Monday, December 25, 2006
Monday, December 18, 2006
The orange ball...
We got onto the bus the other day and seated ourselves next to the most self-tanned woman that has ever existed. Have you ever seen the Friends episode where Ross goes for a spray on tan and doesn't turn around, so getting double on one side. This lady was about 5 times worse. I loved the irony in her then asking four South Africans for directions.
Whilst the Sizzle was then working his magic, it came up in conversation that she was involved in the Snow Polo World Champs which was being played on the (get this) rugby fields in Aspen. In a very sharp observation the following question was posed "If its played in the snow, you cant play with a white ball right?" The answer was obviously..."We play with an orange ball." Ra ra
We got onto the bus the other day and seated ourselves next to the most self-tanned woman that has ever existed. Have you ever seen the Friends episode where Ross goes for a spray on tan and doesn't turn around, so getting double on one side. This lady was about 5 times worse. I loved the irony in her then asking four South Africans for directions.
Whilst the Sizzle was then working his magic, it came up in conversation that she was involved in the Snow Polo World Champs which was being played on the (get this) rugby fields in Aspen. In a very sharp observation the following question was posed "If its played in the snow, you cant play with a white ball right?" The answer was obviously..."We play with an orange ball." Ra ra
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Little guy, little guy...let me in!
Somethings are so funny because of the context in which they happened it is hard to translate it into white and black. Hemingway might say the task is insurmoutable, but here at RSJ we try to 'mount' anything...
I love how in most contests the crowd will always have a soft spot for 'the little guy'. Unfortunately this soft spot doesn't match the desires of all the hotties in the crowd to gargel the manhood of the the winning QB; but take nothing away from this soft spot as sentiment does count for some measure of moral achievement. Look at Tunisa at the George 7s!
He ended up phoning someone in a very high place (mind you, any place above 4' 2 is high for him) and passed the phone on to the security guy and they sorted out the 'miscommunication'! However the damage had been done, having to phone your mom to speak to the bouncer is just as provencial as waiting in the queue...
I doubt this story will feature in the little guy's memoires..!
Somethings are so funny because of the context in which they happened it is hard to translate it into white and black. Hemingway might say the task is insurmoutable, but here at RSJ we try to 'mount' anything...
I love how in most contests the crowd will always have a soft spot for 'the little guy'. Unfortunately this soft spot doesn't match the desires of all the hotties in the crowd to gargel the manhood of the the winning QB; but take nothing away from this soft spot as sentiment does count for some measure of moral achievement. Look at Tunisa at the George 7s!
However, this soft spot phenonemon doesn't extend to doormen, bouncers or security personnel as no matter how cute and cuddly you are, you aren't coming my side of the stantion unless you wait your turn like all the other patrons.
I experienced evidence to this fact very recently, this sunday night in fact. We were relaxing at a quiet subdued Camps Bay social venue when time passed into the business end of the innings and security set up their rope barrier and made partygoers queue in an orderly fashion...
The queue amassed about 30 people fairly quickly and as with all queues somebody is brave or special enough to walk right to the front and slide passed the hired muscle with a high 5 or sexy wink. For interests sake, I'm not that guy.
One such 'bravespecial' (and life-ruin-ingly short) guy came barging through the crowd and went for the 'I-come-here-so-often-to-be-considered-a-famous-VIP-local-hence-need-special-treatment-and-I-do-all-this-to-compensate-for-my-ummm...' angle and his crowd ploughing was rudely halted by a big black swinging stiff arm...
Getting asked to politely wait with the other minnows is hardly worth making a post about but the tantrum Lord Farquaard then threw was priceless. Indignant at not been recognised as the guy who spends enough money at the place to warrant special treatment the little guy threw a scene that 6 year old girls could only dream about mimicing in the aisles of toys-r-us this christmas.
He ended up phoning someone in a very high place (mind you, any place above 4' 2 is high for him) and passed the phone on to the security guy and they sorted out the 'miscommunication'! However the damage had been done, having to phone your mom to speak to the bouncer is just as provencial as waiting in the queue...
