them any other way? As long as she does my eggs over-easy, I'm not threatened.














Just as entertaining as these wonderful photos is this little war of words between two internet geeks claiming the right to Ms. Kerns' affections. 'Cool Incarnate' may be as close to a rockstar as geek will ever come. Good work, son.

For all those infatuated with the lovely Katrina Kerns, I'd like to put all your silly perversions to rest. She is not available for you to drool all over. So, I suggest that you except the fact that you are all out of your league and enjoy her contribution to the music rather than making a visual display of her all over the internet.
thnx.

Posted by: typo at August 24, 2005 01:30 PM

Uh...actually, I think she's quite available for me to drool over. In fact, she's on my computer screen right now. Now THAT's available, my friend.
And since when is it "perverted" to compliment a woman's looks? Are you serious?
And precisely why would she be out of my league? I happen to be a very handsome and well-mannered individual with a good record collection, white teeth, and great friends. I hold down a steady job, know my way around a kitchen and speak four languages. Out of my league? I play in the major leagues, son.
You sound like that loser she probably dumped before she left to go on tour. Tough shit, kid. I'll tell her you say 'hi' when I pick her up for our dinner at Nobu next week


And another thing...
I think you confused the word "except" with "accept". I mean, it's an easy mistake. They're basically the exact same word, you know, when you don't factor in the completely different meanings, and the spelling, and all that other English language bullshit.
No wonder she left you. Katrina looks like a pretty literate girl to me. By which I mean, both pretty and literate.

Posted by: cool incarnate at August 24, 2005 10:36 PM

Conspiracy Theories ...

JFK was shot by three gunmen, Princess Diana was assasinated by MI6, the pyramids were built by aliens, the Apollo 11 moon landings were faked and George W. Bush is really a cold-blooded reptile, and the Wallabies use steroids and get away with it. All conspiracy theories which the average human being wouldn't waste his time investigating, or believing. (Except the last two which everyone knows are true.)

Luckily for you, I'm not the average human being - far from (or is it beyond) it. Not that I have the requisite time or patience or look into these ridiculous rumours either, but I do have time to formulate some of my own, proudly South African ones. Right, buckle up girls and boys, it's going to get bumpy.

1) Brett Kebble was assassinated by the Sunday Times so that they had something to write about for once, and so that someone would actually buy their paper.
2) Apartheid was some sort of huge 'conspiracy' to keep black people downtrodden, and take all the riches of Africa for white people.
3) Maties (Stellenbosch 1st XV) threw their game against Vics (Stellenbosch 2nd XV) so that Vics could avoid relegation.

The beauty of these theories, they're all probably true. So you can't disprove me. And that makes me right. And better than you.

Rumours that Stellenbosch used reptilian Afrikaners to get

Princess Diana to assassinate JFK were never proved. Or disproved

Was your day tough...?


So if you think you had a hard day, try think about old Bobby here. He spends his day on his knuckles and then gets ejected at halftime from his High School football game cause the officials ruled he wasn't wearing the necessary regulation knee and thigh guard equipment. They cited his safety as their primary concern.

"Good one Mr Ref (aka you fat striped prick) very thoughtful of you to look after the safety of my thigh muscles, can I just point out I don't have any friggan legs???"

Rockstar of the Moment ...

The oddly named Kenrick Brown scoops this week's award for his outstanding dedication and commitment. Described as ' the fittest man in Western Cape rugby' and self-described as 'the best looking man in Western Cape rugby' Kenrick's hard work paid off when he found himself picked out of the relative obscurity of UCT 3rd XV to represent the 1sts. Just desserts for the guy who only refers to summer as 'the off-season'.

"Kenrick Brown will play 'rep rugby' if he puts on 15-30kg"
- Alan Solomons

Instrumental in this week's triumph over Maties and this season's 8 and 0 run, Kenrick definitely deserves the title rockstar, irrespective of what those many broken-hearted females (whose names start with an A) out there might say.

Kenrick, this week there's a chicken burger on us. Provided you can figure out how to print out this nifty little voucher (should be no problem for someone with your experience in INF102S).

Lose Lose Sex Situation...

My mate Joey says this happened to him but he might have just got it by email…

He was in bed with his girlfriend and things get steamy, then she stops it all of a sardine and says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
Joey said "Sorry??!! What are you on about?!"
So she answers in true chick style... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She followed that up by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, he went to sleep.

