Upset and unhappy...

This site is the shoulders upon which many people hang their world. When Atlas gets tired he looks toward us for help. We tell him he is lazy and send him to the cage for 21 handstand push ups. Don´t stress your pretty little self groupies, we hold the globe for him when he does this..

Besides being a crucial cog in the wheel of existence we also serve as a welcome distraction from the hardship of life to numerous people. Men lost at work read us for direction. Students stressed over exams look to us for guidance and comic relief. Housewives come to us to alleviate their boredom. This is what we do...

However, of late we have been unable to be there, and for no fault of our own. Our interweb host is close to friggan useless and we can´t post properly. I think it is time to take our empire elsewhere.

That´s how we rock...

Hang in their rockstars we are working on a solution...

Sports Day-Weekend...

If Brenda has been nagging to go to the Old Biscuit Mill this saturday toss her the cars keys. Actually toss her the car keys, a detailed tourist guide to the Peninsula, free entrance tickets to Cape Point, supper vouchers to Moyo at Spier and preferably only enough petrol money to get to Stellies but not back. Also, if you can reasonably do so chuck the kids in the boot of the car.Why? Cause you´re busy this weekend, very busy.

That arb soccer match on wednesday was just the entree to a weekend feast of sport. It kinda feels like Sports Day back at school except far bigger, and thankfully far less strenuous, well...on your knees at least.

Saturday morning 09h35: Crusaders v Hurricanes at the AMI Stadium.

Expect a test match thriller in the All Black derby that is the first Super 14 semi-final of the weekend. So much is riding on the game (including the possibility of it being an All Black trial) that it will stand as the first display of test match rugby under the ELVs. Fireworks.

Saturday morning 11h45: Waratahs v Sharsk at the Sydney Football Stadium.

Hell-the frack-o. This will be bruising. Last time the Sharks came down this way they got thumped by an accurate Tahs outfit. The Tahs will still be accurate and bruising BUT the Sharks were the only side that was improving toward the end of the round stages and carry much momentum into the play offs. Expect the Sharks front 5 to put a vice like clamp of pressure on the only weak area of the Tahs game. No platform no game. If the Sharks fail to do this the awesome Tahs might get the continuity they need to dominate. It will be close all the way.

Saturday afternoon 18h00: Heineken Cup Final: Toulouse v Munster at the Millennium Stadium Cardiff.

Watching rugby under the old rules is fairly boring I think, especially after watching how successful the new laws are in the Super 14. However, you can´t detract from the pull of big show international names, and the Heineken Cup has more eclectic lineups than a Russian funded English Premier League side. Massive draw card.

Also from your armchair it is great to speculate who would win between the Super 14 finalists and the Heineken Cup winners. Let us know your thoughts.

I think this weekend also involves another stop on the IRB 7s circuit this time in London, the INDY 500 and a Grand Prix in Monaco. Lovely.

Send the wife pal, you don´t need her...

Head in the sand...

The boring parts of a rockstar´s life have been running wild recently in my own life. Those mundane every day things that you have to grip by the horns elsewise the cool part of your life suffers as your time is spent chasing around playing catch up with all the little things.

I feel very much like Thabo Mbeki about now. My head is so deeply buried in the sand of little less important things, that unfortunately do need attention, and I am missing the very important things that require even more attention.

For example, this most recent Sunday saw the unveiling of an historically important event. I would have missed it! Episode 1 of the sequel season to ´only the greatest series ever´ opened on Sunday. What Zimbabwe is to Mbeki, Friday Night Lights nearly was to me...

Thankfully my PVR is faster down the home straight than Oscar Pistorius but even more thankfully my PVR is also far quicker than the pinless wonder off the mark, otherwise the world sprinting records would be held by a machine and I would miss FNL without my machine.


What I love about FNL is how they weave modern day contentious social issues into a fabric of sport, sex, gorgeous girls and football. I don´t repeat myself I only emphasis the important things. In the season opener Julie Taylor, belter daughter of Coach Taylor and supergirlfriend of QB1 Matt Saracen, tries to cheat on our QB1. You see, modern day contentious social issue!

Slipping into character easily: Frailty thy name is..?

Your girlfriend is either going to try cheat on you or she is going to succeed in doing it without you knowing...

Harrison Ford to Run in the Olympics ...

That's what I thought when I saw the headline. That and I want some of whatever it is that these guys take - first Sly Stallone makes a new Rambo, and now Ford makes a new Indiana movie and manages to get his ban lifted from running in the Olympics. Must have been banned for being over the 99 year age limit.