I doubt this story will feature in the little guy's memoires..!
A thousand apologies...
I must apologise for the lack of posting of late. I stand with GH#12 when he says that he is not happy. I am not happy either. Let me tell you about a time when I was happy though. This will be part 1 of the aforementioned "Why We Went to Aspen: The Story of Dan and Craig."
Two nights ago, I attended a jacuzzi party in a $3 million house in the hills surrounding Aspen and sipped on eggnog whilst listening to a collection of Christmas carols played on the jazz flute. This is my happy place a la Happy Gilmore. I feel the need to mention however, that I have more than 1 happy place and another would be in a bed with the Monday girl below.
No celebrity sightings as of yet. Don't worry though. If Britney and Paris are around with short skirts and no underwear, I will be there. I will sacrifice myself and risk a clout from the meaty hand of a 6ft6 bodyguard to get you the best possible shot.
In less exciting celebrity news, two of my housemates are handling the task of fitting Jerry Seinfelds ski boots this week. They are planning on asking him to tell Kramer to lighten up on the racial slurs.
I promise to write again soon...
Adios
I must apologise for the lack of posting of late. I stand with GH#12 when he says that he is not happy. I am not happy either. Let me tell you about a time when I was happy though. This will be part 1 of the aforementioned "Why We Went to Aspen: The Story of Dan and Craig."
Two nights ago, I attended a jacuzzi party in a $3 million house in the hills surrounding Aspen and sipped on eggnog whilst listening to a collection of Christmas carols played on the jazz flute. This is my happy place a la Happy Gilmore. I feel the need to mention however, that I have more than 1 happy place and another would be in a bed with the Monday girl below.
No celebrity sightings as of yet. Don't worry though. If Britney and Paris are around with short skirts and no underwear, I will be there. I will sacrifice myself and risk a clout from the meaty hand of a 6ft6 bodyguard to get you the best possible shot.
In less exciting celebrity news, two of my housemates are handling the task of fitting Jerry Seinfelds ski boots this week. They are planning on asking him to tell Kramer to lighten up on the racial slurs.
I promise to write again soon...
Adios
Monday, December 11, 2006
Friday, December 08, 2006
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Friday, December 01, 2006
I love these people...
Some people are just great and their efforts need to be recognised, lauded, appreciated and applauded...and what better way than with a rockstar gold star!
Like these people at www.hornyoyster.com. They had the foresight, the vision, nay the talent to run a daring and difficult enquiry into who is the hottest pornstar of all time. What altruism it takes to step up to a plate like this and shoulder the responsibility of such a monumental task.
They have succeeded in their task and are left with a final two: Jenna Jameson and Tera Patrick.
Some people are just great and their efforts need to be recognised, lauded, appreciated and applauded...and what better way than with a rockstar gold star!
Like these people at www.hornyoyster.com. They had the foresight, the vision, nay the talent to run a daring and difficult enquiry into who is the hottest pornstar of all time. What altruism it takes to step up to a plate like this and shoulder the responsibility of such a monumental task.
They have succeeded in their task and are left with a final two: Jenna Jameson and Tera Patrick.
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Daikin leading the struggle to transformation...
It is trite that television and cool air go hand-in-hand with summer like durex and a one night stand. So it is no surprise then that you see adverts for a state of the art air-conditioner range on TV in between the highlites of Graeme's duck(s) and Justin's ton. However what really interested me about the Daikin series of adverts was something else.
It is trite that television and cool air go hand-in-hand with summer like durex and a one night stand. So it is no surprise then that you see adverts for a state of the art air-conditioner range on TV in between the highlites of Graeme's duck(s) and Justin's ton. However what really interested me about the Daikin series of adverts was something else.
