Got cheerleaders?

I have been in this country for close on a month and there are some pretty nice things here. The sport is incredible. Everything about it from the teams, the contest, the skills, the athleticism, the personalities, the coverage, the analysis, the hype to the results are awesome. The thing is it isn't just sport it is entertainment! So my favourite facet of American sport?...halftime!

Most people are sports-mad here so everyone is into it but if you saw what was going on along the sidelines you wouldn't blame them...

Cheerleading probably started out with some lame ass historical reason concerning team spirit and crowd involvement. Thankfully it has grown from its pathetic earlier days into something far more important. Tertiary education institutions actually consider it a sport. There is no fuckin way it should be considered a 'sport' but lets not argue the issue and agree to allow it to fall into that category of 'sports' (read: we just call them that) with synchronised swimming, curling, caber-tossing, short-indian-man-tossing, dressage and soccer.

Why are we thankful it is considered a sport? Because it allows universities to give out scholarships and sporting bursaries to those that excel at it. What goes hand in hand with sports bursaries is the academic protection afforded to topclass athletes by their sports coaches so their respective departmental heads will turn a blind eye to their well below average semester results. The end result? Hot college chicks aren't forced into stripping or prostitution to pay for their tuition and the varsity does its level best to ensure they don't get academically excluded!

[I suppose it's redundant to point out the tacit fact that looks and intelligence are inversely proportional in women. I read it in fhm so it must be true. It can't be true for men cause that would make my IQ below 35 and the intellectual equivalent of a paperweight.]

Back to cheerleaders. Every team in nearly every sport has them from the High School basketball team to the the famous Dallas Cowboys. (Icehockey doesn't but I think it is cause icehockey is for fags) But besides their abundance, cheerleaders are also (a) hot and (b) easy [hearsay] and (c) have the primary goal of making you cheer...! Go team...

So what is better than loads of hot girls, in tiny outfits, with prurient intentions and the sole aim of making you happy? (this must be a rhetorical question cause I can't think of an answer...)

I did pick up two interesting cheerleader related anecdotes though. The second is visual so you can just scroll down. (at your own peril) I noticed the first while watching one college football side wrap up a victory against another side to win some pathetic low-key bowl. (it was the New Orleans Bowl, which is like the equivalent of a waterpolo showdown between St Davids High and Jeppe, so basically it is like the Currie Cup)

The postmatch celebration is being shown on ESPN (told you the coverage was incredible) and the victorious coach is walking over to give his condolences to the opposition when one of his cheerleaders comes bounding over and puckers him a huge sloppy one of his lips. For a few days I was very impressed with this old dude for 'hitting' (american term: I think it originates from playful high five???) this young cutie who is on the cheerleading squad of the football team he coaches...

However, just before he was submitted to the committe for 'rockstar of the moment', I caught this picture on a website that describes the offending cheerleader as the coach's daughter. The offer of his name for the award was duly rescinded, but he is up for the douchebag award cause he obviously doesn't realise how many of his linebackers are 'hitting that'...

Presents with presence...

So I asked Saint Nick for an Ipod Nano and the fat fuck joined forces with the lovely people at apple.com and fedex and managed to have my request gift-wrapped under my tree on the morning of the 25th. (plus it had rockstar laser engraved in the back casing)


The thing I love about it, is it is simple to use and has a few cool features but is lank tiny. Now I didn't need a digital camera, I already have a watch and a cellphone but did need to upgrade my portable listening device. So the nano was the obvious choice for me...

However looking at the competition it gets from multifunctional products I don't think I got a raw deal. Imagine this thing on your wrist...! You would have guns like Boyd Varty...!

Merry Christmukkah…

Firstly I am not taking any credit for this merge of religious holidays that is Christmukkah. I bow down to Seth Cohen superior holiday ingenuity but am happy to perpetuate the idea whilst swigging eggnog, opening presents (hopefully a nano), making snow angels (hopefully if it snows) and mainlining mince pies.

I am spending this year in the USA as most of you know and they really just take it to a different level than I have ever experienced. It’s pretty fuckin awesome. Outrageous lights on every house, trees bigger than linebackers and with more decorations than a joburg chick in first period, radio channels have dedicated their playlists exclusively to xmas carols and I even saw a reindeer, although I am in the South and it was lying on the side of the road looking fairly unhealthy…actually it could have been just a big ass possum.