The next day he took the day off work to spend some QT with her. They went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. He walked around with her while she tried on numerous very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so he told her we'd just get them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so he said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. She must have thought he was one wave short of a shipwreck. She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." He replied, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?"
He replied, "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill him, he added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

I don’t think he’ll get sex tonight either…

Changing the World: One Step at a Time…

Here at The Rockstar Journals we realize two things. 1: We know we are better than anyone who cannot sport the rockstar cloak as we do, (they used to be capes but we looked like batman…not that batman isn’t a rockstar but anyway) and 2: that it would seem unfair of us not to give those of you non-RS pointers so you can either make necessary life adjustments or just feel killer pathetic cause the task of making those adjustments is insurmountable.

However it seems we are being successful…

Yes fans, that’s correct! Not only are we brilliant at, inter alia, our sneaky yet effective use of ellipses… but we also get people to make changes that affect their lives. One of our valued readers, who is obviously blessed with more free time than ourselves, brought this interesting news to our attention.

Cast your mind to a posting awhile back concerning the incredibly stupid Dutch-settler name of a potential Idols III contestant. Remember then how pretty 17 yrs Vero-NEEK was cast from the Idols race? Well the pretty little poppie has had a makeover and is back in full force. Turns out she dropped the hideously maties-esque prefix (no doubt thanks to our article) to her perfectly good Anglo name and got a second bite at the Idols apple by getting re-selected in the repecharge stage to make it back into the Top 12.


Thank the Rockstars for bringing back the new and improved Nicky le Grange (I know but we can change that through marriage…) and her gorgeous rack back to our Sunday screens. Unfortunately she still looks like a bonehead with all the make up. Thanks again, to our Anonymous reader for bringing this to our attention, must buy you a beer when you get down here…

Great News… Anchor

A couple of months ago while blogging my little rockstar heart out I fell in love with a little french news anchor babe that did more for my little (everything is little today) soft spot than J.R. Tolkien did for Peter Jackson’s not-so-little livelihood. (except this - a blockbuster trilogy has an effect on your bank balance that is by no means little)

The powers that be have once again smiled on us rockstars and created her a website. I allow you to look but if you look in a manner that displeases me in even the slightest way I’ll end you…

Wedding invites will be available shortly after I organize a trip to France…maybe RWC2007. Kim Smith is going to be gutted...

www.theuriau.com - wow!

RSLJ: Article 3 How not to be a rockstar.

You’re only lying to yourself…

I’m a real man 'cause I drink a fuck load, I spend this much cash each night, I drive lank quickly and my golf handicap is in single digits!

There are many traits that separate rockstars from those other exceptionally un-rockstarish people out there but none more so than the virtue of honesty. Rockstars don’t feel the need to pretend to be something they’re not, they don't need to lie about who they are, or where they've come from (I think I feel a song coming on). Non-rockstars tend to do more pretending than Bangladesh does as a Test cricketing nations.

You can easily spot these 'quote machines'. They’re the one sporting the vest and the sideways trucker ‘quoting’ to some doll about how much of this they did or how hectic they are at that. Interestingly enough, this self-same technique is used to garner the affections of the opposite sex. They create these ‘amazing’ fabricated tales with more spice than a 17th century Dutch merchant trading vessel and relate them to any unsuspecting female while leaning against a bar counter and pensively staring off into the distance.

------------------------------------Quote Machines: Brainless

But, they're not only lying to the naïve chick at the bar, they're lying to themselves. They quote with such conviction that it seems they actually believe it themselves. Clearly they consider themselves inherently so worthless that they need to fabricate this alter ego of a harder-core image and masquerade as that instead. (This, of course, only goes to show that they were right all along.)

Now, I do not assume to have the authority to claim I understand the intricacies of the female mind, nor what they want from guys! But, do they want the guy who ‘got fucked drinking tequila through a straw all night; ended up staying so late he was the last to leave; got into a street fight with 15 guys from which he escaped without a scratch; drove himself home; managed to lie (very convincingly - obviously) his way through two road blocks; had an hour's sleep; woke up and had a beer for breakfast?'