The two ads they have shown are both set in a bus. The bus is portrayed as your typical bane of public transport; it is old, cramped, stuffy and friggan hot. The part that the admakers deem 'clever' is when a guy sweating away in the heat is cooled by the sensation of a magazine ad picturing a belter chick in LBD sitting under a Daikin airmachine. The guy then tries to rub his hand up the girls short waist line only to (in ad 1) find his hand on the hairy kilt of a scotsman and (in ad 2) get slapped by a girl resembling the one in the magazine.
Yes they are crap ads and the makers are certainly not going to get the Nandoes or Allan Grey portfolios any time soon. Fair enough sex sells but you have to try relate it to your product surely? Anyway why I waste valuable beach time typing about this is because of how they portrayed the bus...
The opening shots pan through the bus trying to get the point across about how hot it is. They focus on the rows of people, the back of the bus and everyone standing around! What should strike you: less black faces than a 1960 South African sports team.
What are you joking? Not one single person of colour. Now look I also get incensed when black people push the equal opportunities envelope althought rightly so anything should really try and reflect an accurate cross slice of the population but not to depict a black person on public transport is lank unrealistic.
I see Daikin responding in one of two ways: A - it is a foreign ad that they just cut and paste into our market. Or B- they don't see black people as the specific target market for aircontioners.
I am backing them going for the first options because the other is just plain suicide. In which case they are just stupid fucks and too lazy to make a ad that will work on SA television.
Daikin, your silence in responding will be considered an admission of guilt and an acceptence of the mandatory 400 lashes for creating discontent along racial lines, and for taking up valuable 'ryperd' advertising space.
Monday, November 27, 2006
Friday Night Look-a-likes...
This is pretty weird. If you haven't seen Friday Night Lights you must be retarded and since you are reading this you obviously aren't retarded so through my casuistic sound reasoning you must have seen the movie.
Just to fire up your recall functions it's that killer High School football movie set in the lank small town of Odessa in West Texas where football is to people what that clay chalis full of cremated saviour is to the Christian nation. The story is about the Permian Panthers and their kick ass side that year. One of the main characters is the QB: Mike Winchell (his real name is Lucas Black and you might recognise him from Jarhead, Cold Mountain or Tokyo Drift)
Here is another story that is more similar than you can imagine:
Top USA university and incumbent holders of the NCAA football honours as they beat USC in the Rose Bowl last year, University of Texas aka the Longhorns. Now although an upset loss against Kansas rules them out of defending their title this year the Longhorns have been led by a freshman QB Colt McCoy. McCoy has broken every freshman NCAA QB record available and has in short been a rockstar revelation behind the line of scrimmage. Interestingly enough McCoy is from a small town in West Texas, Tuscola with a population of 700 and where he played High School football.
So what is so friggan interesting about this you ask? Look how similar the actor playing Mike Winchell and Colt are:
This is pretty weird. If you haven't seen Friday Night Lights you must be retarded and since you are reading this you obviously aren't retarded so through my casuistic sound reasoning you must have seen the movie.
Just to fire up your recall functions it's that killer High School football movie set in the lank small town of Odessa in West Texas where football is to people what that clay chalis full of cremated saviour is to the Christian nation. The story is about the Permian Panthers and their kick ass side that year. One of the main characters is the QB: Mike Winchell (his real name is Lucas Black and you might recognise him from Jarhead, Cold Mountain or Tokyo Drift)
Here is another story that is more similar than you can imagine:
Top USA university and incumbent holders of the NCAA football honours as they beat USC in the Rose Bowl last year, University of Texas aka the Longhorns. Now although an upset loss against Kansas rules them out of defending their title this year the Longhorns have been led by a freshman QB Colt McCoy. McCoy has broken every freshman NCAA QB record available and has in short been a rockstar revelation behind the line of scrimmage. Interestingly enough McCoy is from a small town in West Texas, Tuscola with a population of 700 and where he played High School football.
So what is so friggan interesting about this you ask? Look how similar the actor playing Mike Winchell and Colt are:
Docking...
Take something that people love away from them and they will hate. Welsh Rugby Union, we HATE you...