Harrison Ford: Pretty damn quick

Turns out Bladerunner isn't Harrison Ford, but rather Oscar Pistorius. The South African athlete whose the fastest man with no legs. And he's pretty damn quick. So quick he's broken his own world record in disabled races a bunch of times, and so quick that the IAAF were worried he would beat abled bodied athletes, so they banned him.


Luckily someone came to their sense and worked out that not having any legs is NOT a good thing. Of course, a bunch of you are probably reading this and figure that he has an advantage becasue he's more streamlined, he's got extra spring etc.

You're wrong. Fact.

Oscar Pistorius: Rockstar

"Oscar's performance in recent events is astonishing considering his level of amputation," said Ian Fothergill, Ossur Americas' senior clinical marketing manager and in-house prosthetist. "The Cheetah feet are highly efficient at storing and releasing energy that originates from powerful muscle contractions elsewhere in the legs or trunk. Still, it is a known fact that because he's missing the natural power from his feet, his hips must produce over 70% more effort, and his knees must work harder to stabilize his limbs inside his prostheses," he added.

Anyway, even if they do give him an added benefit it doesn't stop anyone else from chopping off their legs and chucking on a pair of Cheetahs.

Monday girl...



This will be pleasant, this won´t be over quickly...you are my queen.

Pieter and Jake...

Pieter and Jake met at Nino´s in Dean street this morning to catch up on a bit of yarn. (News Cafe in JHB was closed) Jake was sitting back sipping his skinny flat white when Pieter walked in. Pieter was carrying the Sunday paper and had a smug smile forcing it´s way out of from behind his harley davidson facial broom.


Pieter slapped the paper down on the table with the sports page facing Jake and said, ´Meneer, I am looking forward to 2009, I wish it was a World Cup year´.

Jake glanced up the and down the back page. He slid two envelopes over the table and winked at Pieter. Before Pieter could mouth anything from behind his nickleback toplip hairstyle Jake said:

´Sir, when you come last in the tri-nations this year, open the first envelope, it will keep you your job. Then when you lose all 4 tests on the end of year tour, open the second letter.´ Jake dropped a euro note next to his empty cup, grabbed his vespa helmet and left in a whirlwind of clapping patrons.


Sure enough, when Isma-eel Dollie missed 30 tackles, 4 shots at goal and 39 line clearances, in the Springboks embarrassing defeat to Australia at Loftus, SARU called Pieter in for a chat. Pieter opened the first letter. It read:

´You´ve fucked up. Blame it all on me and they´ll give you another chance. Love, Jake.´

Four month later James Hook kicked his 7th consecutive conversion to take the scoreline to 52-0 against the Springboks. The flight back for the Boks after losing to England, Scotland, Italy and Wales wasn´t pleasant! Earl Rose missed 756 tackles in 20minutes all tour. SARU smsed Pieter whilst he was waiting for the plane back at Heathrow letting him know they would need to meet in JHB on his return.

Sorry coach, but it was such a good dummy...

On the plane he opened the second letter:

´Dear Pieter, write two letter. Love Jake.´

Just because ...

Everyday's Christmas at Rockstar Journals

Increase your Libido by 100 fold ...

No, not really. Why are you even reading this? Do you have problem? Do you need viagra? Penis pump maybe? Surgical extension? Probably not. But if I get one more damn email offering to turn my wenis into a multi-coloured, 18-inch, rotating, vibrating pineapple-y tasting machine I might just start feeling like I do.

Two points. My first is a question, and the second is a comment.

1) How do these companies know I'm a guy when they email this junk to me? Or do girls get it too? I mean, I'm sure they get it but ... uh ... I'm just going to stop there.

2) I don't need it. It works just fine. My lady-friends all tell me it the size of the ship, not the motion of the ocean. Or was it the other way around? Either way, no complaints here. So stop sending me these ridiciulous emails.

No, it's fine really. The groupies are happy

Who, Who, Who are you..?

Here is an interesting news clip!

¨SA Rugby were scheduled to meet on Tuesday to choose the new three-man selection panel - expanded to include an ethnic black - but the meeting failed to take place. It is not clear when the new panel will be chosen.¨

Now that is an important panel to sit on. Sure, if you´re Sacks Ngwala from Southern West Bromich Bulldogs sitting on a Supersport discussion panel gives you the platform to voice your rugby views and opinions to basically the captive audience of pretty much the entire rugby supporters club in South Africa. Now that is a powerful position, one which our ex-frontranker from the London Underground sponsored 6th division rugby club handles with admirable success, but to hold a position that allows you to choose the actual make up of the side Sacks commentates on is envied by every SA rugby lover.

Plus you get to choose how the national coach has to do his job. If you want to pursue your whimsical opinion that Justin Peach is the heir incumbent to Percy´s 15 jersey, then so beat it, just enjoy watching poor Pieter suffer.