However, I am extremely lucky in that this year in the States they tried to de-Christianize the commercial side of this time of year and stores were forced to take down their ‘Merry Christmas’ banners, and replace them with the more inclusive, non-denominational ‘Happy Holidays’. What a joke! Damn man, you don’t need to be Christian to buy cool things to give to friends and family, and you certainly don’t have to be Christian to accept it. I am atheist and I love getting stuff. (there is also a certain girl out there that will vouch that I also love giving but lets not digress)

This commercial swing they are trying to stage is pretty ironic though cause even if you do succeed in replacing every Walmart Xmas sign with ‘Happy Holidays’ you haven’t achieved much. A little research into the background of the word ‘holiday’ will have you find that it originates from “Holy Day” which…err…is also Christian. Oops…

Moving along, I do have that overwhelming Xmas feeling but it may just be the eggnog and this rad reindeer sweater. Anyways, I just wanted to wish all your rockstars and your respective families out there a wonderful, safe, and awesome Christmukkah…

-------------------Voted most sought after gift this xmas...

About Time...!

Ever heard of Nancy Gibbs? Neither had I until I searched page 44 of the latest Time Magazine to ascertain who exactly was responsible for the rockstar related quote that I found before me on the page…

“Rock stars are designed to be shiny, shallow creatures, furloughed from reality for all time”

I loved the quote and found it necessary to write a bit of my mind on it. Now Nancy Gibbs is not the kind of person you engage in a literary spat about the correct definition of a term with, no matter how strongly you feel about it. If I was to hurl e-mud at people I would choose an easy target like…say…AJ Venter! Well actually I wouldn’t cause that would be too easy, like taking the virginity from a Wynberg Girls High matric girl (assuming she still had it) and besides Seth at 2oceansvibe has already picked him as his starting nemesis.

As editor-in-chief of Time Magazine, Nancy is a bit of a rockstar herself in the literary world. She has degrees from Yale (cum laude) and from Oxford. She was also the professor of journalism at Princeton. Christ she has seen more IVY than will ever grow on the walls of where I got my little ass degree.

----------------------------------Probably not home-coming queen!
So I have established that when it comes to the English language she is going to kick my ass like I was Graeme Smith touring the antipodeans. However, I will not back down and take support from the fact that I am definitely better looking than her. Even if I was to level the playing fields and dressed up as a chick I would still be better looking than her…

Anyway the biggest gripe I have with her quote is not that I think her definition is incorrect. She was referring to Bono in her article ‘Persons of the Year’, so in this context she was defining the binge-drinking, drug-taking, hotelroom-trashing, sunglasses-wearing lead singers that fall under the generic term, rockstar.

What pisses me off is the confounding of this (admittedly more common) literal use of rockstar with the way we use it. [if you’re wanting a definition of how we use it, get the hell off our site] I suppose we use it figuratively. But I don’t like using the word figuratively as it is pretty fucking gay. It’s like holding up a banner saying “I am a pretentious literary git that reads the oxford concise instead of playboy before I go to bed at night and throw out any word cause I know you doubt that you can properly use it so won’t take me to task over it”.

Fuckin long banner I know, so in an effort to be less complex, it’s like using ‘furloughed’ when absent would have sufficed…

I am shiny and shallow though…

RSLJ: Article 7 Cheaters shouldn’t prosper

Imagine if girls were like cars. I could now go on with cute little innuendos like ‘riding them with their tops down’ or ‘checking their undercarriage’ but that wouldn’t be the coolest things about girls being like cars. If girls were like cars us men would find it easy to understand them, be more able to control them and maybe find it easier to rev their engines. But alas women aren’t cars, we aren’t that lucky. However there is one glaring similarity I find between cars and women…

[If you are a raging feminist and find it abhorrent that I am likening females to vehicles I remind you that this isn’t a blog that caters for the feminist taste so go click elsewhere, or stick around, you might learn something]

The similarity I find between cars and women lies in the representation of their body work. If you have driven the streets of Kraaifontein, North Pretoria or the Durban beach front and walked the passages of any shopping centre or social place you will know what cars and girls I am writing about.

I’ll use the streets and passages of Cape Town as a snapshot of my point as that is what’s closest to home for me. You don’t have to travel all the way to Kraaifontein to see the cars I talk of but I am pretty sure they all originate from the Northern Suburbs.

It is not an unfamiliar sight along the streets of varsity to see cars that have morphed from bottom of the price range hatch backs into something that came out of the mass parking garage in the 2 Fast 2 Furious. People take their 1.4 Citi Golfs; 1.3 Toyota Tazzs or 1.6 Honda Civic and “sup” them up so they look like their ride got pimped by Ludacris and West Coast Motors just without the massive budget…

So you end up with this tiny ass engine dressed up like a street rod. The ways to do this are endless: side-skirting boards, aerofoil spoilers, low profile rims, ejector seats, tinted windows, a CD suspended from the rearview mirror, an exhaust big enough to stick your head in, racing seatbelts, chrome pedals and a sound-system with more output than the speakers at a Slipknot concert. Viola, we have mom’s old hatchback transformed into something that resembles what an East Coast Crib drug runner would drive around the projects in…