This is from www.planet-rugby.com:
"Villain of the Match: Without doubt this award goes to the WRU Officials who deprived the crowd of the Haka. The Haka is a tradition the Kiwi's are proud of and crowds the world over yearn to see live. So for the WRU to try and change this tradition was ludicrous and unjustified. Take note WRU, nobody benefited from your actions but instead were deprived of one of rugby's greatest sights."
“The tradition needs to be honoured properly if we're going to do it,” said McCaw. “If the other team wants to mess around, we'll just do the Haka in the shed. At the end of the day, Haka is about spiritual preparation and we do it for ourselves. Traditionally fans can share the experience too and it’s sad that they couldn't see it today,” he said.
Basically it boiled down to this. The Welsh wanted the Haka to be performed straight after the New Zealand national anthem, so they could then reply with 'Hen Wlad fy Nhadau' their incoherent celtic garbled pub song.
Shut up and take 45 points you idiots...
Friday, November 24, 2006
Storm in a bathtub...
I wrote this post yesterday but the dodgy library server crashed just before I hit the climax button and the thing was lost forever. It was a remarkable post uncovering a brewing storm (in a bath) of sorts but alas the window of opportunity is fast closing and I fear this is to little too late.
It is worthy to mention that the post was typically awesome. It was full of witty insightful phrases, thought provoking comments and ball-stretchingly funny quips. The content was rather average but it did involve pictures of Minki Van der Westhuizen.
I washed my brain stem out with SABmiller products last night just to disinfect it after all the horrid law info it imbibed during the exam period and am afraid I washed away the memory of my lost post, but believe you me, it was fucking awesome.
So yesterdays post in a nutshell:
Some dude got hold of private soft porn 'preferrably-for-personal-use-only' home digital images of the famous Minki sipping champagne in a bathtub with very little except clear water guarding her (and I mean this) very 'nice!' body. Basically her taut ass is hidden like the seabed of clifton 4th on a good day. [that clever little reference wasn't used yesterday but I like it, and it works]
Anyway moving the nutshell along, the photo possessor obivously was in Minki's inner circle and held these due to the confidence Minki had in him not showing them to the world. I am guessing brother, dodgy uncle, gay friend or now-fat-semi-talented-exboyfriend? So the dude put them up for auction online ala Rick Salamon/Kev Federline, except unlike Rick he didn't do it for money (retard) and unlike Kev he actually had the stuff.
------------Down to the final 3 for "WHO WANTS TO BE THE LUCKY DEFEDANT"
But here is the kicker. Two kingpin sites in the SA/Cape Town web community were involved in attaining the posts. Seth from 2oceansvibe took the higher moral ground and refused to post the pictures, or he in actual fact just had full knowledge of the possible legal ramifications. However, the boys from nadoes.com were not as bright; posted all 3 pics and to add tact to stupidity are running a competition to see who can guess the man who sent in the photos.
Kinda makes you remember those "good idea, bad idea" cartoons, except here instead of dying you stand getting sued by the company that pays huge tin to contract Minki into all the rights of any photographic content she may feature in.
Looking forward to a backlash.
[oh and the pictures are pretty awesome, in the thoughts of Borat; I'd definitely be inclined to maki de sexi time wid her!]
The US and A...
In a similar fashion to Borat, I have travelled to the great "US and A" to study their culture. I am basing my operations in Aspen and have been told that I can expect snowboarding, keg parties and easy women. I'm all for the first two but to be honest, if a woman is easy she probably isn't worth it.
The Rockstar Journals now have correspondents on 3 continents so readers can expect some diversity. Not Ron Burgundy's old wooden ship but rather a vast array of articles about different customs around the world.
After a flight via London (which included a whirlwind tour for the benefit of my travel companion), I arrived in Denver. We had minimal customs problems although I was asked whether I was carrying any recreational drugs. Do I look like I'm carrying recreational drugs? Ok, maybe. As we stepped into the airport, the following announcement was made.."Airport security has been raised to Orange. Please be on the lookout for any suspicious persons or activity." Coincidence? We rented the steamy Pontiac G6 to drive from Denver to Aspen..