A strong Handle on things!

These are the candidates for the 2008 springbok selection panel:

The selection candidates are Wynand Claassen, Errol Tobias, McIntosh, Kaya Malotana, David Maidza, Lucky Menge, Freddie Makoki, Francois Davids, Jooste en Roland Bantom.

Now I assume you are fairly unfamiliar with many of these names so I´ve decide to enlighten you. I tested them on the only standard I know how: Google hits. I get nearly 200 k so that settles the debate whether this is a worthwhile yardstick.

Any halfwit rugby guru wiil be familiar with this lot so I´ve excluded them from the process: Wynand Claassen, Errol Tobias, McIntosh, Pieter Jooste.

Here we go, plus Grade rating.

Kaya Malotana: 320 hits – first one on google is from keo.co.za where he is berated for talking utter shit. 99 RWC Springbok and since he didn´t win a medal he can´t headline advertising campaigns. B+.

David Maidza: 1800 hits – technical adviser to the Spoornets Bulldogs who premises his rugby philosophy on scoring earlier in the half and then continuing to outscore the opponents. B.

Lucky Menge: 330 000 hits – still couldn´t find him specifically as all 330 000 hits were for Lucky Luke. I am not out-ruling the possibility that he is in fact the gunslinging wild west folk hero. A-.

Freddie Makoki: 1130 hits – deputy president of the Eastern Province Rugby Union, which is a good thing cause he will show no prejudice in selecting current Super 14 form. A.

Francois Davids: 12 100 hits – springbok convenor of selectors when Andre Vos still played. Pass. C.

Roland Bantom: Did you mean Roland Fantom? - from this we can only assume Mr Bantom is in fact a phantom. A++.

There you have it folks. You are now formally acquinted with all the candidates, their detailed history and personal information. You now have a stance of authority from which to criticism Sacks´ comments on this come the next round of Super 14.

America´s Hottest College Girl...



She is a democratic and won the run-off with a dykish looking republican with ease. Check out collegehumor.com for more pictures of here. I am no clairvoyant but I envisage a barrage of emails, inquiring whether this fake avril is the young lady that used to frequent Docstar´s bedroom...

Possible. But I´ve looked into it (would prefer to look into her but the queue is around the corner) and it is not the bethany-esque little person that drove Docstar´s trolley. Pretty sure she could be his guiatar playing crazy ex.

Speculation is rife as to whether she is possibly a combination of the two - making her the world´s most psycho chick...

HAPPY MOTHER´S DAY

Peter invited his mother for dinner, during the course of the meal; his mother couldn't help but notice how lovely Peter's flat mate, Joanne,was.

She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious.


Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flat mate than met the eye.

Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Joanne & I are just flat mates'.

About a week later, Joanne came to Peter saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?

'Well I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure' said Peter.


So he sat down and wrote

DEAR MOTHER,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID' TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE. I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DID NOT' TAKE THE FRYING PAN BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.

LOVE PETER

Several days later, Peter received an email from his mother which read

DEAR SON,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO' SLEEP WITH JOANNE, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU 'DO NOT' SLEEP WITH JOANNE, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF SHE WAS SLEEPING IN HER OWN BED, SHE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE F**KING FRYING PAN BY NOW.

LOVE MUM


We totally realise today isn´t Mother´s Day as it was last Sunday, but to us, Sunday was just the start of Mother´s Week...

¨Waratahs Backline seen breaking into an ATM in Hillbrow...¨

I am not sure if there are ATMs in Hillbrow but I speculate that there are. Also speculating that if Die Beeld was an english medium newspaper this would be it´s headline tomorrow. It would most certainly be that of the Star.

Unidentifiable criminal...

You see, in what must surely be an unprecedented event at O R Tambo International Airport, the Waratahs had 105 of their kits items vanish en route from Cape Town to Sydney. Unprecedented in the sense that it hasn´t happened to the Aussie´s before, not that baggage theft hasn´t happened at ORT.

"We've got no clothes or boots or mouthguards," skipper Phil Waugh told the Daily Telegraph.

The only equipment which made it back to Australia were a few rugby balls, tackle bags and hit pads.

"They just told us now none of it came," said coach Ewen McKenzie after passing through customs.

"We sat in Johannesburg for an hour and a half because of baggage issues, so I don't know what they were doing.

"They were shuffling around the deckchairs and there was obviously nothing there," added a frustrated McKenzie.

The players may be asked to wear their club gear or squeeze into their old school jerseys for Tuesday's training session.

"We'll have to do a bit of fudging," McKenzie said. "We are a pretty good team at adapting - we certainly don't look to use it as an excuse.