Now girls aren’t very different. They try their utmost to make their mediocre model look like it should be on a runway. Girls, like impressive car technicians have tricky deceiving ways to dress themselves into something that fallaciously coaxes men into believing they are actually hot. The results of this are dire for the poor guy as when the sun comes up he has to deal with weeks of abuse from his amused friends or risk injury to limb and life by throwing himself from a balcony window…

This ability ugly girls have to embellish on the truth of their looks is actually a well documented (small play on words here) phenomenon by a certain Doc Louw (aka Mr. Campus 2002, 2003, 2004 and 2005) The Good Doctor coined the term “Cheating” back in the days when chicken burgers were still R8 a shot whilst sitting on the stairs of varsity surveying the latest crop of females. In his latest book ‘5 years at Varsity for Highly Successful People’ the Doctor goes to great detail in uncovering all these ‘cheating methods’ and I’ll share with you some of his work:

The intro deals with the fine line between beautification and cheating. Beautification is how the pretty girl accentuates her most prominent features whereas Cheating is how an ugly girl pretends to have prominent features. Unfortunately some ugly chicks are so wily in their ways the true difference can only be told once it is too late and you are standing naked in her bedroom armed with durex gossamer; a bottle of chocolate syrup and her size 12 leopard print g-string…

Method 1: High heels – The porksword always sports the latest pair of Manolo Blahnik knock-offs so you never really realize how chucky her thighs are or how short and dumpy she is. Result: Mrs. Potatohead resembles Gisele strutting down the runway…

Method 2: Padded bra – Kerry McGregor wears a bra that emphasizes her wondrous assets. Miss Surf Board 2005 wears the padded bra to create the allusion of perky boobs. Kerry classifies as beautification whereas the girl with a chest like the pulse of a cadaver is cheating.

Method 3: The Haircut – The Vereeniging Facelift is the age old technique of pulling your hair back so tight it stretches your baggy faces into a beautiful smooth façade; however this is no good to girls with fiveheads or large proboscises. Instead girl now cut a devious longer fringe, coined the “Blowjob Haircut” by the Doctor, that masks their ugly feature.

Method 4: Sunglasses – Ever seen that blonde girl on campus with those huge sunglasses that make her look like a graceful European beauty? Wait for next semester when she is in your law tut and she takes them off and you realize the deception as the rounded Gucci profile hid 60% of her horrid face…

--------------------Beautification v Cheating.

Method 5: The jersey wrap – It is 30 degrees on campus yet she has bought a light jersey to varsity and instead of leaving it in her car (probably a supped up vw) she has effortlessly tied it around her waist. This is not a practical cover-up for her weather misjudgment but rather a shifty cover-up of her semester long Wacky Wednesday misjudgment…

These are all stylistic methods ugly girls will employ to bump themselves up a few rungs on the points ladder but they use other tactics like only frequenting the dimest lit clubs (Fez lighting has done more for girls appearances than Virgin Active ever did) and buying guys drinks. When a guy has to make a judgment call nothing so impairs his ability to tell the difference than a night fuelled by her extended credit line behind the bar…

All I can say is beware! This is not one of life’s lessons you want to learn through trial and error. Rather learn from your lesser informed mates’ mistakes…

Monday Girl...

We haven't featured one of these in awhile so concerns were being raised about our sexual orientation. We stand proud of our long history of heterosexuality and if any of you hot girls out there want us to 'show you' we can happily do the whole Friday Night Lights thing...


Especially if you look like this...

And the winner is...

Here at Rockstars Journals we are willing to admit that although we are not always right, we are never wrong. This is an example where we are not right...

We chose our babe, and we backed her. But in a landslide final vote Allie C from South College beat our young Sara to claim the impressive title of Hottest College Girl of 2005 hosted by Collegehumor.com.

Oh well atleast we didn't bet on her. She will just have to settle with 2nd prize of dating our other contributor...

Hits, Misses and Heismanns…

So I made a promise to unveil the most amazing douchebag I could find during my stay in America. Luckily I didn’t go as far as saying I would produce the most amazing definition of the term as some guy got collegehumor recognition for his attempt. [collegehumor recognition in the bloggin world is akin to Angelina Jolie going down on you for winning an oscar in the movie world]

My list is slowly getting longer but will remain secretive until later, however it’s worth checking out his hierarchy so as to familiarize yourself with the concept. [orothrules.blogspot.com: 05/12/2005] He was obviously inspired to compile the hierarchy after reading our article the previous day. So I’m giving him due recognition. [rockstarjournals recognition in the bloggin world is akin to Angelina Jolie going down on you whilst the Victoria Secret models simultaneous give you a lap dance in anyone’s world]

-------------------------------I'd like to thank the academy

So I missed out on that but I did manage to be privileged enough to partake in a four day tourist jaunt to New York. The trip was an absolute hit. The freezing temperatures and driving snow would put off a few merry travelers but nothing was going to stop me from doing an “I’m the king of the world” impersonation on the Staten Island ferry, making out with Paris Hilton’s Madam Tussandes replica (hey she hit on me) or making snow angels in central park.