Now here, my job affords me the luxury of sitting on the internet all day whilst being paid $13 an hour. Not quite up to the snowboarding yet after my broken ankle but have hooked up a ski pass worth R9000 to capitalise once I get the chance. I foresee this leading to the rage brought on by the famous "what happened to your ankle?" incidents of earlier in the year as by answering that here I am then forced to explain the entire game of rugby as well.
It is Thanksgiving today. Yesterday I was asked whether we celebrated the holiday so I had to explain the American history of the Pilgrims and thanksgiving to an actual American. Otherwise, the people i have dealt with have not been as ignorant as I was expecting.
Took a stroll in central Aspen the other day. Its all Hummers and diamond draped yummy mummies so there is plenty to keep one interested...
Wait with bated breath boys and girls. There is plenty to come...
In a similar fashion to Borat, I have travelled to the great "US and A" to study their culture. I am basing my operations in Aspen and have been told that I can expect snowboarding, keg parties and easy women. I'm all for the first two but to be honest, if a woman is easy she probably isn't worth it.
The Rockstar Journals now have correspondents on 3 continents so readers can expect some diversity. Not Ron Burgundy's old wooden ship but rather a vast array of articles about different customs around the world.
After a flight via London (which included a whirlwind tour for the benefit of my travel companion), I arrived in Denver. We had minimal customs problems although I was asked whether I was carrying any recreational drugs. Do I look like I'm carrying recreational drugs? Ok, maybe. As we stepped into the airport, the following announcement was made.."Airport security has been raised to Orange. Please be on the lookout for any suspicious persons or activity." Coincidence? We rented the steamy Pontiac G6 to drive from Denver to Aspen..
Now here, my job affords me the luxury of sitting on the internet all day whilst being paid $13 an hour. Not quite up to the snowboarding yet after my broken ankle but have hooked up a ski pass worth R9000 to capitalise once I get the chance. I foresee this leading to the rage brought on by the famous "what happened to your ankle?" incidents of earlier in the year as by answering that here I am then forced to explain the entire game of rugby as well.It is Thanksgiving today. Yesterday I was asked whether we celebrated the holiday so I had to explain the American history of the Pilgrims and thanksgiving to an actual American. Otherwise, the people i have dealt with have not been as ignorant as I was expecting.
Took a stroll in central Aspen the other day. Its all Hummers and diamond draped yummy mummies so there is plenty to keep one interested...
Wait with bated breath boys and girls. There is plenty to come...
Monday, November 20, 2006
Friday, November 17, 2006
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Come the day, and come the hour...
The 16th November will be a great day, a monumentous day and one destined 'to be downed' in the annuals of history. The day is going to be one of such prestige it has already been named by someone who is no stranger to knighting events. Roy has dubbed it the "Day of a 1000 draughts". And such a day it will be...
One day, years from now, deep down in a sealed room where the air temperature and moisture levels are carefully monitored by a clever machine, there will lie a book that will tell the story of tomorrow! Besides the book will lie an ancient video tape, an anachronistic relic documenting what went on that day. The tape will be from the CCTV cameras of Forresters Arms, and it is a good thing the tape survived, because no one who was present ever remembered a thing...
The 16th November will be a great day, a monumentous day and one destined 'to be downed' in the annuals of history. The day is going to be one of such prestige it has already been named by someone who is no stranger to knighting events. Roy has dubbed it the "Day of a 1000 draughts". And such a day it will be...
One day, years from now, deep down in a sealed room where the air temperature and moisture levels are carefully monitored by a clever machine, there will lie a book that will tell the story of tomorrow! Besides the book will lie an ancient video tape, an anachronistic relic documenting what went on that day. The tape will be from the CCTV cameras of Forresters Arms, and it is a good thing the tape survived, because no one who was present ever remembered a thing...
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