Lovely, stuff hey. As if touring SA isn´t enough of a hack with having to put up with all the old school Afrikaan´s rugby tactics of last minute training facility changes, making you wait at locked stadium gates and never catering for the full squad at official functions. True stories these. But to have your kit knicked before you get back home must really suck...

Point of advice: If you´re going to knick kit, do it when they arrive, and only do it to hot aussie golf stars.

I remember in 1994 two rugby balls signed by the entire British and Irish Lions touring squad was nicked from a hotel room in Durban. Their was a massive outcry not for the value of the balls but that they were intended to be auctioned off for a kids charity. Many scapegoats were cited, but it actually turned out that they were found in the bag of second-rate english centre Phil De´Glanvilles bag. He was more of a puss than a bad rugby player.

I doubt this applies here though. Don´t you just love Ewen McKenzie´s reaction?

I am off to fudge around a bit?

Wow...

Monday Medium Size Girl




It look 12 episodes but I still couldn´t decide whether this girl is ´too heavy´ or not. Decided she isn´t and that she is fit for Rockstar monday consumption! I did email the creators of Prison Back to put her on the diet Schoefield is on so there is no debate come season 4.

It was lank hard to find a picture of her online - maybe wide angle lens are hard to come by - but here she is with a co-star...

Van Wilder reads Rockstar...
...so would Keith Richards if he could read.

Although we’re well aware of the number of famous readers we have, we don’t usually draw attention to them. We’re not attention seekers; we just happened to be born camera ready. Still, it’s nice to know that we’re doing good in the lives of others.

Some of you know that Van Wilder, when he’s not dressed as Batman, is Ryan Reynolds. Some of you probably know he was engaged to Alanis Morissette. Some you might even know that he’s not anymore. Some of you might need to stop reading your girlfriend’s Heat magazines.

The good news is that following our guest columnist, Ari Goldstar’s, article, Ryan decided to follow our lead and upgrade his model for a better version, in this case Scarlett Johansson. Of course this was probably a no-brainer as I imagine having sex with Alanis Morissette is like having sex with a rattlesnake. Except that, at least with a rattlesnake you know what antidote to take.

If I were him I’d be so happy I’d probably just sign the marriage certificate with smiley faces. But it’s okay Ryan, no thanks needed. That’s what friends do for each other. They also let their fiancés have one last night of passion with the Rockstar’s editors. Fact.

Bizarrely it turns out that Keith Richard’s also reads (or has someone read to him) the Rockstar Journals. Paraphrasing from the same guest contributor, Keith told The Times this week “Show me a girl who’s faithful and I won’t believe you”. Or at least that’s what the journalist heard coming out of Keith’s drug-addled coma. He could have just been repeating the recipe for LSD.

For sale:

Tall, dark, in very good health despite current ankle setback. Internationally renowned, capable at both 10 and 12. Also can model so if you aren´t looking to build a team around him you can dress him in jockey and create a tasteful living room center piece. Asking price: SQ



Possible buyers:

Toulon: But only if they play top 14 next year. (Midi-Olympique claims that his earnings will be €700 000 plus €100 000 for his image rights. That would be for just one season, making Carter the highest piad rugby player in the world.)

Chelsea: So he can stand in Mrs Abromivich´s living room along with Lionel Messi.

Sold to the man in the funny hat...

South Africa loves to rate itself very highly in numerous things and one such area in which we highly regard ourselves is that of exporting internationally sought after commodities.


Gold and diamonds that dominate the world market have their origins in our deep and open cast mines. We export wine of such a great quality even Italians secretly enjoy it, and recently we have begun distilling market claiming agarve tequila. Our supermodels are everywhere. Our rugby coaches are everywhere and just about every tight five in Europe has a second rower from north of the Jukskei. Some type of pool filtration system, certain attack helicopters and those nifty umbrella shaped outdoor gas heaters all account for South Africa's addition to world technology.

Well step a side, Bakkies, Victor, Pinot rouge and Minki, we have a new export that is making the world dip into their cheque books like an art freak at half price Matisse auction. Ladies and gentleman, item 5 on your auction sheet is Mr Leonard McCarthy.

The former Scorpions boss has jumped ship or should I say shore, and left the flailing boat that was his old employer the DSO thanks to political bullshit and has been scouted and poached by the World Bank as VC for their department of Institutional Integrity.


World Bank big dog Rob Zoellick had this to say, ¨Leonard McCarthy is recognised worldwide for his integrity, independence and effectiveness in fighting corruption and strengthening good governance."

He sounds like such a rockstar we could presume you would want him to headline your country´s anti-corruption unit, unless you were of course a corrupt politician that stood to be investigated by him and you had the power to disband his unit...

Monday Girl,


Short, dark and overboard sexy...