Let's be perfectly honest. If you feel you have to engineer a character in order for a girl to like you, then is she really the type of girl who’s affection you so badly need? Surely if you have to lie to get something its not worth the getting? And if you have to lie to be liked you’re not worth liking. But, and we'll give you this - you're doing a damn fine impression of how not to be a rockstar.

No accident…

The other day whilst sitting at a red robot the car behind me rolls forwards into my rear bumper. [Need I mention it was a female driver? Giving them the vote was our first mistake. Look where that got us - now our roads are no longer safe. But I digress]

I got out to survey the damage (virtually non-existent) and ‘oh my, stop the show’ the offending driver was an absolute belter. Being no school-boy at such rare opportunities (rarer for non-rockstars, I bet) I jumped at the opportunity to exchange particulars, just in case she wanted me to return the favour and bump her rear end. (returning a favour is chivalrous…)

Anyway, I managed to lose her number and her insurance details and only salvaged a copy of her drivers license from the incident. I was hoping any of you who know Janice could forward me her number again.


Much appreciated.

UCT RFC hosts Maties…

This weekend at the Greenmile of Groote Schuur sees the ultimate fixture on this seasons rugby list for many and the line-up of matches is so impressive it will water the mouth of any rugby enthusiast.

Marching Bands: Talented

The main game is UCT 1st XV hosting their traditional rivals from the other side of the Boerewors curtain at 4pm. UCT is yet to be beaten this half of the season, or since the Alan Solomon’s ‘whatever it takes campaign’ while Maties are fresh off their victory at club champs last naweek.

However the rest of the highlites include Martin Bey’s mighty UCT Eagles (aka the 2nd team) who have already secured the league title plus the two internal league finals, dancing girls, marching bands and enough short skirt to water the mouth of any lady enthusiast.

See you on the mile…

Motman is my Hero...

This weirdly named fellow has opened a little window in my life and the warm ray of sunshine that is Kim Smith is now shining brightly through it...


The guy, who's pseudonym inexplicably links him to the female sex in a 'weird' way, was spot on with his info about Kim Smith being the same doll that rocked the boat of many a man in her Van Wilder cameo. It is Kim Smith and I just, again, want to thank him for bringing Kim Smith to the attention of us rockstars here so we can share the Kim Smith phenomenon with the rest of the world... Kim Smith, Kim Smith, Kim Smith....

Have a Kim Smith day, and if you're lucky a Kim Smith night...

Found Cat Day Count: Day 1

So the princess returned today. She is such a ‘showstopper’, she even managed to keep her ladylike poise while being frogmarched into the apartment by the police although sans those mencacing paw-cuffs.


I sat her down and had a long talk about the whole event and sorted everything out. It was all her doing, she was running away in an attempt to regain my attention that apparently had been lacking of late. She was the one who sent in all the hoax pictures and the doctored ransom note. She was trying to lead us off her trail...

She is home safe now but again I reiterate how deeply in gratitude I am for all your support throughout the entire saga.

The mother of...

So necessity is rumoured to be the mother of all inventions. Fair enough, but the adage doesnt end here. Its seems that invention can also be the mother of all indirect quotes...


Dubbed the 'Liquorlock' this nifty little invention is the brainchild of some 'serious' drinker who is, obviously, of the impression that his tipple is so damn important to him that he needs to secure it in his fridge. However the quotes dont end there! These three beauties were actually posted as comments on the page revealing this flava-safe prototype:

- "it'll work until I want the booze so bad I'll just break the neck off" [wow]

- "Whats the point if the bottle is empty?" [double wow]

-"I'll be so hammered I wont remember the code..." [okay stop now]

Candid Camera ...



An outtake of the alleged video of Diego. Looks like he's getting catatonic. Get it? CATatonic.
Okay. Sorry. I couldn't help myself. Good to know he's on his way back though.

Fresh Meat ..

Sorry about the title of this post. It might be mildly inappropriate. It might not. Who am I to judge? In fact, who are you to judge me?

Anyway, on Friday Wonderbra (bless their souls) announced the new face and breasts of Wonderbra. Drum rolll, please ... Lieschen Botes. Not an unknown by any means, having appeared in SASI Swimwear Edition [pictures courtesy of] , but certainly easy on the eyes. So out with the old, and in with the new. Let us know what you think.

__________ The Old _________________________ The New_____________