More of a hit however was the flight to New York itself. Now the flight time from my southern departure to LaGuardia airport is just under two hours, if you take into account the time it takes to avoid roadkill on the runway of my southern departure, and to pass the time I glanced through the skymall.com publication…

Briefly this magazine is just a catalogue of what you can buy from skymall.com once you have safely stowed your fold away table and ensured your seat is in the upright position. However this run of the mill compilation of must have xmas paraphernalia has no peer in its genre of easy buy magazines as the gadgets and goodies inside are of an marvelously ridiculous nature.

There were a few that I did find cool and worth the $15 delivery fee like a portable blowup Jacuzzi spa, the remote controlled hovercraft (batteries not included), the underwater radio and the backyard ice rink. Yes an ice rink that you can set up in your own back yard, assuming you live in a place with freezing temperatures, like New York! Good god if I had one of these as a kid (and if we didn’t live in the Karoo) I would be here playing for the New York Rangers not making snow angels. It’s fantastic.

Skymall caters for every lazy person alive. The pet owner section of the magazine was a treat. Get this they have a ‘pet stroller’ and you can supersize this to a ‘double-decker pet stroller’. It is the same as taking your infant for a walk. You strap it in and away you go, except you do this cause the infant can’t walk. So you take ‘firdel’ for its daily exercise without actually letting it do any…

In keeping with the lazy yet active person we have the ‘Never-lose-another-golf-ball putter’. (they actually call it that?) It is absolute junk but that doesn’t allow me to take anything way from the engineering marvel of combining a golf club and a fishing rod. You see, you take your stance, putt the ball AND instead of walking to fetch it you ingeniously reel it back home. What a must for those that putt the ball prodigious distances…

They have countless such inventions but the one for me that eclipses the greatness of the aforementioned two and the ‘hand-held paper shredder’ (just incase you out the office and the letter the agency sent you won’t self destruct) and the ‘inflatable travel dumbbells’ (you fill them up with water to Ron Burgandy them in the hotel room) is the ‘rearview spyglasses’!

As its name suggests the people from skymall.com have surpassed the latest trend in USB and MP3 equiped sunglasses and bought (direct to your home for only $29,95) these SPYglasses.
I was going to try write something funny ridiculing them but like all things that cater for douchebags they self-deprecate themselves so you don’t have to go through the trouble. This is from the actual website:

“..the Rear-View Spyglasses are built with a special coating that allows you to look straight ahead and still see behind you. when you put them on, look out of the corners of your eyes and you'll see what's going on- and no one will know you're watching him or her. It comes with a stylish case, too.”
After a rushing average of 101.2 yards in his last two games, no one was surprised when USC tailback Reggie Bush won the 05 Heismann Trophy. But maybe they just had eyes in the back of their head and saw it coming…

And the home of the Stripmall...

After a longish lull in the production of high quality blogging fare the executive body at rockstarweb have decided to send their star (intended) contributors to the furthest reaches that limited resources would allow so as to add an international flavour to the site.

I drew the short straw and got sent to the mighty US of A, while co-rockstar was left spinning bottles, flaring cocktails, bouncing shakers and spading Camps Bay glitterati in his cockdiesel black beater.

Actually I think I got the long straw but we’ll compared notes later to reveal the truth. Anyway the short result is that I am in the land of the strip mall for close on two months and will do my 'bestest' (that’s a word here) to try and uncover how rockstars live in this part of the world.

As a side from this I also aim to uncover the biggest douchebag on my trip (that’s another word here). Douchebag is the term given to categorise those out right idiots of the world. In SA or more specifically Cape Town context think those absolute beauts who lean against the burger pie counter from 1am onwards at 24 hour woolworths exchanging mythical drinking tales or barraging defenseless females with their heroics of slipping past the bouncer and 200 queuing minnows outside Pulse before mainlining Jager-bombers and dancing on the bar with that gold-belted shirtless Mexican looking fellow.

You know the kind I’m talking about. They are as ubiquitous in Cape Town as gay marriages will be in Sea Point post Friday. I’m going to try unearthing these amazing fellows here and exposing them to the world. My reason? I like being amazed, and they’re amazing…

Lata ya’all.